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#246224 - 08/23/08 08:38 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Rob,
Please don't delete anything you've posted; there's a lot of learning for all of us in the progression of this thread- maybe it's just me, but i bet both us, and F&F, might benefit from reading through the entire thing. Maybe we don't know each other, but i see a guy who's tough, honest, and bright enough to call it as he sees it, no matter where it leads. There's no way i can disrespect that. Maybe it doesn't feel like it to you at the moment, but my hat's off... From one former MA guy to a current resident- you kick a**, dude!

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#246246 - 08/23/08 04:39 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: dgoods]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you Rob.

But I do have something to say about the marriage thing. Both people have a responsibility to it. You're owning up to your part of the contract. Lorie, it seems, has dug her heels in and is not working for tomorrow, but rather looking at all the wrongs of yesterday. I get it, I understand the visceral reactions, the anger, the F*** you attitude. I get where that's coming from, but doing wrong to you because of wrongs you've done to her doesn't solve anything, does it?

My brother is going through a horrible time right now and his marriage is blowing up for many of the same reasons, sans csa, at least as far as I know. It's hurting him so badly and it's hurting their kids in ways they're both too blinded by hurt to see.

It's easy for me to sit back and watch the implosion with all kinds of advice coming out of my mouth, but whether it's right or not, I'm not in it so take this for what it's worth. You're willing and wanting to heal, both yourself and your marriage. If Lorie isn't willing to do that too then you're screwed. You both have responsibilities to each other and your family. Continuing the marriage for another 10-15 years with swapped roles of who is a jerk (for lack of a better word) and who's not is not going to work.

I hope she'll help herself and you make it work.

ROCK ON...........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#246258 - 08/23/08 05:48 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Trish4850]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I can see now that a lot of Lorie's reaction is based upon a natural inclination to pick-up the blame or see that blame was/is assigned to her by default. With me running around saying "my arm is broken and it ain't MY fault" seemed (in her eyes) to be assigning blame to her.

We both work that way. We are very defensive and ready to interpret blame being assigned to us, then we are MORE than ready to attack the source. We are BOTH guilty of that. I hope that now we can dis-arm in unison.

When nations do that, they have elaborate meetings in beautiful places. I think a trip to Zurich is called for.


Help with my CSA issues have been denied or refused from:

Churches, Some Ts, Some MDs, TWO Mental Wards at Hospitals, My Sister, Pastors...ALL BECAUSE THEY "FEEL THAT THEY ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE SUCH A HEAVY ISSUE."

So WHY do we assume our spouses are so equipped?

#246263 - 08/23/08 06:21 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Wyclef_Bakr Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Doorstep of Thugz Mansion.
I think it's because we stood up in front of "God" and vowed "For better or worse,".

We spend so much time with them and they've accepted us and agreed to spend the rest of their lives with us, and us them. Maybe it's because we believe that love will conquer all.

I have not had time to read the whole thread so I apologise if my reply is out of place.

#246264 - 08/23/08 06:32 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809

Buddy, I cried for you through this post. I just can't fathom the evolution of pain and suffering you're going through. All I can do is be here with you. To feel a little bit of your pain.

I wish I could tell her...but tell her THAT??? No way! Can't happen. That would be like a Jew raising his hand in 1942 Munich saying "you forgot to pick me up guys."

This line hit me in the gut. I get the shakes thinking of the fear behind these words.

I'm proud of you Rob. You're pushing through with all you got. I'm praying for you my friend.


My Story

#246329 - 08/24/08 03:34 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Barkabus]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Yeah...too bad this place resembles occupied France. Life would be a LOT easier.

#246365 - 08/24/08 02:07 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
we spouses stay not because we are better equipped to handle the situation, were not. We stay because we have one element that all of those other people you listed don't have, LOVE. I love my H, had I not, I would have left many years ago.

Everyone needs someone to be on their side, pick them up when they fall down, help them through hard times ect... if you had been diagnosed with cancer, would you expect your loved ones to abandon ship? No. So why should this be any different.

Sometimes the hurt spouse needs to put aside their pain for a awhile, to help the other one through his ordeal. Then after, we can refocus on the healing of everyone else. You will never be able to help her if you don't heal yourself, and she will never help you if she does not put aside her grudge, and focus on the bigger picture, which is getting you well for the sake of your family.

It is not an easy road, I've been living it for 13yrs, but I only made things worse, when I focused on all the deception I thought was done to me, then I realised it was not premediated on his part, it was just he needed to protect it at all cost. It wasn't about me at all. Same goes for the nasty way he treated me. Now if he is out of line, I point it out and tell him it was uncalled for, he apologises, and then WE LET IT GO.

None of this is easy on anyone's part, and I hope you find a way to work it all out.


#246384 - 08/24/08 05:00 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Tom Perry Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/04
Posts: 87
Loc: London
I remained silent for 38 years. This was a mistake as I now realise. Disclosure was impossibly difficult - just getting those words past my lips was profoundly difficult and what has since happened has been, and continues to be, very challenging but I am considerably better for speaking and more at ease.

Some people I thought of as more than acquaintances are no longer around. Why? Well they found my disclosure too difficult to handle for reasons known only to them. Just recently I made a long-term acquaintance aware of my past - he has not communicated with me for 5 weeks. Is this just coincidence? Probably not. And if people walk away, go silent, are rude then just ignore it - they are in shock at what you have told them. Some just can't handle the subject - just look at how many believe child abuse does not happen or is grossly exaggerated.

Someone known to me was abused by my abuser. This boy told his father. His father did not believe him and physically hit his son and remonstrated with him. Thereafter he did not speak to his son again. The boy at the time was 13 years old. The boy’s brother does not believe what happened to him. Now both parents are dead, and the brothers remian estranged. Why was the father so angry? As was discovered many years later the father had borrowed money from the alleged perpetrator and quite clearly he did not want to hear the awful news his son revealed because of what might happen to his indebtedness. You really could not make this stuff up.

By not turning on the light in the dark corners in which perpetrators hide they become strengthened. By not speaking out parental ignorance of the subject is permitted to continue. If the lights remained “off,” child abuse will prosper not diminish.

What of me now that I have disclosed. Well I decided to disclose big time and try to live by what I've written above. I have been working very hard seeking change in child protection legislation in education, and seek an overhaul of the useless schools inspections. Whenever I and others sit down with a group of apparatchiks from Government they look very uncomfortable because they know they are not dealing with theory. This is a very unnerving experience for them, and one they do not enjoy. They would rather we were elsewhere. They see us as the awkward squad. As someone from a well known charity in the child protection sector said to me "you and the others are very intimidating because of the extent of your knowledge." Well quite frankly that is their problem and I do not intend it will ever become mine.

It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness.

#246416 - 08/24/08 09:25 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area

I'm so very proud of you. I'm proud that you have had the strength to look at yourself, your situation and learn from it. I'm proud because you are learning to own and work on what you are finding, and I'm so proud you came here and said all those things you just said. You are awesome. What a huge step you have taken. Thanks for sharing it with us. Thanks for helping so many. \:\)

Life is to short to blend in

#246537 - 08/26/08 12:10 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: dangal]
Samii Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Japan
Rob-san. This is first time I am hearing any thing like this from you. It is sounding like from different person. Better person. I like this person~ I know saying this is making big difference to Lorie-san. I do not know if fixing this is possible. But it is some thing she is needing hearing any way.
It is not your fault or her fault. It is fault of what is happening to you. And it is many other thing to. But both person are needing stopping trying taking blame and finding fault. Accepting responsibility is important. But pointing finger even when it is at self will solve no thing. There is big different with taking responsibility for what you do and accepting blame. I think you are maybe seeing this now. No matter what is happening this is step that is important for both of you. Even if in end you are not together you will both be more strong after.

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