Jake, I really hate it when anyone is hurting as badly as you are today--and have for such a long time.
It would take someone who has studied child sexual abuse, studied it a whole lot more than I have, to explain why it is that adults get their sexual desires fulfilled, only, or primarily, by having sex with a young person, usually under age 19 or so.
Perhaps you were a handsome Lad. But, I don't think it matters--what matters, I believe, was your age. I sure was no where near as handsome as many other scouts were in my troop. He said he liked my butt. What he liked was controlling me and humiliating me and beating me as though I were an equal to him. How he did love doing that! He chose me because he knew he could control me. He chose someone else one time, and that kid put up a hell of a fight. Then he had the other boy mess with me and I with him. So he had us where he could say that he caught us doing this stuff, if we ever told on him. I do not think he ever bothered that kid again. But, the kid could not tell anyone, so it is hard to know for sure. I am pretty sure that the other scout and I did not do things to each other after that one night.
What makes CSA so difficult for many to understand is the simple reality that it feels good, at least a part of it does, the attention feels good, having someone touch us or even say "good" things to us, it all seems ok, or not so bad, or we believe the lies that they are so expert at telling us.
So many of us have felt dirty and see sex as dirty. I refuse to have that crap in my mind anymore. Sex can be beautiful when it is an expression of love, and people who have sex tell me that at times it is just simply fun.
I sure as the devil am not dirty for what a perverted person did to me, no matter how much it might have felt good at times, and no matter how much I had to cooperate for it to happen at all. Being abused did not make me dirty any more than a kid who is physically abused was made to be a really bad boy who damned well deserved everything he got!
We are not dirty, we are not spoiled, we are not ruined, we are not irreparably damaged. We are men who were harmed when we were younger.
What a great way to get us to keep the silence! Make us believe that we caused it, or we wanted it, or we tried to do the best we could for them, or any of the other ridiculous crap perps dream up to switch the responjsibility for their sick, criminal activity, to the victim.
Jake, you are the solid one, the one with strength and a lot better mental health than any perp. I hope you can come to believe that you were totally innocent of blame. Personally, I think that a kid who was abused when a younger teen, and who then continues to be perped even after they are of age, I think they are still innocent victims. They may appear to cooperate. But, especially, when it is the same perp who uses the same manipulations, he is just continuing to be the victim until he gets a total break from the influence of the perp. That is just my own opinion.
If our perp really had us in his "clutches" so to speak, really had manipulated us to think he cared about us and that we wanted this stuff to please him etc., then, I think that influences our thinking for years, perhaps for decades. That is why we have men and women like the Therpists here who help us to see that the effects of the trauma on us as a young man, are many, varied, and have power for a very long time after the last time we were molested.
Peace and all that is good be with you Jake!
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.