One thought that's caused me a lot of hurt, is that the physically closest I've ever been to anyone was during my abuse. That I've been fondled, forced to touch girls, and effectively gang raped, but never kissed. that I was told on a dayly basis "do you want to F--k me" but I've never had someone tell me they loved me.
Recently though, something else which was said to me has had more significance.
during the abuse, one thing that was said to me was "do you like me?"
I'm trying to understand why i find this so hurtful. Is this all someone can get from me?
I know that other people have a closeness and feeling for each other which is very different. I've got friends, ---- friends I'm emotionally close to who've described the way they feel about their Bf's/Gf's, and I know it's something different. i know the way I've felt about the girls I've fallen for has been different, ---- but is this, is abuse what it means for someone to like me?
this was all sparked by a really horrific nightmare I had two weeks ago, which repeated itself last night. As people will know from reading my topic in F&F, I've Re-met someone I first met three years ago who my parents said was deffinately interested in me.
In the nightmare, we started off just sitting and holding hands, ---- as I've always wanted to. Then suddenly she was trying to pull down my trousers and grab my thing, and I absolutely froze, flashing strreight back to my mind state during the abuse.
What's wrong with me?
the girls involved in my abuse certainly weren't friends, we rarely spoke, in fact as I've said, it was just an instance of school bullying gone too far. However my body reacted to being touched, my mind was chill and screaming!
so why do I have this association?