Okay. I can understand why you feel so strongly about your father, and we have talked about why a survivor may sometimes miss the abuser. You aren't alone.
And there's no reason to feel guilty because you have these feelings. It's not like you chose them, and it's not like you have the option of turning them on and off as you please. These high-powered emotions so often aren't good or bad, they're just "there".
You don't have to judge yourself because you have these feelings. You haven't done anything wrong. Gradually you will sort all this out; it just takes time.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)