at your core, you are a good person. keep reminding yourself that. as far as trying not to think of the memories, that is like trying hold back a hurricane. keep on talking about it till all runs dry, and in the meantime, please try not to be too hard on yourself. you have enough suffering to deal with already. you're only human and you have the right to feel the way you do. at some point, and in your own time, you will move to the next stage of recovery. this process cannot be rushed. honor your process, and in the meantime, don't get too caught up in the thought patterns that your angry and sad feelings are manifesting at this time.
wishing you well,
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC