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#246753 - 08/27/08 03:47 PM what do you guys think?
jf Offline

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 54
hey guys,

i'm looking for a little input on the decisions that i'm making right now.

i returned home at the beginning of august from backpacking through europe for the past 2 months. while i was there i was having a great time. i felt like i learned a lot about myself. being away from home, from the places that i've been abused, from the people that abused me and the repercussions of the abuse was great. i was free to be myself and not a person living a life of constant reminders of the abuse.

so being home again is tough. so i've made the decision to pack up and move to the other side of the world. i'm really looking forward to it even though i know i'm going to be lonely at first. but i feel really bad about it too because i'm leaving all of my family and my friends who care behind. they don't really understand it and most of them are fairly angry with me for making the decision.

i also feel really bad about how i interact with the people that care about me the most. i find it hard to be around them. i don't know why but when i'm home i really just try to stay away from my family and hide out in my room. they don't understand it and are becoming increasingly angry at me for it. it's all starting to compound.

i've realized since i've been home just how much my perception of people has changed over the past year. i'm trying really hard to be able to trust people again an regain my faith in humanity but i don't really know how to go about it especially with all these constant reminders of the dark capabilities of people. does anybody have any experience with this and are able to help me?

i guess i'm just really confused right now. any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated.

thanks again guys,


#246758 - 08/27/08 03:55 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: jf]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Well, I really don't know but it sounds like the distance from the places--maybe people- that remind you of the abuse has given you some of the slack you need to really work on your recovery. I guess I should talk, I'm still in the same town I got raped in four years ago, but I do see how a person could be in a much better position to heal if there are not constant reminders in the person's environment.

My Story
My Art

#246763 - 08/27/08 04:35 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: jf]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
It's perfectly understandable that you felt relief and freedom while away- one of the best things about traveling (especially in foreign countries) is that it gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself- sure, you might make friends, but they're all new friends, and you're really left alone with your own thought at the end of the day. Having said that, i'll tell you from my time in the Merchant Marine and being overseas (or at sea) for up to 8 months at a time, the novelty and excitement eventually wore off, and i found myself simply worn out from adjusting for cultural differences and mores, and missing trivial things like a cheeseburger platter and chocolate malted from a diner, etc. I only say this because you mentioned "halfway around the world", and you may want to at least consider moving somewhere far enough away so that you don't feel haunted by reminders, but aren't slowly driven bonkers through alienation. Also, "no matter where you go, there you are". Just something to think about.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#246764 - 08/27/08 04:40 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: jf]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
j or "if"

I was in the Peace Corps for 2 years and taught school after I graduated from college. I was in a distant and impoverished country. Being there I was not subjected to a constant stream of triggers as I was in USA. This allowed some growth and healing. It gave me fresh perspective on myself and my past. I was in a strange and foreign land with a means of support (adequate but not plush). I was helping others so I wasn't focused on myself as much. People at home weren't worried about me because everything was above board.

But, there were some times of desperate loneliness as I hadn't learned how to make friends very well. Relating to people becomes more difficult in a strange culture. Emotional isolation had been a product of CSA for me.

So there you have it. The good and bad of my foreign living experience. Some guys are able to do it alone, but watch out. Conditions are actually more raw and difficult in most foreign countries.


#246766 - 08/27/08 05:16 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: pufferfish]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
I think the idea has validity - I just wonder if you aren't using an elephant gun to hunt a wasp. (I know - the older I get the more of these .... colorful little sayings show up...)

That is - why the other side of the world?

Why not the other side of the country?


I guess all I'm asking is - will it really take moving THAT FAR away from where you are now to gain the feelings of freedom and safety?

Just thinking out loud...


#246768 - 08/27/08 05:32 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I would make damn sure I was not running away.
Sounds to me you have unresolved issues here.
The only problem about geographic change is that where ever you go -- there you'll be (issues and all).


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#246771 - 08/27/08 05:49 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: jf]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

Just changing the geography might not change how you feel or help with your healing. Are you running away from your feelings and your healing? I 'ran away from home' about five years ago for a three week vacation to Europe (when the dollar was worth a Euro). I had been through a whole bunch of stuff in the previous year or so and I just wanted to not be 'here'. Well, when I got back I had a better perspective on my life but my life hadn't changed, I had.

Reminders of the abuse need to be dealt with; you don't want to be a 50 year old man like I was before I started dealing with all of the aftershocks that rippled through my life. With that being said, you need to deal with them in your own way, in your own time. Just ask yourself if you're going TO someplace else or going FROM somewhere else. Getting out of an unhealthy place doesn't necessarily mean a geographical change.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#247133 - 08/28/08 11:43 PM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: Stephen_5]
jf Offline

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 54
thanks a lot guys for your input!

i guess i should have probably described my situation a little better. i live in canada and i'm moving to australia for medical school (they're pretty comparable countries). i don't start until february but i'm leaving to head down in october.

i'm pretty sure i'm not running away from my healing. i think i've done a lot here in my province and i'm still continuing to do so. i think i'm starting to view this as not a step to my recovery but the next step of my life.

i'm actually really happy with the progress that i've made in all of this. i'm a completely different person then what i was. i'm learning more and more that i shouldn't be ashamed of myself for who i am. my thoughts, feelings, and actions are all normal for what i've been through in my life. i'm becoming more comfortable with who i am and am even learning to maintain my individuality and not bending myself just so i can make others happy.

could i keep living here? i probably could but i'd be placing myself in a place where there is potential for further abuse, and constant reminders of my past abuse. is it wrong for me to be ok with getting away from that? my reminders of the abuse aren't certain things... they're certain people who invasively bring my attention to what has happened. i guess what i'm saying that my problems living here aren't internal anymore they're external. does that make sense?

#247339 - 08/30/08 01:06 AM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: jf]
kutcher Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware

I understand your need and want to move away. I have to tell you my brother in law moved across the country, partially to escape his mother, or as I refer to her the worst person on the earth.

The distance helped in that he no longer felt bad when she called him to do her bidding because he is just to far away but the pain remains, the issues still come out and he still needs to seek the help he has avoided all those years. He accomplished some of what he wanted but he still asks my wife and I what to do and he does not understand why this is still troubling.

Move because you want to and it is exciting but I have seen the trouble follow you.

your friend


#247346 - 08/30/08 02:11 AM Re: what do you guys think? [Re: kutcher]
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I share Michaels concern. Are you running?

Isolation is absolute death for me. I have accountabity with men in my life who call me on it. So, when I hear that you are caved up in your room, I feel some fear.

Do you have a support network outside of this sight? Perhaps face to face? What are the suggestions and wisdom from them?


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