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#249980 - 09/17/08 05:37 PM Conflicting Feelings about My Perps
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
At first I was going to include this with my reply to islandboy's "Perps History" thread. As my thoughts were developing I recognized that this was going off topic so I decided to locate them to a new thread rather than hijacking islandboy's thread.

I think about my perps A LOT. Perhaps too much. My first perp was rude, vile, a bully in the truest sense of the word. The second was sweet, affirming, caring but deep down he was a wolf. I have not been one to advocate civil justice. I am sickened by the wanton abuse of this part of our judicial system. But last night, for the first time, I actually thought that I could bring a claim against my first employer for the crime committed against me by my boss. I will likely not pursue this not only for the reason stated above but because I don't think I want to dig into the details of that trauma to be put on public display. In the end it may be much more hurtful to me. But I digress.

For me I am conflicted. It is easy for me to have hatred for my first perp because of who he was to me. There were no endearing quality to him that I look back to. I was only enamored by him because he was 2 or 3 years older than me and I thought it was cool that he paid attention to me. For my second perp my feelings are more complex. I liked the guy as a trusted adult/fatherly figure. He spent a lot of time and effort securing my trust. I had no clue what his objective was and even when he started down that path I refused to see it for what it was. Yet, I still liked him. God, why do I still like him....why do I miss him??? He was a snake. In many ways much more evil than perp number 1.

Conflicted in Oregon.


My Story

#249993 - 09/17/08 07:48 PM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: Barkabus]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio

It is easy for a child to care for someone that hurts them, especially if that person gives the child something he needs (attention, affection, etc.). When those are given to lure the boy into a web of deceit and harm, positive qualities and feelings get knotted with the negatives. Our job as an adult survivor is to be compassionate with ourselves while we attempt to untangle the knot. These confused emotions are something many of us feel and it is ok to be confused - don't beat yourself up. Then work on untangling the good from the bad.

I can understand why you would consider the second perp more evil than the first. These days I'm much more angered by the mind games people played on me as a child than the physical acts. Toying with a child's mind and emotions is unforgivable in my book.

Something you might find interesting is The Tricky Part, by Marty Moran. The end of this book is about him confronting his perpetrator later in life. Though he doesn't specifically talk directly too it, it does have a bit about the conflicting feelings he has about the man. It might be something you can relate to.

Take care and be gentle with yourself ((Mike)). Peace and love as always...


#249995 - 09/17/08 08:03 PM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: M3]
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491

I had 4 different people perpetrate me, and one was very kind, very giving, very gentle, and not at all the kind of person you think of with someone who commiting such crime against a child. Even in the abuses, he was gentle and 'kind', but still, he done same things to me as these other three men who was not kind. I still, I feel 'conflict' of it also, but I still have damages of him specifically. I think his abuses damage more my trust, and even now, I still have much difficulty for anyone to give me gifts, without to think that I must somehow 'pay' back for them. Even from my family, to receive such a thing, it is difficult for me to accept without suspiciouns, although it do become better some now.

This man, he died several years ago, and I feel very badly of that, and for his family. I do believe very much that he was a good person inside who for some reason, just do this bad thing. I hope very much that he have peace of hiself now and was accepted and forgiven by God, because he have been by me.


#250009 - 09/17/08 08:40 PM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: M3]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

Feel free to hijack my posts anytime...!!!
Of course, if you want to start a new thread that's cool to...

I feel, this story relates to mine on different levels, (you definately wouldn't be totally off base).

I value your input, our stories are different, but at the same time, not unique.

I was thinking about my perp when I wrote my post, and I see here you were thinking about your perp when you wrote your post.

By telling your story,(feelings associated). I am able to figure out mine. (connect the dots, move forward).

When you shed light on your issues, you shed light on mine.

There is no-one on this island that I can relate to. (on this subject, other than my T).

Maybe, I just hijacked your thread by telling you how much I appreciate your input.

If so...I AM SORRY...!!!

Your words will inspire others,


p.s. M3, Thank you for The Tricky Part...!!!


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#250085 - 09/18/08 02:38 AM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: 1islandboy]
nltsaved Offline

Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 938
Loc: Kc,Mo
man this is weird i just had this conversation with my wife last night . on how my first perp spent so long grooming me that i felt like he was a father to me , but little did i no that his goal was to molest me . it sucks!!!! and i still new it was wrong but at the time the attention and the things he would buy me some how out weighed the molestation. any way just thought i would chime in on this one

Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus

#250237 - 09/19/08 03:03 AM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: Barkabus]
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
When I was abused, it was the first time I ever felt loved in my life, though didn't know then that attention is not love! Each time hence, when someone gave me bit attention I took it for love, though was majorly dissappointed later, now I know better, many decades later!

It was cross connection I had to fix within, so that I do not confuse the two! To not give away my power, affections and love, just because I wanted some attention, from someone in life, I had to make peace with my lonliness, and find its cause - that I wasn't giving my attention to myself!

Once I started doing that in my daily life and especially through meditation, I no longer feel that pull, when someone gives me attention, I know it is only attention, and temporary!


~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#250908 - 09/24/08 06:12 PM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: Morning Star]
sunwolf Offline

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Its the same for me..i have mixed feelings about some of my 1st perp was my older borther..i stil lhave mixed feeligns for him...i love him but am still not close to him...we have never been close since we turned 1st adult perp was when i was 13...he was "nice" to me...i became very attached to him and still have sometipe of attachmentto his fatherly figure...i havent seen him in a long time i was 16 the alst time...but he stil present in me...

#250942 - 09/24/08 11:42 PM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: Barkabus]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: Barkabus
Yet, I still liked him. God, why do I still like him....why do I miss him??? He was a snake.

Every boy needs to have men in his life who will validate and nurture him and make him feel special, important, wanted and loved. Those needs are huge in a boy! And even if they come with abuse hidden in the package somehow, it's not unlikely that he will still appreciate the positive side.

Those feelings and memories stick with us, bro, just like our memories of (for example) a hill that we remember as steep and dangerous when we rode our bikes down it as kids, but then see it again in adulthood and realize it's just a gentle slope! Until that childhood memory is tested and challenged and disproved, we have it in our heads a s part of our own little world of remembered realities, if you get what I mean.

In a way it's so sad all the way around. The perp had a chance to be a safe mentor figure that the boy would remember all his life for his generosity and caring attention. But he blew it, and what "could have been" has been tainted and contaminated.

How you react to this situation is up to you, though. If in your heart you find that it works to appreciate some part of who the guy was, that's your call and your call only. The important part is to face things as they really are and see where your feelings take you.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#250976 - 09/25/08 02:07 AM Re: Conflicting Feelings about My Perps [Re: roadrunner]
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Originally Posted By: roadrunner

Every boy needs to have men in his life who will validate and nurture him and make him feel special, important, wanted and loved. Those needs are huge in a boy! And even if they come with abuse hidden in the package somehow, it's not unlikely that he will still appreciate the positive side.

This makes a lot of sence, and at the same time hurts my head! Would explain alot, why i went to him eveyday. Guess i needed him more than i thouhgt i did. I loved him, did anything and everything he wanted of me...

Would explain why I'm now incapable of love, emotionaly hollow, null, and without a soul.

Going to go think on this a bit more!!


If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!



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