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Marinan Offline

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 330
Why is it that I waste away in my pain? I'm constantly burning in flames and no one is doing anything aboutit. Its my fault because I don't want to tell anyone that I've been raped as a little boy.

Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (10/16/08 05:31 PM)

#249117 - 09/11/08 12:38 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE [Re: Marinan]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Keeping secrets keeps the pain inside of you. When you disclose to the right person, you let it out. Instead of the secret controlling you, you can control it by exposing it to someone, whether people here of someone in your life.

Take a look at:

Good luck.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#249147 - 09/11/08 05:46 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
i was also raped as a little boy Marinan.

was going to make this post longer, but what else is there to say.

Hey Marinan, me too bro

Stay strong.


#249282 - 09/12/08 04:45 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE [Re: mogigo]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2614
Loc: Central PA
Keep talking man. We've talked a few times in chat and you've shared a bit, and that's good.

I hate being alone and know how scary it is to start to share things, but Ken is right, as you being to talk about it, the pain begins to come out. Hurts for sure, but it's the only way for it to get better.

Keep talking!

#249362 - 09/13/08 10:52 AM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE [Re: JustScott]
heartouch Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 4
Loc: arkansas
when i was 16 years old i was raped.
i just had a flashback as i was coming to awake from asleep a few minutes ago this is something i have never looked at in a long time. i have just cried some of the deepest pain i have felt in a long time. i feel relieved, i fell relaxed, i am taking deep breaths as i type this i am hopeful. i just wanted to share with you. i disclosed to my partner what was going on this week last night , he was compassionate. i will share this part of my story with him today.. WOW. thanks for your listening and i trust you.

#255617 - 10/16/08 05:21 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE [Re: heartouch]
sunwolf Offline

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
many of us been raped...talking about it is good..don't let that prevent you from healing and being freed from pain...

#255620 - 10/16/08 05:33 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNI [Re: Marinan]
ineffable Offline

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
bump so that trigger warning shows

:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::

#255626 - 10/16/08 05:52 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: Marinan]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Everyone is absolutly right!

I was gang-raped at eleven by four teen-aged boys. The experience was such a shock to psyche that I blocked the whole event out for thirty one years. When the memories came back I thought I was losing my mind and the last thing in the world that I wanted to do was to tell. I couldn't even say it aloud to myself, let alone another person.

Very long story, short....I finally told, and then told again and again and again...'till it seemed I couldn't shut up about it.

For as much as it hurts at first (I thought I was gooing to die from the pain & the embarassement), it gets easier with the telling but most importantly is that telling is freeing - the pain lessens and from there we find ways to deal with it and ultimatly recover.

Choose who you reveal to, and then go for it. You will be so glad that you did!

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#255634 - 10/16/08 06:48 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: joelRT]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I know this may seem unsufferably naive, but

is forced fellatio (oral sex) considered rape?


puffer whistle

#255661 - 10/16/08 09:30 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: pufferfish]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Isn't any act of sex without your consent considered rape? Isn't any sexual activity between an adult and child considered rape?

#257274 - 10/24/08 12:14 AM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: NY Daisy]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
In this thread I’ve noticed some men use the term “rape” and others don’t. I like that ‘NY Daisy says:
Isn't any act of sex without your consent considered rape?

That’s it in one really. I think (me at least) we’ve been conditioned that rape is a term for what happens to women. Is that because the world en-masse has the view that only women can be sexually assaulted?

I recall one session with my T where I said “it feels like I was raped”. She validated my statement by saying that forced sex on anyone, regardless of gender and regardless of the acts is rape.

Calling it rape certainly makes it a more powerful (and internally impacting) declaration. Ask anyone their thoughts on rape and they will not paint a pretty picture. Tell them you know someone who was raped and watch the empathy flow. Tell them you were raped and (sadly) see a different response.

We need to call it what is was. It was rape. We were denied respect, care, nurture and love. What is meant to be a wonderful thing (sex) was turned to poison for us.

#257382 - 10/24/08 02:16 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: NY Daisy]
Georgian Offline

Registered: 10/24/08
Posts: 2
am new to site. Just starting to deal with the past. I'm lost. I'm in recovery from a long life of addiction, and this old stuff keeps coming up. It makes me want to use again.

#257385 - 10/24/08 02:28 PM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: Georgian]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Welcome to MS. I think that as you look around and read the posts from other men you'll find that you are no longer alone in what you're experiencing and consequently no longer lost.

The early stages of recovery are always disquieting and certainly leave us feeling off balance. In the begining we all just want to go and hide somewhere hoping that by doing so our core issues will go away by themselves. Unfortunately things don't work that way and using only agravates the problem.

You've found a safe place here to talk about and to talk through what it is that hurts you to men who have been there and who are willing and able to support you.

Today, you've taken the hardest journey on, we'll be here for you....

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#257572 - 10/25/08 01:19 AM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: joelRT]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

My drug of choice is alcohol, but the truth is I can abuse any drug. I am your classic stuffer, and used to stuff my feelings so far inside...

Good on you finding M.S.

I've been many places, but I hold the journey inward the most sacred. (I hope eventually you do to).

Yes, you want to use. All I can say is ,"easy does it" ...and take care of yourself...!!!

Themes (Anderson,Bruford,Wakeman,Howe


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#257697 - 10/25/08 06:11 AM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: 1islandboy]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Tinman1206, Hi & Welcome, you are in the right place at the right time. Yep we sure do add to our sexual abuse misery, as we try (I did try) for 21 years to drown that lost boy in alcohol, drugs or whatever. But it took an accident to get me of the alcohol, I went to AA meetings and I had a therapist for the alki, I told him what he wanted to hear, as I was trying to save my military career. But on my last therapy session as I was leaving he said to me, you know that you can't run away from yourself. Now he must have sensed something that I didn't as I haden't told him the real reason I was an alcoholic. It was my SECRET of CSA. Now I've been sober for 31 years, I've been dealing with those surfaced sexual abuse memories for a shade over 4 months. I'm in therapy, I am reading the book/guide Victims No Longer, and have spent a lot of time on chapter 5, lost childhood. I've been even deeper into my heart and soul with those long buried memories. I take the information that I receive from my friends/brothers on this web site, and these pages to heart. Here I am home, I recieve understanding, compassion and love from all. I also return their respect. So please stay with us, you will heal along with the rest of us. Besides you did tell someone about YOUR SECRET on these pages.
Please consider me your friend in healing. I wish you and the rest of us well in our healing. Maybe someday we all will find the serenity that we all deserve.

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#257702 - 10/25/08 07:11 AM Re: I'm SOO UNBEARABLY UNCOMFORTABLE(TRIGGER WARNING) [Re: petercorbett]
jggab Offline

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 53
Loc: California
I never considered what happened to me as "rape" until I started reading some of the literature. . . "Beginning to Heal", "Abused Boys". I knew things were wrong that happened to me. . . but never put a term to it. When I was reading, something clicked and I thought. . . "oh my god. . . I was raped!"
What an aweful feeling. .. it's as if it was all happening again. I never even considered the thought. . . that it was considered "rape".
Somehow. . putting a term to it just makes it seem worse. But. . . that is exactly what it was. Now I can stop wondering what was going on in this part of my life, and call it what it really was.


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