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#246467 - 08/25/08 03:41 PM like a knife in the heart...
silent_witness Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Wales - United Kingdom
After telling my mother about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my cousin - I now find out she thinks that I am lying and made it all up. She might as well have plunged a knife into my heart and twisted it - it wouldn't have hurt so much.

What make its worse is that she wasn't the one that told me that she doesn't believe me... and she acts 'normal' around me!!! I have never tried to blame her for not protecting me and not noticing the signs that I exhibited. As if I am not dealing with enough at the moment, and to find this out makes it harder. Who the **** does she think she is? She wasn't there for me then and I am not going to let her be here for me now... I am trying hard not to hate/blame the people who should have been there to help and protect me and in the long run, let me down, but I can't blame people for not seeing/knowing that something wasn't right. It has been nearly 22/23 years since the abuse stopped but the mental pain of it all is still as fresh as the first day it all started, and this just adds to it.

This whole nightmare is really causing me problems. I could just do with some support form the people who should be supporting me. My brother is becoming distant from me... and I feel like I have no-one to talk to... except myself. Which doesn't help as I seem to be going around in circles and don't like the advice that I am giving myself... I think it's the mental hospital for me next...

Sorry for rambling, but I honestly have no-one I can talk to. I have serious trust issues and I am afraid to tell people as no-one seems to understand - unlike you and the people on this site.

Gotta go, my head is hurting and I am starting to think a little too much.

Take care... and thanks for listening...

Silent Witness

#246471 - 08/25/08 03:59 PM Re: like a knife in the heart... [Re: silent_witness]
conflicted Offline

Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Greenville, SC

Disclosure can be a scary thing... especially if it is not received well... case in point. Sorry that you have experienced the ultimate pain... the abuse is bad enough, but to have the ones that we trust, dismiss our claims is even worse. When we get the courage to "finally tell" and the door is slammed in our face we have a tendency to chuck it all and hide... i found this recently on a post and have pasted it here for u. hope this helps some, although it will not take away your pain... realize that we are here with outstretched arms for you.

"...disclosure can go horribly wrong, especially when you disclose to a person you believe will be there for you and then they fail, but itís their failure, not yours. When a survivor discloses he opens the opportunity (1) for himself to begin or continue healing and (2) to educate the ignorant, but educatable person who loves and cares for him.

The pitfalls of disclosure are there, they should be discussed and prepared for. Yelling a disclosure from the mountain tops may not be a good idea, and posting it here on MS is not that, but continuing to suffer in silence definitely is NOT. I have shared my story here and have had overwhelming support... i hope that you can find the same... BUT DON'T WAIT!"[i][/i]

Edited by conflicted (08/25/08 04:00 PM)
Masquerades are a lot of fun, until you see it is really your life.

my story...finally out *triggers*

#246475 - 08/25/08 04:47 PM Re: like a knife in the heart... [Re: silent_witness]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I understand your feelings of betrayal.
When I was fourteen my mother ask me if my perp had done anything to me?
I told her yes. then she said OH! turn around,walk away and never said another word about it till the day she died.
I found out about fifteen years ago that my grandmother whom I was living with at the time when I was abused by my teacher.
Had called my parents because she had suspicion that something may have happen between my perp and I.
My father told her it would be better to just leave it alone.
When I heard this I was crushed emotionally because they had know done all those years and just abandoned me to my pain.

This is one of the main reason I have keep coming to this site.
For the most part I have come to terms with what my perp did to me.
I have resolved the guilt and shame that he inflicted on me because of his sick behaviors.

But the neglect and abandonment issues with my parents.
That is what I am trying to come to terms with the last few months.
It is extremely diffecult to address because my mother is dead and my father is in poor health.
Also most of my life I have tried to protect them instead of them protecting me.
I am coming to accept the fact that maybe they did the best that they knew how to at the time.
I am coming to terms with the hurt and anger that I felt towards them most of my life.

In recovery we have to accept and grieve the childhood that we lost at the hands of those who were supposed to protect us.

In my recovery I have learned that my family are not the people whom I can go to for help and support in process of healing.
For whatever reason they cannot accept or deal with what happen to me as a child.
For that I have had to find the help else where-12 steps meetings,counceling, and this site.

I do hear you and I understand what you are feeling.
Remember that you are not alone!!
We are here to help each other.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#246509 - 08/25/08 07:19 PM Re: like a knife in the heart... [Re: michael banks]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
For me, this site has made all the difference. Between suffering alone and feeling like one of many. Between feeling like no one gives a crap and feeling supported and encouraged. It doesn't fix least not over night, but it helps SO much just to come here and spill it.

My Story
My Art


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