I know from walking this long journey that the road can be completely unpredictable, frightening and dark. I know that there are times hanging on offers only rope burn to both hands. I am here to say that if both people in the relationship want the same thing, to stay together, then it can work. The key however is BOTH people making an effort and working towards better.
CSA is a heart wrenching thing for the male survivor to face, but it is not impossible for them to find a renewed sense of self, to realize the many blessings they have in the people around them and to come out of this thing on a much better level of understanding.
I have been avoiding this forum for a while now. I am done trying to figure out "why" my husband does this or "why" he does that. Life is too short and I have come to the conclusion it is up to him to figure it all out for himself.
What I do care about is how he treats me and how he treats our kids. Abuse or no abuse it must be consistent and he must be held accountable as we all need to be held accountable for our behavior. Period.
He has made some great strides over the past couple of years and so have I. We have walked the path hand in hand, taking different trails at times but in the end, our hands always connected once again and we continued forward united. It's all a process, this whole experience.
To me sitting back and reading about csa, analysing his every move felt like I was chasing my tail. The reality was, "it is what it is and we are who we are." It's a matter of self-acceptance, acceptance of each other, a shared appreciation and the ability to let go and allow him to take responsibility for himself and his own journey to heal. (at his own pace for healing)
I read an interesting article a few months back written by a head trauma survivor who was struggling with memory loss. He said, "I thought if I worked really hard, God would let me be "normal" again. It took a long time to accept that I am not like other people, but I am normal for my circumstances."
This pretty much can apply to just about everyone of us here, survivor, friends & family of survivors. I too thought if I worked very hard that I could somehow fix this too. I applied this to my relationship with D and in the end I realized that where we are is normal for us.
A lot has happened over the past two years that I would never wish on my worse enemy but the main thing, the most important thing is that the love I feel for my husband has grown and I feel as if we have finally arrived at a much better place.
I just wanted to share what I see as positive strides forward because it is apparent that if a couple stands together, nothing in the past, present or future can possibly have any effect unless of course we choose to let it. I believe the key however is both people must want the same thing...to come through this thing together then give it all to make that happen.
(Thanks D for your hard work and determination. You are a remarkable man.)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."