Na'er do I belong.
Na'er do I fit.
I come and feel nothing.
No connection. Not a thing.
Yet somewhere inside some vile thing wants
what it can not have.
It longs for love. It longs to trust.
"Silence vile filth! Why do you insist on wanting what is not for you!", my mind shouts inwardly.
It stills a bit, but ever it tries to get it's way. It will try again.
Stupid thing fights and yearns and I must remind it constantly that what it wants is not for it, only for others!
"Others can connect! Others can trust! Not you! You're naught but vile garbage and beneath all of them!"
Why won't it listen? Why can't it just die or at least shut-up and let me be? In it's yearning it causes such pain and distress, if only it would cease it's constant battle, then at least I could have peace!
But no, it tries and tries again! It doesn't have to deal with the shit it causes! It doesn't have to bear the pain of betrayal after betrayal of being let down again and again!
Worthless thing! If one could find a way to kill off that part that longs, oh what a glorious day that would be! Never to have to deal with that pain and lonely longing of being alone again... Vile thing doesn't have to feel that pain. I do. Yet it brings it on again and again and again!
It longs for the very thing that brings nothing but pain and anguish again and again! Ignorant and utter filth and garbage! Worthless garbage that can not be thrown away, for whenever you try, it is returned again and again.
"Vile thing, it is not for you to belong! It is not for you to fit! Cease your worthless wantings and longings for that which you will never have for you deserve no such thing!"