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#247450 - 08/30/08 06:17 PM Back, but not sure
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I left this site a week ago. I said at the time it had nothing to do with anything or anyone related to this place.

I have come back because for many reasons. My T, who thinks it is a good ideaa. My sponsor who thinks it's a good idea. And some people here that sent me messages privately expressing how much they cared and appreciated me.

I came back about an hour ago from a funeral. As some here know, I am active in SIA. I have been a sponsor to a few people there for the last couple of years.

Last Saturday, one of the people I sponsored killed himself. Beyond the grief of losing someone I had shared so much intimately with was my feeling of guilt. That I should have seen this coming. That I should have done something. That I should have been a better sponsor. I could go on and on.

I couldn't reach either my sponsor or my T. Both were out of town. So I came here and found someone I knew in the chatroom. I guess I sounded pretty crazy, but Barkabus stayed with me until I had to go. I want to publicly thank him for his kindness and understanding. I was going out of my mind and he at least kept me from totally losing it all.

We buried Steven this morning.

His father had asked for my help in the arrangements and to give a eulogy. I cannot tell you how difficult the last few days have been. I am still hurting so very, very badly. But it is better than it was.

I have been in daily, sometimes more, contact with both my sponsor and my T. I am doing what I should be. And, in the end, I will come out of this.

I haven't written this to elicit sympathy. I have written it because I want everyone to know how easy it can be for someone who has been through what we have been through to give up.

My biggest mistake with Steven was not pushing him harder toward therapy. Because I am not a professional and nor are the people I know and he knew. I believe in my heart that if he had gotten into therapy, that this would not have happened. Because I know from experience that you can talk to a therapist about the things you will share with no one else. And just maybe something that will give your life hope when it is revealed.

I hope, for anyone here who feels so lost and alone, even with people around them daily, that you will get into therapy. Do it for you and your future. It won't always be so dark. This I promise.

Thank you for your patience in reading this and thank you for just being here.

Paul Grobaty

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#247451 - 08/30/08 06:26 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: Tinman]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809

Let me be the first to welcome you back. We have missed you. I am deeply sorry for the tragic loss of Steven and for the tremendous grief that you and Steven's family are going through. I hope you continue to find help and support here. We'll continue to be with you brother. Whatever it takes.

God bless you.


My Story

#247452 - 08/30/08 06:28 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: Tinman]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Paul, it's good to see you back. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend, I know it must hurt deeply. But please do try not to place any blame for that on yourself. You were there for him in many ways, and we all do what we can, when we can. Take good care of yourself, you are a good man.


#247454 - 08/30/08 06:31 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: Barkabus]
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491

Since Mike beat me to it, let me be the second to welcome you back.

What you have been through is a very terrible thing, so much loss and so much terrible emotions. I am very glad that you are in such good contact with your sponsor and therapist, and also that you have decide to return here.

Please know, though, that you could not 'push' him more to therapy. Really, no one can do that for any of us, and very often when we are 'pushed' to do something, we resist and rebell and end up doing the opposite. As you say, you are not a professional, you were there for him as a friend and menter, but you can not push someone to do something, even if you feel it is for their best interest. You can suggest it, you can be an example of what have work for you, but in the end, everyone will make their own decisions. Sometime, it is very sad to say, that decision will be one to not survive it. It is very sad, it is very tragic, but it is not at all the fault or guilt of any good person who has tried to help that person. That decision is theirs only.

I hope that we all can be good support to you as you are processing all of this and the feelings of it. My thoughts to you.


#247455 - 08/30/08 06:32 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: Tinman]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome back, Paul. Sorry to hear about your friend. It is really tough when someone that we had high hopes for does something so negative and final. Questioning what we did wrong or could have done differently is a normal part of the recovery process. You certainly have my sympathy.

Heal well, my friend,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#247474 - 08/30/08 08:15 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: Trucker51]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Welcome back.
Was so glad to see your post.
Hope you are feeling better.
Sorry for your loss.

To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#247553 - 08/31/08 05:35 AM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: michael banks]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Paul, I can only imagine how hard this must have been. I think you should be careful about blaming yourself. I believe that suicide is never anyone's fault. We can try to prevent it but can not always succeed and it's tragic as hell, but no one should ever live with a burden of feeling that if only they had done something different someone would not have killed themself.

Carry too much of that around and you might start getting suicidal too! Anyway, glad to have you back and much sympathy for what you are going through!

My Story
My Art

#247558 - 08/31/08 10:43 AM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: blueshift]
kutcher Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware

Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope.


#247562 - 08/31/08 12:43 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: kutcher]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Welcome back Paul.
We all need all the help that we can muster, and I've found it here.

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#247721 - 09/01/08 06:23 PM Re: Back, but not sure [Re: petercorbett]
LN3(SS) Offline

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD

Welcome back. Suicide of someone you know is such a painful thing. Stay strong and stick around.


"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)


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