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#246364 - 08/24/08 02:05 PM Why am I suddenly the MVP?
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
For the last couple years that my husband has been drinking I was the idiot he lived with. I was: controlling, always ruining a good time, manipulative, a real drag. Everyone else - they were golden. They were lots of fun and his company of choice.

Now comes disclosure day.....which was more like disclosure night where a big fight prompted me to press him HARD on just WTF his problem was. He told. OK.

So why.....oh why, am I now the Most Valuable Person......when for the last 3 years I have been minor leagues? I resent that he doesn't lean on his fun buddies.

#246366 - 08/24/08 02:21 PM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: sugarbaby]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
my H used to put his family and friends before me. If I had a problem with one of them he would ask me WHAT I DID to provoke something. It was ridiculous. I too was always the killjoy.

I felt the same way. After he told his family, they did not want to hear about it and they turned their backs, I was the only one left. I became much more important than I ever was before. It turned out to be the best thing for us, because the focus was now on him, me, us and our family.

He might not lean on his buddies because he is to embarrased to tell them or talk about it with them, do they know? Or are you the only one? If you are the only one rhen he bumped you up and told you for a reason, ask him why?


#246372 - 08/24/08 03:17 PM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: NY Daisy]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
He told 1 friend, who is very supportive but for other reasons they have not had much contact. He also told 1 brother, who was apparently very supportive but I haven't seen him call and check up on my husband so......

He is in therapy which is going well. Day to day though he leans on me and.......well, I resent that. When I had a series of deaths in my life he effectively abandoned me for his buddies.

I asked him why and he said "I don't know." I ask him why he leans on me and he says "I don't know."

I want to say "Go F*** yourself and lean on them", but I don't.

#246375 - 08/24/08 03:29 PM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I don't have a problem with what happened to him. I certainly wish it never happened, just as I do for anyone who has been abused. From what he told me, I'm amazed he lived through it.

I guess I just withdrew though, from the drinking. I retreated emotionally because of the pain it caused. Now, I can't just undo that, and to be quite honest, I don't want to. I don't trust him to change old patterns.

#246382 - 08/24/08 04:58 PM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: sugarbaby]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Everyone is suspect SB, friends are very safe, they don't know shit. A partner, well he/she is the one we can/need to know everything about us. Lot's of talk about how important they were/are, you know why they were so important? because they don't mean shit. Disclosure to them is irrelevant. Disclossure to the person who means the most is everything. Of course they were more important, Losing them didn't matter. Losing the most important person in our lives is everything.

Think of it this way, okay, I'm a fraud, someone one day will figure me out, they'll figure out my past and will recoil in horror and run away, how can I feel safe knowing that this will happen one day. I know I'll hang aroung with people, who if they leave me it wont mean shit. If I hang around with my wife, the person who means everything to me and she leaves, I'm absolutely finished.

You were never not #1 SB, you were always number 1. He was more afraid of you finding out his past than anyone. The friends and family that he held in such high regard are expendable, that's why he chose them. If it all came out then he could handle them leaving. He couldn't handle you leaving, that makes you number 1.

You're MVP because you were always MVP, it's out now, he's hoping that his friend's will still be there but he's hoping more than anything that you will still be there, because you're nnumber 1.

He pushed you away because if you won't accept him, being his number 1, then no one will accept him.

I see a huge jump, from hiding it too accepting his past, he's dying for his number 1 to accept it. He could give a flying fuck about what his friend's and family think. He only need's to know his #1 still acceptes him.

Big moment SB, he's fucked up in his thinking, but his thinking is all about you. You're man has been thinking only about you. Now it's out and his only thought's are will the person who mean's the most to me still accept me.

Big decision SB, has he gone too far and hurt you too much, or is this the turning point. The decision is your's.

Make the choice for you sugarbaby, you deserve what you need. You've been cursed with a survivor, the only question is "can you try and see it through or have you had enough. In the end us survivor's will understand if you can't go on. It's alot to take, but we hope that you will see us through.

Tough shit, SB, do what is right for you, you are as important as us. Make you're life what you need it to be. We could use another soldier in this fight but not at the expence of what you need.

You are a person, please don't give that up because someone is hurting.

I think it's a turning point for you're H, if you can see it through will be better, I promise

Were scared SB, you're husband is too, but he's taken that step off the cliff, who will be there to catch him. I hope somebody.

You were always #1 Sugarbaby, don't ever doubt that.

Stay strong


#246418 - 08/24/08 10:44 PM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: mogigo]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Thanks Mike!

He and I hashed out a lot of feelings today. I wish we had money for a weeks vacation alone to just sit and talk. So much in the last 15 years was not what it seemed and it is tough to talk things through while trying to do it on the sly so the kids don't hear.

I think the 2 things to turn this around will be if he can get past his drinking, and the rage. I can't live with those things. Everything else is fine.

I cannot believe that he has lived with this alone for so long.

He is the only man who ever set foot in the sexual abuse counseling place he goes to. That just blows my mind.

#246438 - 08/25/08 01:46 AM Re: Why am I suddenly the MVP? [Re: sugarbaby]
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sugarbaby, I envy you. My H disclosed many years ago, but I did not know the enormity of what he was telling me. I didn't know what to say, and we went on as usual.

Now after being married for about 16 yrs and I've read up on CSA and realize the impact it has had, I have been trying to get close to him. He still, after 2 yrs of me trying to get him to therapy and to discuss things w/ me, hangs out w/ his buddies, puts me last. Seems like since I've told him how much I love him and want to be there for him and am sorry he went through CSA, it hasn't changed a thing. He is still distant and I am still the bottom feeder in his life.

I don't know if he'll ever make me MVP.

Mike, I liked what you said, I just wish my H would come toward me a little instead of still running. I know about his CSA, I love him with all my heart, and he STILL hangs around w/ others and does not take me out even once in over 2 yrs.

Maybe he just hasn't felt the impact of his CSA yet. I don't think he has connected it to the stress, unhappiness, etc., he's been feeling. So he gets a little irritated at me for ever mentioning it. Could it be possible that he'll never realize it and so I'll continue forever being last on his list of priorities? Is there anything at all that can be done to help him MAKE THE CONNECTION to his CSA??

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo darn tired of waiting all this time for him to decide to do something about this 'thing' between us that won't let us be close.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2


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