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#248058 - 09/03/08 10:48 PM New & Need advice
CL Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 2
I just found out about his abuse and he mentioned it like it he was asking me to pass the ketchup. I thought he was kidding so I told him not to joke about stuff like that and he said he was wasn't. I started to cry, I couldn't help it. He asked why I was so upset. He said it happened so long ago that it's not a big deal. NOT A BIG DEAL????? it explains so much, things make so much more sense to me now but then he didn't want to talk about it. I don't know how to bring it up again, I know he just wants to bury it and not talk about it but then I am not sure why he brought it up. How can he think that I can just forget about it or move on like nothing was said.???? He acts like nothing was said but it's killing me inside.

#248076 - 09/04/08 12:17 AM Re: New & Need advice [Re: CL]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Welcome. We're glad you're here but so very sorry you need a place like this.

Your post could have been written by most of the wives and girlfriends here. Heck, it could have been written by my wife.

You said he acts like it's nothing. While I can't speak for other survivors I do know that I had very little understanding of the impact the sexual abuse had on my life. In essence it WAS nothing because I didn't understand that it was. As a child growing up, abuse was the norm. I had nothing to compare it against. Is it any wonder I grew up and lived half my adult life not realizing that something terrible had happened to me?

I imagine your significant other is in much the same situation in his life. Unfortunately there is little you can do to force his point of view to change other than perhaps when or if things get so bad between you and he that he faces losing all he holds dear. Us guys are not known for responding positively to requests that we seek therapy. Denial is much more appealing than talking to ANYONE about this.

I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture, but neither do I want to tell you that things will be a bed of roses if you follow steps a, b, and c to perfection. The best advise I can give you is to go to our MS Bookstore linked on our home page and purchase a couple of books. One of them is "Victim's No Longer" by Mike Lew and the other is "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter. Reading those and others that may catch your interest will go a long ways toward helping you understand the problems you and he face.

I wish I had more encouraging words to share with you, but it is possible for recovery to happen. I hope that is the case with him.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#248202 - 09/05/08 12:50 AM Re: New & Need advice [Re: WalkingSouth]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi CL and welcome, although like John, I'm sorry you have a need for us.

Minimizing the abuse is something that many men do. It was a big deal, although for your b/f to look at it that way would probably leave him open to feelings he's not prepared to deal with. In his mind, it's better to think of it as just "something that happened" but nothing to make a federal case over. It's not likely that the adult man wants to see himself as not being able to take care of himself, even if he was only ___(fill in the age). That first realization is a whopper.

I wouldn't try to bring it up again, although I know how hard that is. If he mentioned it once, it's likely he will again. He was probably testing you to see your reaction and whether it was one he could deal with or not. Keep being the same girlfriend he trusted enough to tell in the first place.

May I ask how long you've been together?

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#248312 - 09/06/08 01:50 AM Re: New & Need advice [Re: CL]
2kidsmom Offline

Registered: 08/25/08
Posts: 5

I just had the same thing happen a week ago. Be prepared for more revelations maybe...I thought my bf seemed pretty together and he said he was good...last night he dropped the other shoe (which I sort of thought was hanging out there based on little other things he had said off an on)...he is still in therapy due to issues stemming from abuse which include addiction to porn, a subsequent bankruptcy and 2 suicide attempts. None of which I can speak to anyone about to help me deal with this info overload because I would not want to break his confidence. He is afraid I will run...if it were my girlfriend asking for advice I would probably say RUN but I know him well enought to like him ALOT and think that he is past most of this other stuff...I hope...ugh, I am so sorry for you. We both are stuck dealing with the emotional overload, wanting to help, not wanting to say the wrong thing (which I absolutely did at one point last night and almost cried after saying it since it just slipped out) and not having anyone to talk to...but we found here so hoping it helps...


#248391 - 09/06/08 09:18 PM Re: New & Need advice [Re: 2kidsmom]
CL Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 2

Thanks for your posts, it is a great comfort knowing that there are people that I can lean on. To answer your question Trish, we have been together for just over 2 years. It has been a tough 2 years though with many ups and downs and when he said it to me it made some things make sense.. he is very uncomfortable with affection and intimacy, which has been very difficult for me because I am a very touchy person and need the affection, so of course it started arguements and thought it was ME and took it all personally. He did tell me before that his father was very hard on him and abused his mother, he told me because he started to treat me (never physical but more his tone and how easily he got mad at stuff) that I told him that he better check himself b/c I will not put up with it and so he told me about his parents relationship and how hard his dad was on him. I also have gotten upset with him because of the way he talks to his mother, so disrespectful. I never understood any of it and it has been the cause of all of our arguements. it was more difficult for him to tell me about his parents abusive relationship than it was for him to tell about his own experience.????? I just don't understand. My reaction to him telling me about the sexual abuse , I cried. I couldn't help it. It's been a few days and he hasn't said another word and I can't stop thinking about it.

#248396 - 09/06/08 11:00 PM Re: New & Need advice [Re: CL]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
funny how we've got a Survivor who is a pro at not thinking about it, and a partner who is in absolute shock.

Just thought I'd point it out

stay strong



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