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#253403 - 10/07/08 06:10 PM He's afraid he's gay......
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I'm at a loss. I'm annoyed. I'm trying to be supportive.
I say "I will help you as long as you are not drinking"
He gets drunk.
I say "new medical kicked in, get a better therapist, all your meds, etc."
He does nothing.
He complains I don't want to touch him, so I make a point to make time to snuggle.
He squirms away and says "I'm afraid I'm gay."
Things keep getting shut off (utilities like cable)....
He says " I can't remember to pay the bills with all this stress"
I say "Give me the money and I will pay them."
He does nothing.

I am sooooo annoyed. What am I missing here?

#253416 - 10/07/08 07:16 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
You are mothering the man - he has no reason to get well (which only he can for himself & by himself). AL-ANON will tell you to cut him adrift, he either sinks or swims but it's his choice. YOU CANNOT make him well. That's what you're missing.

Do you need to be needed by him more than he needs you???

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#253456 - 10/07/08 10:44 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: joelRT]
cstjude Offline

Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada

These behaviours the drinking, the avoidance of therapy, the stress and panic, the confusion over sexual identity, the inability to concentrate or deliver on simple commitments, being shut down - these are all very familiar behaviours to those of us who have been involved with CSA survivors. He is NOT alone in these behaviours or these problems. The rationality you are trying to bring to the situation simply doesn't apply here. He is in a particular kind of pain and he is suffering. You both are, I'm willing to bet.

Joel is right when he says that he is the ONLY person who can deciee to get well.

So, where does that leave you? Until he decides for his own reasons that he wants to journey towards recovery, you have to take care of yourself. It's hard to do sometimes, but it really has to be his call.

Recovery is possible, there is hope! But it is his decision to reach for it or not. Your decision is whether to stay or not. Turning yourself inside out to make things work is ultiamtely unsustainable.

Read some of the survivor stories on this site. Those brave men have shared their experiences publicly and it is a generous insight into what CSA survivors struggle with.


Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

#255177 - 10/14/08 10:35 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: cstjude]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
He made an attempt at suicide on Friday. He's still in the neuro trauma unit.

#255178 - 10/14/08 10:41 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm so sorry sugarbaby! How are you holding up? Are you able to see him, talk to him? I hope both of you have family/friends to support you.

You'll both be in my thoughts.

ROCK ON.......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#255659 - 10/16/08 09:24 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Trish4850]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Sugerbaby, you and your family are in my prayers.


#255665 - 10/16/08 09:55 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: NY Daisy]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio

I'm hoping everything is ok. Please keep us informed. You both are in my prayers...


#255684 - 10/17/08 12:09 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: M3]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
He went from Trauma to the ICU, after surgery the other day. He won't get out of the ICU until they know they don't have to ventilate him anymore. In several months he should recover physically. Mentally.....I hope this is his bottom. Help is there just take it.

I was so jazzed up friday because I found that an old guy friend of mine had similar abuse at a similar age and had worked his way to recovering. I thought that was great! Great person for H to talk to! They always liked each other on visits and such!
On my way home I actually watched the med-evac fly over the highway with H in it. Only, I didn't know it yet.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could type how sincerely I mean that.

#255687 - 10/17/08 12:32 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Still praying!

#256467 - 10/20/08 01:22 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
He asked to be admitted for in-patient psych so he will be transferred for that. Medically he is stable, except he needed oxygen again last night so......that may delay the transfer another day.

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