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#247828 - 09/02/08 12:12 PM I think I'm finally done
LittleMiss Offline

Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Well guys - I think I might finally be done. As most of you know, on my other posting "He is someone else", I went away for the weekend. On Friday, I had a mutual friend of my husband's and mine come to my work to pick up my car to be cleaned. This friend used to worked with my husband for 2 years and his son mows our grass. I asked him if he had talked to my husband (because my husband said that he had talked to this guy and he said "sorry to hear about the divorce" but that is all).

So this guy says, "Yeah - I talked to him. What the hell is wrong with him?!?! I talked to him for a half hour and he's not 'there' anymore." He waved his hand infront of his face. "****'s not in there anymore. I don't know who I was talking to, but it wasn't him."

Thank GOD!! Finally, he has talked to someone we know mutually and they have seen it too. He asked me if I thought my husband was on drugs. I don't think so, but I guess it is possible - some of the guys he knows now do drugs. Then he asked me if I thought he was seeing anyone. I said yes - the tramp (mentioned on the other posting). Then this guy says "Oh - I thought he was seeing N****** from his work." Ummmm....what??!

So, I did a bad thing. I went into my husband's email and sure-freaking-enough, there was a big long email from this N****** from his work all about the ruff month "they've" had and how she just knew there was more he wanted to tell her on the phone last night and how she knew it took her a while to get out of her relationship with her boyfriend, but she hoped that now that she was out - my husband would think 'better late than never' and still pursue the relationship with her that he wanted. And on and on.

So - I called my husband and mentioned talking to the friend and how he was worried about him. My husband just blew it off like no big deal. Then I asked who N**** was. He just blew that off as well. I said that the friend kinda thought that maybe my husband was seeing her. To which my husband gave me a big long reply about how ridiculous that is and how he barely knows this girl and she has a boyfriend & baby, and how he has never even talked to her on the phone, or email, or anything.

It used to be that when my husband spoke - I got stars in my eyes and I believed whatever he told me. Not this time. This time I was holding the email and I KNEW he was LYING. AND HE DID IT SOOOOOO WELL. It was scary how well. So I said - you are lying, I read your email.

Then he turned into a crazy person and started cussing me and saying that we were "done". That I was the only person he had ever trusted and I had betrayed that trust. I BETRAYED HIS TRUST. I AM THE BAD GUY. wow. He said that he had been trying to be my friend, but not now - that we would never be friends (, I would agree with that). And on and on and on about how I am the bad one and he is not.

So I went to see some old friends out of town this weekend. My husband calls me Saturday morning to "make sure I'm ok". He kinda acted like nothing happened. Then he started asking me if any of the guys there were 'putting the moves on me' or if I was hitting on them. Was I sleeping with any of them?? He didn't want to bother me while I was having my "good time".

And that is the last time I talked to him. Saturday at 11:30. 7 years and I have been with him every single day. Now I haven't spoke to him in 2. He is just someone else now. Plus, like I described in my other post - about him turning everything on me and screaming and hitting himself like a crazy person. What if he hits me? He is really scaring me now - he just LIED so WELL. I just couldn't believe it.

He has spiralled completely out of control in 3 months time.

I just can't be his friend anymore. I can't see him because it hurts so much. I gave him EVERYTHING in me for 7 years. I gave him EVERYTHING. I tried to PROVE to him that people love you unconditionally, that there are good people. And he just walked away from me like I am NOTHING. And now finally he can blame me for something - because I got in his email - it proved to him that he should never have trusted anyone - that I betrayed him just like everyone does. That I am bad and now he has the reason he was looking for to turn away from me. He made everything seem like it was my fault.

But by him doing that - it finally made me cut the cord. He is drowning and pulling me down too (someone on this site told me that).

Edited by LittleMiss (09/02/08 12:20 PM)

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

#247840 - 09/02/08 01:31 PM Re: I think I'm finally done [Re: LittleMiss]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear LittleMiss:

((((LittleMiss)))) It hurts, I can feel your agony in this posting. Take a deep breath, okay? There comes a point in life where everything appears to be at it's darkest but if you can just hold on, in the distance you'll see an ember, if you look even closer and follow it, you'll feel a sense of direction. Right now everything seems impossible, confusing actually especaily in the wake of who your husband has become to you. Remember this, although he is not who he appeared to be in all of the lies he has told you, you are still the same person within. There was a very important lesson I learned during the course of this experience. The only person I can ever trust and rely on is me...the same holds true for everyone.

If you can manage to cut that painful as it may be to accomplish, I suspect you will feel a great relief in that. All of his issues will be returned to him to sort out for himself...or deny to his choosing but the end result is that he will no longer be dragging you down with him.

There comes a point in life to where we all must take responsibility for ourselves and our own paths to enlightenment. The way I see it, today is a perfect opportunity to take that path forward.

I am sorry for your pain LittleMiss. We all desire a happy life with a loving person to share it with. Adding CSA issues to the equation makes it that much more difficult, but the bottom line is that it is impossible to be in a relationship if you are the only person willing to consider the other person's needs...or if you are the only person willing to extend respect and consideration. You deserve so much better LittleMiss. Maybe someday your husband will realize just what he is tossing away, but then again, maybe not but that is the outcome from his choices.

Be strong....


"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#247894 - 09/02/08 06:46 PM Re: I think I'm finally done [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Little Miss,

I am sorry to hear of your H's behavior, but it makes me more certain that you ought to read info on the web about responding to or dealing with narcissism/narcissists. That is totally what they do, tweist things around to make you the bad guy so they can justify THEIR bad behavior. The articles on narcissism call it "crazy making." If you respond quietly and rationally (after all, you ARE the rational one) then he will be left alone w/ his own anger/ridiculousness and evntually he will learn he cannot trick you anymore and may decide to 'give up his game.'

My T is having me read "Why is it Always about You?" a superb book on N -- even explains how it comes about from the parenting our H's had, and how to deal w/ it...

Imagine a little disobedient kid who can't get his mom's attention. So he starts doing all sorts of bad things, temper tantrums, whatever, any bad behavior b/c it gets her attention better. He learns this gets results. Living with out N H's is so much like parenting a little disobedient kid; you have to put brakes/conditions on his behavior while being gentle and not overshaming at the same time........very tricky stuff but learnable. Eventually they might just grow up.

Until then, doesn't matter. At least after you read about N you further realize this has nothing to do w/you, that our H's are very unhappy people and not at all b/c of us. They are empty and afraid and confused and so on. Some are self-sabotagers who destroy everything good in their lives.

I know I'll be ok whether we make it or not. We've been married 16 yrs and have a 5-yr-old daughter. And still I know everything will be all right and fine, for me anyway. He, if we split, will go on without any stability in his life and God knows what will happen next.

Hug yourself,


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#248122 - 09/04/08 12:22 PM Re: I think I'm finally done [Re: Brokenhearted]
LittleMiss Offline

Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
He called me last night. He SWEARS nothing has ever happened and he has never cheated on me. I asked him if he was on drugs and he said that was ridiculous. Last night he was so sad and depressed. It breaks my heart. He said he knew he was going crazy. He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head of all the things that had happened to him. I begged him to get some help, but he still refuses. He said no one can help him or make him "forget". I just don't know what to tell him. My hearts is breaking for him.

Plus, my neighbor told me that he doesn't stay the night at the house very often, so I took the dog finally to my apartment. I was too worried about him being alone. The neighbor also told me that she saw my husband at the house sometimes with another woman since early summer. I didn't move out until mid-August.

I didn't tell him she told me that. He already had a big explaination worked up for the email and how I had misinterpretted all of it. I want SO bad to believe him. He said his father was a cheater and he hated his father. He said that he had tried so hard to live the good life with me, but just couldn't anymore. He said I was better off without him.


The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.


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