Hi my name is Patrick, I am 48 and I would like to tell my story. July 9, 2008

I was born the youngest of 4. When I was about 1 year to 18 months my Mom and Dad divorced. My birth mother got all four of us in the divorce but she started drinking.
She decided that drinking was more important than taking care of her children. The other kids would be so hungry they would take my bottle so they could eat. They would steal food from the neighborís cabinets and look through garbage cans for something to eat. They even remember eating hard macaroni off the floor. I was left in my crib 24/7 and was told I really didnít walk until I was almost 2. One day SRS came buy and they had to stand outside the apartment because it was so bad. They told my birth mother that she needed to clean it and that they would be back to check. Instead she went drinking. My birth mother has written all these events in book form. The book also says that she abused us. We were almost put into foster care but instead my Dad stepped in. I have no idea where he was during this time of abuse. He didnít have his act together so what happened is that two of my siblings, Mike and Theresa were put in foster care and me and my sister Debbie were sent to California to live with an uncle until our Dad was ready for us. To this day it does surprise me that my Dad did take responsibility because he was szphophrinc. But anyway later on we were brought back home to be with Dad and at this time he had remarried so here we had a new mom and 3 new older siblings that belonged to her from two previous marriages. I was about 18 months old at the time. So at this time there were 7 kids altogether and later on my stepmother who to me was my mom and always will be, sheís gone now. And my dad had two more kids, a boy and then a girl so there were 9 kids altogether. Back to my birth mother. Shortly after these events she had another girl with her boyfriend and they put her up for adoption because of their drinking. I met her for the first time about 8 years ago and she is a real sweetheart.

Now to change the subject a little. Most of my adult life I have dealt or suffered with living in a state of fogginess or feeling like nothing is real, like im here but im not. This was really frustrating for me because I couldnít figure out what the cause was. I went to doctors and they did EEGs and a brain scan and found nothing. Well ok they did find a brain. I would get to the point of just thinking well whatever this is I hope it just kills me. So I went on for years frustrated until 1993 when I started searching again. I went to a neurologist and they did another EEG and found nothing again. The neurologist said the problem was depression and another neurologist working with him that day totally agreed. Despite having guilt about it because of my Christian training I started on anti-depression medicine. About 3 or 4 weeks after starting the meds something really weird and different began to happen. I started having emotional memories of being sexually abused by my oldest stepbrother. Out I blurted after intense sobbing HE RAPED ME! I had no idea this had happened and I still donít have the actual memory except for intense body memories and emotional memories. Even way before I started meds sometimes I felt like I was crying inside. Also one time at work I heard in my head, I WANT MY MOMMY. And I thought to myself what is that all about. I thought maybe I was just goofing around, but I sure understand it now. I have 3 parts that are with me. A baby who of course canít talk. I Have Littleboy who is honest and sweet but shares the most about what happened and then there is the Protector who is a young teenager and holds most of the feelings of worthlessness, sadness distrust and absolute hopelessness. I really doubted this stuff that was coming out because I couldnít remember this stuff but it made sense that this was the cause of the fogginess and depression that at times has been very severe. Some of the abuse has been confirmed from my other siblings but not the things that happened to me. The parts of me and the emotional memories say that my older brother and two of his friends sodomized me, the body memories indicate it happened by 3 different people and that at this same event they raped one of my sisters in front of me and that also one of his friends shocked me with jumper cables. They also called me stupid kid and threatened me not to tell. They also had a gun they shot off and of course they were laughing at me. They also scared me with a pet large spider. This type of abuse accurd more than once. Once away from our house and once or more in our basement. The part of this that bugs me allot is the inability to have conscience memory of this abuse but the emotional and body sensation are very intense and real.

Also on top of the abandonment and abuse, I was the Kid that got made fun of almost everyday in school, from the first grade all the way through the twelfth. In grade school I was called cross-eyed lion bucktoothed beaver, and stinky. That was because I had a bed-wetting problem and instead of getting our baths in the morning we had them the night before so I would go to school that way. In junior high and high school it was just as bad or worse. The number one name in high school for me was spoof. I looked it up once and it means a name to make fun of somebody. Now in High school there was something I was made fun of that I counted as an honor. At age 13 I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and started on a brand new adventure. so I let my beliefs be made known and so they gave me a hard time about it but that was fine.

I have been in and out of counseling but I feel with my current counselor we are really making more progress than ever. My goal is to seek the truth of all that happened because I believe as the truth comes out the fogginess will go away. I have experienced this happening when something strong is really trying to surface. I am trying to trust myself and let it come out. I have always been big on truth, im not one to stick my head in the sand.

First and foremost I am trusting to the best of my ability the lover of my soul The Lord Jesus who is my ultimate healer and with the guidance and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth. I also know that God uses people to help bring healing as well. The truth will come out and healing will come so I can LIVE REAL. I donít like being in a room with my little girl and feeling like sheís not real or that im not real. I want to become a better Father and Husband and Worker and most important a better Follower of Jesus. These are my reasons for healing. For the truth. If those of you who read this and believe in God, Please pray for me. Sorry this is so long.

May God richly bless you and bring healing to you

Patrick im sure your all clapping because im done ha ha


Time to update my story a little. Something I forgot to mention about body memories. Back in the late 80s and early 90s before I even ever started dealing with the past. I would get the feeling on three of the tips of my fingers on my right hand that they were warm. A slight burning sensation. Come to find out some years later that this is a memory of my abusers burning my fingers with a cigarette. It makes sense. I just thought that feeling on my fingers was something physical or nerve endings or something but I was wrong

Something that came to mind today that I thought was pretty neat. I believe God gave me this:
I WAS ABUSED BUT I AM NOT A VICTIM, I WAS ABANDONED BUT I AM NOT ALONE Isnít that a cool thing. God just gently dropped into my heart.

Healing is happening and is on the way.

Jazzitup Patrick

This post has been edited by jazzitup: Yesterday, 07:39 PM

Friday July 18, 2008 Another update: Major breakthrough in counseling session today. Ok in counseling today littleboy was able to reveal something scary that happened in our basement during a time of abuse. He said scary face, evil they all three held up a light underneath their chin and and were saying to me ďwere the devilĒ ďwere going to get youĒ. They took turns doing this. They laughed at me and said you big baby. They took turns being mean and scary. Mom and Dad were not home. They were at work. Littelboy he went to hide. He hid behind some screens my dad had in his work area until they were gone. This really scared me as a little boy. I donít actually remember this event but I know it happened. As this memory came out littleboy just opened up and let it come out and while it came out littleboy drew a detailed picture of the basement and an exact area where they were when they were scaring me. They made fun saying oh you big baby are you going to run and hide. Also came out that they had the gun again but did not shoot it this time. I know this sounds so amazing and out there but I know it happened,

Saturday July 26, 2008 UPDATE

It is time to update MY STORY again as there has been another new event of abuse brought out by littleboy.
In counseling the other day littleboy said that his daddy tried to sell him. Now keep in mind that my Dad was sczophrinic and would do some strange things when he was sick like one time he thought he was and FBI agent so this is not out of the realm of possibilities. Anyway we got into the car and drove to a nice neighborhood and when we got there he told me to stay in the car and to stay down. When he came back he was very mad and he reached around and slapped me and told me I was a stupid kid so I would gather that the people there thought he was crazy and sent him on his way. Then we went home and he was still mad and so he took me into the basement and he put me face down on the floor and proceeded to sodomize me. Littleboy said that daddy was heavy and that he just laid there. When this came out at that time I had a body memory of the event. Littlboy said that daddy had big pe pe real big. To a littleboy thatís the way it would appear. Daddy said that if I ever told he would kill me. This memory is the hardest to accept, im not even sure if I believe if its true. But the body memory that accurd was true and about a year ago I did have a thought about that my Dad tried to sell me but I blew it off. During this revelation a strong feeling of worthlessness came to the surface. My counselor said this is the worst kind of abuse because my Dad was my caregiver and that my Dad was someone I looked up to as a little boy which is true. I remember one time at school on the playground telling another kid that my dad was taller than his so I was bragging on him, and when ever it was stormy outside and I was scared I always felt better if Dad was there because he seemed calm so even as I got older when Dad got home and it was stormy I always felt more secure. What I felt God spoke to me during this revelation was that my Dad loved me and really didnít want to hurt me but he was sick. Iím going to put this one up on a shelf for a while and see what happens. Please if you believe in Jesus please pray for me and that only the truth comes out .
God bless Love One Another and LIVE REAL.


Just a little update to my story and what has been happening lately. Ive had some very intense body memories of my Dad sexually abusing me so i am believing this memory more. this abuse left a strong, very strong feelings of worthlessness.

Also an old but new memory surfaced last week of my brother and my dad killing my doggy in front of me by tying some kind of string or rope around his neck then they made up a story that he got ran over. This memory first came out about 14 years ago with very intense sobbing and littleboy saying "they killed my doggy" but this memory has not been around much except occasionally but the other day in counseling it came out and with more details and also followed by crying so i am looking at this one again to see how accurate it is. The crying and the sadness that come with this memory tells me it is real and that it happened. i only had this puppy for a short while, i believe it was given to me by my babysitter. i do remember them having a litter of puppies in there garage. sometimes its hard for me to believe these things that come out and to trust myself. i dont want to make anything up, i just want the truth because truth helps bring healing.


Edited by walkingsouth (10/09/08 06:04 AM)