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#252172 - 09/30/08 08:58 PM Where to begin.
jnj Offline

Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
This is a my 1st post and I think it will be quite a long one but I hope by writing it I can get a few things off my chest and it will help me with getting back on track with my life.

I think it is best to say that I didn't even realise that the sexual abuse I was subjected to as a child was even affecting me and my life as a adult, husband and father. I now realise after some inward reflecting that what I experienced has had a profound effect on who I am today. Especially my inability to be completly comfortable in some kinds of intimacy with my wife.

I was 1st abused when I was 8 years old. I was sent to boarding school for boys which I would say was very typical of the type of boarding school in England. I was sent as a weekly boarder which meant I was able to go home at weekends. I shared a dormitory with 3 other boys the same age as myself and we had an older boy of about 16 who was supposed to look after us.
It was not long after I started that he started to abuse all 4 of us boys in our dorm. It went on for about a year. I don't really wish to go into the details of the abuse but I know it made me feel confused, scared, ashamed and used. None of us 4 boys actually spoke to each other about what was happening but we all were subjected to various types of abuse and we also had to witness the abuse of each other also. The boy who abused us told us that what we were doing was perfectly normal but we would all be in very big trouble if we told anyone and he would hurt us badly if we did.

I was fortunate that after about a year the school was sold and was to be closed. I escaped and was sent to another school.

I tried to forget about what happened and my new school was amazing. There was no abuse and I was able to really get stuck into enjoying myself at school again. I was playing rugby, doing judo and singing in the boys choir. I know that I was having bad dreams about my abuse but I was as happy as I think I could be at that time.

I then went to collage at 16 and met a guy who I will call G. G was a great guy and we really clicked as friends. We became really firm friends and I will always regard G as one of the closest friends I have had.

I always suspected that G was gay but I never asked him but eventually he came out to me. I didn't care that G was gay he was my best friend and I was determined that it would not change that.

I started to meet some of his gay friends also and that is where I met C. G had told me that C was attracted to me but also had told him in no uncertain terms that I was straight.

One night G had a party at his home and after a great time I did what I always do when I have had a lot to drink- I passed out in a drunken heap. I woke up quite some time later and I realised that somebody had taken down my trousers and was playing with my genitals. I looked down and realised it was C and I just froze. He smiled at me and continued. (I FEEL DIRTY JUST WRITING THIS). I just could not react I know I should have and I know I didn't enjoy it. I was disgusted but I just could not move or stop him. All my past came back and I did what I did when I was 8. I just froze.

After he finished I got up and took a shower. G came in and I told him what had happened. He was so very angry and took me into his room and let me curl up in his bed. When he had calmed me down he then told C to leave and I never saw C again.

I just could not believe it had happened again and I really thought because I didn't stop C when I awoke I had actually allowed him to abuse me and it was my fault like it was when I was a boy.

I never told G about my abuse as an 8 year old.

So time moved on again. I will explain that on the outside people who knew me thought I was definitely a man's man. I was playing rugby for my town and I was working the door in a nightclub. Nobody knew about my abuse I kept that to myself.

I had quite a few girlfriends and most of them thought I treated them badly. I think women found me confusing. I would get involved and treat them really well. But as soon as we had sex I was gone. Everytime. It was also confusing for me I didn't know why. I didn't know why I just had to get away from anyone I had sex with. My skin would crawl afterwards and I just had to get away from any partner I had.

Anyway after a lot of girlfriends I finally met my wife.I will call her J. I fell in love with her in a way I never was able to do before. However as our relationship started I began to pull away again and she was getting mixed messages. Eventually J gave me a choice. Either become more committed or she would move on. I made the right choice. We had the usual romance. We moved in together and then we got married about 18 months after. Then after 4 years we had a little girl called I. who is now 16 months old.
However our marrage has not always perfect but we are best friends. However J I feel finds it difficult sometimes because I am not always forthcoming with affection to her. I feel it but just things like hugging I find uncomfortable. Anyway after a difficult time I told J everything about my past. I broke down and it all came out and J was fantastic. I was worried about the stigma of the abused becoming the abuser but I know I am not like that at all. I think my wife now really understands me more and she has been so supportive. Another thing about telling J is that I now also feel much more able to show my feelings for her. I do love her very much.

My daughter is also an amazing little girl and I think she is the only person I have never had a problem showing affection towards. She is such a healing balm on my soul and I love her more and more as she gets older.

So I have started to understand myself more and so does my wife.

I am very unsure as to whether I should tell my mother. I just don't know how she will react and I don't know if I will benefit any from telling her.

I have bought some books too and hope they will help me as well.

But the main thing is now I have told my wife I can move forward with her and things can only get better.

I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

#252174 - 09/30/08 09:21 PM Re: Where to begin. [Re: jnj]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Welcome to MS, my friend,

But the main thing is now I have told my wife I can move forward with her and things can only get better.

Yes, this is true - after a long, complexe, arduous and Oh so rewarding journey into recovery.

You are fortunate indeed that disclosing to your wife went so well for you. As many of us here can tell you that is seldom the case. I am so proud for both of you. Tell your mother? Is she somehow directly or indirectly involved in the abuse you suffered? Would your mother benefit by this new knowledge and would she believe you? Perhaps your wife can help you sort that one out.

In closing let me just say that reading can be, and often is, an invaluable ressource. I know that it in part helped me save my sanity. Sites like MS and the caring men here are an another ressource that you may want to make good use of. There is support for your wife here as well in the Family Forum. There are going to be times when she may feel the need for such support.

Your fellow journeyman,

Edited by joelRT (09/30/08 09:23 PM)
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#252179 - 09/30/08 10:38 PM Re: Where to begin. [Re: joelRT]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, jnj, and welcome to the MS site. I'm glad you found your way here to this place that can help you in your healing. It seems you have already found one of the greatest helps in healing, which is talking about what happened and getting it out. I'm glad you were able to do that with your wife, and now you have done it here, so you are on the path.

As to telling your mother, the main question you need to ask yourself it whether it will help YOU or not. Disclosure need not be done for any other reason. Right now, it really is all about you and what you need for your recovery.

Keep talking about whatever you feel you need to, and know that there are many others here who support you.


#252184 - 09/30/08 11:14 PM Re: Where to begin. [Re: EGL]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
I would not tell your mother. I told my father several years after the event. This is the only time that I ever sew him cry.



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#252189 - 09/30/08 11:49 PM Re: Where to begin. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Welcome jnj. You have found a good place to help yourself heal. I recommend being careful about disclosure. It isn't that any of the shame belongs to you, but some people react well, and others react very badly which makes it hard for think long and hard about how you imagine someone reacting because if you suspect they aren't someone who can handle it well, you are probably right.

My Story
My Art

#252194 - 10/01/08 12:21 AM Re: Where to begin. [Re: jnj]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

I'm very happy for you that your wife is so supportive. You've started down the road to healing yourself. As far as telling your mom, I'd ask yourself a question: how will this help you? As has been said in some earlier replies, different people accept the disclosure in different ways. Many reactions are not what you would hope for and are not helpful to your well being. If she was somehow responsible for what happened it might help you in some way to get it out there but you have no control over how she might react or respond.

About what happened to you when you were in college, freezing up is just a replication of what you did when you were a kid. That's the only way that you learned to cope with it back then and that's was your automatic reaction to it. It was never your fault, never. Any shame is with the perpetrator not with you.

You've come to a place that is full of supportive guys who have been through some of the same kinds of things. It's comforting to be able to say things without translation; we've been there, we understand.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#252208 - 10/01/08 01:40 AM Re: Where to begin. [Re: Stephen_5]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
As said so many times before, welcome to MaleSurvivor jnj!! \:\) Sorry you had the need to find us, but I'm glad that you are here. I hope you'll find this site to be as helpful as I have. The men here are compassionate and knowledgeable. Since we have a "shared history" you will find it incredibly freeing as you connect with individuals who have the same issues, feelings, emotions that you are experiencing.

It is wonderful that your wife is so understanding, that will go a long way with your recovery. As for telling your mother, there have been really mixed results among the men here who have disclosed to their parents. I have one friend here who disclosed to his parents abuse that happened in a dormitory situation. His experience was positive. Hopefully he'll chime in here or Private Message you with some advice.

Ken Singer, a moderator here and a therapist, has posted advice on this site about disclosing to parents and a chapter from his book for parents who have an adult child that has been abused. The best advice I can give you on disclosing to your mother is to prepare yourself.

Congratulations on beginning your journey to recovery.

Peace and love...


#252282 - 10/01/08 08:03 AM Re: Where to begin. [Re: M3]
jnj Offline

Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
Thank you all so much.

I spoke with my wife about maybe telling my mum and after talking with her and reading you advice I have decided that I will not tell her.

My Mother has always had a kind of selfish personality and we have never been really close. I think I wanted to tell her because I wanted her to understand me better but I now realise that it would not actually help me at all.

My mother could quite easily either blame me or say I am not telling the truth. I think it would be her way of dealing with my abuse and it would not be a positive thing for me. I am just coming to terms with what happened myself. I also know she would not be able to keep it to herself.

Right now my wife is my number 1 support and I also cant tell you guys enough just how great it is to find people who know how it all feels. So once again thank you.

I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

#252321 - 10/01/08 01:38 PM Re: Where to begin. [Re: jnj]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Welcome aboard jmj, it wasn't very long ago that I found this site, and others who are willing and able to share their postings on their feelings and dealings with me/US. You came to the right place at the right time. Be prepaired for the roller coaster ride of your life with your emotions while you start to recover. Count me as one of your friends. Heal well.
Pete (Irishmoose)

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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