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#248003 - 09/03/08 01:37 PM Reeling.....
Rachael Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Qld Australia
This afternoon we were lying together holding each other on the couch it was so calm and peaceful, just like its always been.He had not been sleeping and his issues were tearing his brain apart, I just wished I could take away all his pain. I love this man so deeply. Ive been there for him with every tear and nightmare for almost 2 years. Before he left for his therapists appt he said he was sorry that his abuser was doing this to us.

I had struggled but made it through the announcement that he thought he was a woman and womens clothing began to fill our wardrobes and appts to a gender specialist were made and had. I made it through the deciding that he was actually a man, no a woman no a man. I learned to understand that his short answers were not deception but a history of not being able to share himself or telling the whole truth. That his love of anal sex was not as a result of his abuse even when he bought a ballgag and handcuffs for himself to wear. That his hiding a voice recorder to 'catch me cheating' when I told him my ex was coming over to talk about our sons, was an accident until he realised his lies about it being an accident were just too unbelievable and I still tried to understand and forgive him. Yesterday he even said he knew we were soulmates and meant to be together.

He had gone away for a business trip a couple of weeks ago he hates his job and the people he works with. He has been so stressed about work and was making plans to go out on his own, I thought we were through the worst of trying to cope with the triggers and torments and outright craziness.He gave me a card before he left that said our love will get us through good and bad forever.

He came home and said he wasnt happy. He said he needed time away from me because I was unpredictable and I with only love and hope let him come and go, cry and cry on my shoulder and tell me how sorry he was that "HE" was doing this to us. He told me he was staying at his fathers. That he had been distant from his father and felt it was time to change that.

He was hanging out for his shrinks appt so she could tell him what to do. It felt like whatever she said about us would be the law. He promised to call me and let me know he was ok and if he was coming back. He sent me a text instead. This man who 2 weeks ago loved me forever. Said quote ' Please dont be angry with me sweetheart. I need to spend some time getting over the session tonight and thinking about who I am. Im so sorry. Thank you for this afternoon. X"

Then my phone rings and its my eldest son. He said mum Ive seen a few times at this place, and so have some other ppl and I think you should know. This place was a suburb away, not 70 kilometers away where his father is. I didnt want to believe my son. Something was eating at my tummy though and I had to see for myself. I collected my son and he directed me to the house and sure enough his 2 of which the day before he told me was at the mechanics..were there. I pulled up behind one and tried to control my shaking. I didnt know what to do.

I eventually got out of the car and walked up to the door of a house and knocked. A gay 20something boy answered and I asked to speak to S...He freaked. He looked behind him and there were 2 women standing there. He asked who I was and I calmly said I was S.. fiancee. They all looked to a room I couldnt see behind the wall of and I raised my voice and said should maybe come out here and tell me whats going on.

He walked around the corner and didnt look the slightest bit upset from the traumatic therapy session he had supposedly just had. He didnt look like someone I knew at all. I turned and walked back to the car and he followed slowly. By now I was just angry and hurt and wanting to run away. I told him I hope he dies slowly.

I drove off, dropped my son home, tried to stay in control cause I was driving, and got home and proceeded to rip through the drawers and throw all those womens clothing out in the front yard. All the lingerie he had bought himself, all the high heel shoes all of it and it made a huge pile. I walked back into the bedroom and ripped the photos of us off the wall and through them out there too, I saw his huge massive dildo on the floor of his cupboard, this disgusting thing he had bought and used on himself and would never had told me had I not found it. I threw it out on top of the pile.

I called a 24 hour locksmith. They will be here in the morning to put new locks on the door. He called. He didnt say anything. I said who are you!? where is the man that was sleeping on my shoulder 3 hours ago, the man that was crying with shame for all the pain he was causing me? I told him his shit was on my lawn and he better remove it. He showed up and then drove off again. Then came back.

I opened the door, and I hadnt stopped crying since my son got out of the car, and asked him what was happening, who were those people, who are you? He was just standing there. He looked angry at ME. He said they were just people he worked with..the same monsters who were making his work life hell?...He said he needed to get more stuff so he came inside. He was sooo cold and a total stranger, I just couldnt understand why he had lied again, why he was doing this, I kept asking what did I do so wrong to you? What did I do to deserve this? He said I pushed him away a long time ago. He said he was sorry. He didnt sound sorry. He didnt look like the man I knew at all.

I asked him to leave. I was just such a crying mess that I haha didnt want him to see me like that. Told him I was changing the locks and there will be no more coming and going when he pleased. THis is my house. I bought it before he moved in and moved all his furniture and stuff in and mine out cause his was better. When he packs and goes there will be nothing left in this house. I will have to start all over I dont even own a fridge or mattress.

So sorry this is so long. I need to get this out of my head because it just seems so insane. He says I am the one who pushed him away when I did all I could to show him that I loved him no matter what I forgave so many lies and deceit. We did have some horrible fights in the past and did equally say cruel things to each other but I thought our deep bond was only growing stronger. I think I am in shock. I cant stop crying. I didnt see this coming at all. My boys love him. I have to tell them he is gone tomorrow. It will break my youngest sons heart.

I am so totally reeling. I wish it WAS a nightmare. How do I get through this?

I hit edit to delete all of it but I know he wont come here and read it because he has said a few times that he is not like the men here that dwell and wallow in their abuse.

Edited by Rachael (09/03/08 01:43 PM)

#248005 - 09/03/08 02:54 PM Re: Reeling..... [Re: Rachael]
Rohdeo Offline

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Australia
Rachael, take comfort in knowing you did all you could. It takes a great deal of effort to make any relationship successful, let alone a relationship with a CSA survivor. As a survivor of CSA I also know first hand the pain and distress I have caused my wife over the years as a result of issues stemming from the abuse. I humbly beg her forgiveness and I am eternally grateful for the grace she shows in putting up with me.

However, I would never expect her to put up with me if I showed disrespect by lying or taking her kindness for granted. Neither should you and I feel that you have bent over backwards for your former partner and you should feel no shame.

I am amazed at the tolerance and understanding you showed your former partner in your posts. I wish you all the very best in your future and should you find another partner, I pray that it is someone who truly deserves and respects you.

Take heart, there are friends here on MS thinking of you.
Regards from cold Victoria!

Edited by Rohdeo (09/03/08 02:54 PM)

#248011 - 09/03/08 03:27 PM Re: Reeling..... [Re: Rohdeo]
Supporter1 Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Rachel, in answer to how you might "get through this", I offer the following.

One way to come to terms with betrayal is to understand that you are not responsible for another's choice to abuse your trust and engage in deceipt. You've shown yourself to be a loving, giving person. Would you choose to be otherwise? I doubt it.

Loving people, in my opinion, should celebrate being that way even when it causes us pain...maybe especially when it causes us pain. If we allow hurtful people to shut our loving natures down, we loose the better part of ourselves and their selfishness deprives the world of yet another measure of goodwill.

Another way to help yourself get through this hurtful time is to cherish the insights and lessons it has afforded you. It sounds like you learned a great deal about survivors and their struggles, you learned a great deal about yourself and how far you are willing to sacrifice for loving someone, you learned something of unconditional love. These are important insights; though I admit you had to pay a high price for them.

Use the insights you gained (at such a cost) to help others who may be facing similar painful experiences. In that way, you might be able to take solace from knowing that the time you spent with S will have some positive outcome for you and many others.

And finally, take some time for you - to reflect on your personal motiviations for being there for S. It sounds strange, but looking at why we choose the relationships we do can be a very liberating experience.

You've demonstrated you have strength and sensitivity. Rely on those admirable qualities and be good to yourself.


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