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#248210 - 09/04/08 09:10 PM I don't know where I am at
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
Hey everyone,

I am pretty darn torn up right now about my sexuality and life as a whole. I started seeing this girl not too long ago and when we made things official I started to feel very vulnerable to say the least. I thought I could do it but the voice in me kept echoing I am gay or homosexual whatever. I up to this point have listened to this voice and discussed this with my T and parents who have been nothing but supportive. My feelings grew stronger and so I told my best friend and this girl that I was having thoughts about being gay and I could no longer see her. She was shocked because we had been friends for some time now and we even attempted dating on more than one occasion. Things were very sedated the next day as usual and that safety feeling came over me. I then went about my merry daily life.

Sometime after I started feeling better and this girl asked me to hang out which was fine. I decided to make a move and one thing led to another that night. I expressed my fears and confusion, informed her about my feelings and I was fine. The next day which by this time was yesterday that old feeling and voice welled up inside me and now I feel very emotional and uncertain of where I stand with my sexuality. She of course does not quite understand all of these struggles but hell who does. So where am I with my sexuality? I acted on feelings of attraction and arousal but yet I feel this way now. Yeah I can say that I am attracted to the same sex on occasions but it comes and goes just as much as with the opposite sex. I will say this for the last little while I have been afraid of female genitals for whatever reason. If I seek out a same sex partner which I am not sure I want anyway will the same feelings occur?

Do I want a relationship at all? These are all questions I don't know how to answer myself. I understand that labels don't fit but I want a sexual identity that fits. I don't know what that is but when I start something other than purely sexual I get this feeling of fear and all I can think of is retreating or saying I am gay or whatever else I conjure up. Am I in denial about all this? Am I misguiding my sexual feelings?

Every way to relate feelings seems to be linked to sex for me somehow. There has to be a sexual component to everything I do. I see people as sexual beings only at times. I feel this sensation in me, a yearning to cry out. Tears will form in my eyes but stay buried. I don't know anymore man I just don't. Sexual orientation and sexual abuse symptoms are not the same. How do you associate an identity when you feel paralyzed after you act on feelings?

I am the warrior.

#248230 - 09/05/08 12:14 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Letourski,

I definitely empathize with you. I'm sort of in the opposite situation. I came out in college. I struggled with madness, social skills, eating disorders and faced many disappointments in love. The men I was drawn to were generally older, unstable and controlling. Yet, I felt demeaned being with any man at all.

Awhile ago, I developed my first crush on a girl. I thought about her as often as I've ever thought about any man. And, like you, I'm utterly confused. I'm nervous about being with a woman sexually. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I've never enjoyed sex with men.

My sexuality has also caused me a lot of torment. The only advice I can offer you is not to feel pressured to define yourself. The world isn't as black and white about homosexuality as society would have us to believe. I'm sure you've seen men who are extremely effeminate, but who insist they are straight, and will be straight for the rest of their lives. There are "straight" men who've experimented with other men. There are gay men who've later gotten married to women and had kids. There are all different kinds, and none should be judged.

Don't let your insecurities paralyze you. Don't listen to the logic that if you're aroused by men, you have a responsibility not to date women. Your only responsibility is to yourself. What's true for others may not be true for you, especially considering the abuse you suffered.

Find your own path, whatever that may be. If you want to pursue a relationship with a woman, go for it. If you want to be with a man, don't think it means you have to be gay forever. I can easily see myself married, and never sleeping with a man again. I "came out" eight years ago, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want.

#248237 - 09/05/08 01:14 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio

Many of us have been there. I'm afraid that you may have problems with your basic desire:
Originally Posted By: Letourski
I want a sexual identity that fits

I don't think that is something we can choose and having it messed with by perpetration just isn't fair.

My first question to you would be have you every dated a guy and did you feel this way? Are there men you are attracted to? Would any of your friends go with you to a gay coffee house or introduce you to a gay friend. I guess my point is, is there anything else that is supporting the voice that is telling you that you are gay?

If the voice is only coming during or after physical intimacy and that is the only time you think you might be gay, then it very well could be rooted in a fear of intimacy, feeling unworthy of being sexually involved with anyone, feeling abusive for taking pleasure in the physical contact, etc.

If you are attracted to other guys, you may be bisexual or gay. You may need to test the waters to see if you really feel that way (and I'm not suggesting that you sleep with anyone, but just hang out and meet some gay men to see how you feel).

Bisexuality can be confusing, but sexuality isn't as concretely defined as you might like.

Maybe you can relate to my story and this will help.

For a long time after the abuse I tried to deny myself as a sexual being. Everyone else was, but I was screwed up so it was just easier that way. But, as you, I got to a point where I realized I couldn't go on with out human contact, craving affection to the point of crying myself to sleep some nights. As I began to open up, I found that I was attracted to anyone that I grew close enough to build a high level of trust. This is after knowing I was gay from a very young age. I think I stubbed my toe on every sexuality stumbling block on the way to rediscovering myself.

Don't pressure yourself. Don't expect an immediate, decisive decision. Just be open and honest with yourself and others and eventually it will feel right.

Hope that helps a bit.


#248246 - 09/05/08 07:13 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Letourski]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5793
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

i just wanted to note that sex is merely one aspect of a relationship that we have with a person.

a person is not their penis or vagina.

we ourselves were reduced to mere objects of sexual gratification, perhaps indicating for us that sex is meant to be separate from relationship 'with', rather than 'to' someone.

if you want to build your relationship 'with' another person, does is really matter for you which plumbing they have for sharing intimacy? skin is skin, and love and caring are expressed in the physical embrace.

that's all there is to it.

the bigger question is "how can i best 'love' this person"? what is it they need that only i can satisfy? how can i best honor them, show my support, care, dedication and committment to this person?

those are some good places to begin i believe,

good luck in your discovery of another,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC
  1. the past
  2. advocacy

#248698 - 09/08/08 07:53 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: Sans Logos]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 886
Loc: washington

I read somewhere that we are bisexual to a point, on sort of a sliding scale, with straight and gay at opposite ends.

I have gotten really spun out over this issue, really to no avail.

I see you have already gotten excellent advice, so I just wanted to share where I am at.

I went from: I don't know to-/-straight with a twist. (bi-sex tendencies).

My point is, (I feel), WHO you enjoy being with is so much more important than focusing on sex. For me THAT part has taken care of itself.

Know peace,


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#248736 - 09/08/08 10:34 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: 1islandboy]
oneday Offline

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
i am new here, and i am soooooo glad to see i am not the only one who goes through this.
here's my version;
i was sexually molested by my mother from about age 3 to 10.
(also physicaly and emotionaly well into my teens)
at about age 4 i started to crossdress and i thought i was a girl, or at least wanted to be one. but i was always atracted to males and females. in my 20's i even started to take street hormones to change my appearance even more. but i never wanted srs. as i got older i got into the world of bdsm,leather,latex,
etc and was hanging out where pre-op/non-op transexual prostitutes would gather. thats how deep into that whole world i had fallen. a completly over sexualized world of drugs,sex,and very dangerous behavior to escape the terrible pain i was in.
to this day (and more on topic!) i am still attracted to men and women that are very femme. genitailia does not seem to matter.
so i identify as bi-sexual/queer. i wrestle with the memories of my abuse alot , but not so much with my sexual orientation.
i figure we live in a pan-sexual world (jerry fallwell be dammed!) and i am just one of the many,many shades between pink and blue.

#252281 - 10/01/08 03:54 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: oneday]
dusty42 Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.

Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:30 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

#252293 - 10/01/08 07:12 AM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio

I've posted else where on this, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

CSA screws with your sexuality. Think of it as a giant knot that you have to tease out where your personal identity, sexual identity, self-esteem, etc. are all tied up with the way the perpetrator made you feel about yourself, made you feel about your sexuality, etc. Over time, you'll be able to tease the pieces apart and identify them.

So for now, understand that this dream may be your real feelings, this dream may be an acting out because of your CSA, or it could simply be an urge you re-enacting your CSA.

Trying to sort out your sexuality at this moment may be difficult. You may need to do some sorting and healing in other areas to gain clarity on your sexuality.

Hope this helps you Dusty... Peace and love...


#252376 - 10/01/08 01:35 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: M3]
dusty42 Offline

Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.

Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:29 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

#252377 - 10/01/08 01:39 PM Re: I don't know where I am at [Re: dusty42]
sunwolf Offline

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Keep on in your jouney...its hard but at the end rewarding...I been through a lot fo your stuff I tihnk as alot have is with whom i feel more confy being with...time will tell the rest

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