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#252540 - 10/02/08 10:45 AM i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor
new csa Offline

Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
i was raped by a 26 yo woman when i was 17&1/2. i was drinking and ended up sleeping with a woman in the house where i lived, it was my first real sexual experience. at first it was ok, we had no condom and this already made me hesitant but i kept going, then i started to experience pain and got off her but she jumped on me, i couldnt stop her i just froze. then she kept coming back that night for hours, i was terrified and felt powerless. the following night i had a schizophrenic episode that saw me admitted to an institutuion for 3 months, i new the event was a catalyst but only now after researching sexual abuse to gain a better understanding for my girlfriends repocussions from a csa i started to notice some correlations with me. in particular paranoia, uncontrollable fear, isolation, numbness with the addition that my paranoia thought someone was going to kill me for something horrible i had done. the reason changed often but the same people where in the same roles often.

this then led me to remember another situation when i was about 8, i went to a friends house and was raped by him in his bedroom. He was very forceful and used all his body weight on me o prevent me from escape. he then told me it was sex and that it feels good.

and now i have the suspicion that my own mother may have raped me when i was very young, i remember talking to my older sister at the time and showing her what had happened. this is all so fresh and i have only just cracked it now at the age of 30, i have continually had problems with fear of my partner cheating on me and almost all of my serious relationships have been with abusees. i had an std check when i was 18 - 19 and and have had unprotected sex with many of my long term partners. now i am fully aware of the importance i will get a new std test and will only practise protected sex until given the all clear.

can anyone suggest anything for me aside from therapy (as i am thoroughly aware of its importance)

how can i get healing?

#252541 - 10/02/08 11:11 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
kutcher Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
New CSA,

You have taken a big step by coming here in your healing. I was 42 when I discovered I was a csa.

Comming here you will find, love, respect and the support you have needed your whole life to heal the hurt child inside. Being able to reveal some of what happened here itself is a great start. You will find some great people here with tremendous insight.

You can work with people here and get a referall to a good therapist, key, you can vent your frustrations here and you can ask any questions you have.

CSA I know I did not give you a step by step process to recover in this post but healing happens differently for many people, find a therapist, develop a support network and use this site and the community here to help you along the journey.

Thanks for your willingness to share and please return whenever you want to and reach out to us.

My honor, respect and love


#252542 - 10/02/08 11:13 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hi New CSA,

Welcome amongst us, I'm sorry that you had to find your way here but glad for you that you did. Many of the men here have been raped by women and will be able to offer you some valuable insights. Take your time to look around here, read the posts, check out the Survivor Stories Forum and then make up your own mind.

I think you will find that you are among friends here, guys who relate to what it is you have to say, guys who don't judge or take you lightly, guys who speak your language and who commiserate with you pain. MS was for me (and many guys are nodding in agreement as they read this) the lifeline that I was so desperatly needing. Did MS fix my problems? No, I'm doing that. MS did give me a safe place to do the work on myself that I've been needing to do, however, and for me that has been invaluable.

Your fellow journeyman,

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#252544 - 10/02/08 11:52 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: joelRT]
new csa Offline

Registered: 10/02/08
Posts: 5
Loc: none
thankyou dave an joel

i already feel a relief that i have found somewhere to open to others who have experiences. i have already found many stories i feel a connection to and look forward to growth and heal


new csa

#252570 - 10/02/08 03:43 PM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
James909 Offline

Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 8
Loc: ny
New CSA.
You should be proud of the courage you demonstrate by making that post and taking the first big step. I took the same step yesterday and was truly frightened about the outcome. The biggest fears I had about making my post would be that no-one would believe me or even worse, no-one would care. The responses I received were filled with encouragement and relief that I was not alone in the experiences I went through or in the subsequent issues I dealt with afterward.
I am not sure what advice to give you to help navigate other than to stay strong and know that whatever has happened to can be healed. Write you story and post your concerns and questions as they come up. Like you, I have no idea where to head in this process but it certainly seems like there are many people posting here who are well equipped to help.

Stay Strong

#252584 - 10/02/08 05:32 PM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: James909]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
New CSA,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor and congratulations on taking your first steps towards recovery! As others have pointed out, take your time, read, post and take in the wealth of knowledge and wisdom that are on this site.

You ask about starting the healing process. Here is a thread that you should look at because there are a lot of suggestions for beginning your recovery.

Hope this helps! Peace and love... you are with friends...


#252588 - 10/02/08 05:59 PM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: M3]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
This a good place to get a lot of support, understanding, and even a life-changing insight or two. At least it was 4 me. Hope you find as much healing here as I have.

My Story
My Art

#506321 - 02/08/17 02:15 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia

It's scary as hell when the first of the pieces start coming together-- when you realize that "what happened then" is affecting your life right now. But congratulations on your steps to put the pieces together. Many of us had multiple abusers, or abusers who alternately blamed us and groomed us, so we know how hard it is to sort all this out.

It's been said that the "ideal" abuse situation is the one-off incident where the boy is restored and the perpetrator is punished. (No abuse is ever acceptable; I say "ideal" meaning "simplest to unravel," not "good in any way.") Add in more than one perp, like in your situation, or parents who don't know/care, or a perp who makes you feel like you wanted/started/didn't stop it, or a downright rape you can't talk about (perhaps that incident when you were about eight?) and it gets incrementally difficult.

Just know that no matter what, you are NOT responsible. You didn't rape yourself. You didn't tell that friend it was ok to do that. You didn't tell that woman to come back after you discontinued having sex. (The "no means no" rule works both ways, even if you were drinking and it started off semi-consensual.) Not guilty, brother.

Also, please know that you're in that group of people who have pain not many people can grasp. Stay strong and do your very best to heal. None of what you went through is excusable. Welcome, although I hate to have to say that to anyone, and I hope the guys' insights here will help.

GS (aka Bob)

Edited by gettingstronger (02/08/17 02:15 AM)

#506326 - 02/08/17 07:32 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
Hi New Csa.

I'm really sorry that you have to be here, but you are welcome and hopefully being here will help you as it has me and many others.

I can personally confirm that yes, women are just as capable of sexual violence as men, despite the media biases in the other direction, indeed it's a credit to your own insite that you realized this and have begun along the path of putting things back together.

Sadly you can't "get healing" in the way that you could just go to a restaurant and "get dinner", my own experience has been more along the lines that you "start healing" and then need to take the path and see where it goes. That's where the guys here can help hugely, since even if people haven't been through exactly the same circumstances or aren't in the same place, empathy is a wonderful thing.

Sometimes a therapist can be helpful, though it depends upon the therapist and you.

One thing I will say is it sounds like you've got an understanding girlfriend and sister, which definitely can be good too.

I really hope you can work your way to a better place and that being here will help you do that, as it has for me.


#506327 - 02/08/17 10:06 AM Re: i have just discovered that i am a csa survivor [Re: new csa]
BDD Offline

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 383
Loc: PA, USA
New CSA,

I am sorry you went through those awful experiences. As crappy as your probably feel, waking up to the memories is wonderful. Give yourself time. Anyway you can express what you are thinking & feeling is powerful, write, draw and talk. Do anything you can not to fade away.

You are strong enough to do this.
Owning It

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