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#255881 - 10/18/08 01:18 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

You speak so eloquently about what happened and it's all reasoned out, the only problem is that when emotions are involved there is sometimes little to no reasoning. Your former g/f understood you and all you had told her for years, to the best of her ability, but she didn't live it, therefore complete understanding is impossible. I think it was Daisy that said if the incident you described was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, then I get it, but if not, then there is more at work here.

If a partner shows "weakness," it's a tremendous leap of faith. If the other partner sees that weakness as a fatal flaw then the whole relationship has been built on a falsehood. The strong one and the weak one come out in all of us sometimes and in a long time relationship, they change hands many times over the years. I could never be the strong one ALL of the time. I think we all need someone to hold us up every now and then.

I'm sorry for both of you.

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#255907 - 10/18/08 03:55 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Ok, is this true or not: My H now cannot even seem to hold hands. We'll be driving somewhere w/ our daughter in the back seat. I'll reach out to take his hand, and he'll retreat like like a scaredy cat or something. Finally that night I asked him if he just doesn't want to hold my hand, (after being married 16 yrs) or is it "something deeper." He said "something deeper." That is all that was said.

Or is it because he could be having an affair? This is why I need you survivors' input. I need to know if it is possible he could be so unable to simply hold my hand b/c of deep csa issues or what you think.

I mean, I want to say, come on, it's just holding hands, nothing more, how can that be a big deal?


Did your H have a problematic relationship with his mother? If so he may still be attempting to work out his "mother issues" with you as the surrogate. Add to that his SA difficulties and you have potential big problems.

I don't know if I've hit the target or am waaaayyyyyy off base, but just offering it up as a possibility.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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