well, I've finished at the buxton Gilbert and sullivan opera festival. Generally it was good, ---- though sinse I could only get net access in a pub I couldn't use this site as privately as I would've liked. just after the thing ended last Friday, i took a train (at literally five in the morning), to a doctor who convention, where I got to operate a dalek, get my photo's taken with various people, and have a rather long chat with Colin baker, aka the sixth doctor.

Now of course, I'm feeling slightly down, ----- but I expected that, sinse it's just adrenaline.

apart from saying hello to everyone here, and hoping that everyone did have a good summer, I did actually have a few thoughts.

firstly, I think I might have located my hole problem with getting close to anyone as more than a friend.

I don't know where the idea came from, but I remembered (or rather realized the significance), of one thing which was said to me by the girls involved in my abuse:

"do you like me?"

That one was pretty shocking. I also had a very nasty experience with a girl with the same local accent and smelling of smoke who resembled my abusers attempting to talk to, ---- and worse touch my hand, late at night (she was possibly drunk), my response was to literally turn round and leg it.

Despite these things though, i actually had a fairly good time, and much like last year was involved in a performance of Trial by Jury, playing edwin, the defendent.

Edwin is pretty much a scoundral and ladies man, and is actually beingput on trial for a breech of promise of mariage. So, the stage business required me to basically do a lot of hugging, holding hands and letting my head rest on the shoulder of just about every girl in the entire production. i even did all of my songs surrounded bythe entire female chorus.

the odd thing? I found myself not the least bit bothered, I was more concerned as to whether my top A would work or not. I realized that i was reguarding all the physical contact there simply as a job, as meaning nothing. I might as well have been hugging a pillo. yes, i could do it, but only by abstracting myself to such a level it didn't matter.

i then learnt something else important, ---- for me, physical affection with others is such a big deal because I'm not abstracted, because to me, it does! matter!

From this I wonder if my complete shut down during my abuse was actually as complete as i thought it was.

appologies for the wrant, and for coming back with questions, it's just these things occurred to me, and I've been wanting to get them off my chest.