First of all, I'm a 26 year old male and even though I've had gay/bi fantasies since my teens and acted out online with gay/bi/transgendered pornography and cyber sex; It wasn't until a year ago did I start making connections between such behavior and my identity, and really start to give it deep though. I would do these things, often compulsively, yet I always identified myself as straight and even though this behavior would be in the back of my mind every now and then, I still always carried on without much anxiety or stress over it.
Well, since I got hit with this revelation, life has been total hell and even though I am unhappy with the behavior, the compulsiveness has gotten worse and it seems that the desire/attraction to females has...almost vanished.
I am afraid my presence here might offend some, because as far I can recall, I was never sexually abused. But reading what many people here write, I seem to relate to it more than what I read on forums dedicated to "coming out" and the hundreds, upon hundreds of articles I've read in the past year.
What I'd like to discuss, since I feel those here are educated a great deal in terms of sexual abuse...is the concept of Covert sexual abuse.
Long before I discovered this term and what it means, I've found myself saying that fantasies involving sexual behavior with other men did not start until AFTER my sexuality was questioned and my masculinity was mocked. I developed and distaste for conventions and a desire to set myself apart from others at an early age. My relationship with my dad wasn't the best and a lot of my behavior was in reaction to that and other things (rejection from peers). So I found a hero in Marilyn Manson. I dyed my hair black and grew it out. I lost my interest in sports (which I did enjoy earlier) and so on. This resulted in being the butt of gay jokes, being called a faggot, fag, queer. I remember an incident where I was punched in the head and the person who did it saying "OH SHIT, was that a girl or a guy? Cause I just punched it" as he walked off. I remember an awkward incident where a girl I didn't even know flat out ask me in front of everyone if I was gay, then later on tried to "hook me up" with a male friend of hers after I told her I wasn't.
All of this, along with an extreme feeling of insecurity in regards to my self image...I believe was the start of the fantasies, which was fueled by a LOT of pornography and marijuana use..which made me loose inhibitions in those late might marathon sessions.
I vividly remember one fantasy during masturbation. While I was doing it, I was in my self loathing state of mind. A stereotypical "hot guy" with the smooth body, six pack abs and larger than normal penis appeared and told me what I had wasn't a cock and told me I needed this and grabbed his..which, well you know lead to you know what. I also remember hearing the voices of men and women calling me abuse gay slurs as I repeated "yes, I am that" as I masturbated. It was clear even to me then that I was acting out something and reacting to something.
I've only had sexual intercourse with two girls. One, I loved. Which I know due to the fact I got sick when the relationship was over. I also kissed a girl last march and got an erection. Which I am pretty sure if a better indicator that I don't have a homosexual orientation, than the lack of arousal I get from straight porn lately.
Two years ago, I gave into the temptation of an anonymous same-sex encounter while working in the city where there are porn ships galore. I got oral from a man. I regret it, cause it fueled all of this deeper...but I still have the temptation to do it again. Today I put an ad on craigslist and set up (or attempted) a private gloryhole for me to engage in another one, but I masturbated...deleted the post and didn't go through with it.
I've dreamed of a long term relationship with a wife...having a female soul mate...but all of this is killing those dreams and when I am not researching sexuality, engaging in compulsive masturbation/porn use...I am sleeping to shut my head off.
There is so much more I can say, but can anyone offer me some insight? Am I off base with the covert abuse theory?
I've began to question WHY I did things in my early teens that got me called gay. But I never made any connection between it and sexual orientation. Even in those days when I didn't have the internet, I had a basis, natural understanding about differences between love, sex, behavior, identity, orientation, etc.
Edited by Conflicted_One (10/07/08 07:57 PM)