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#246196 - 08/23/08 12:08 AM Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long)
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am feeling quite stupid and down at myself right now. This is not going to be 'feel good' and positive post. I am sorry of that. I just say that, here, if you feel me 'whining', then you can be spared to read rest of this.

There been some stress here to me, on top of just usual 'life' things that get better, get worse, whatever of it. Some recent physical and emotional injuries causing some pains, some worries of family/friend issues. I guess just is life things. I do not know why I wish to put onto that also other stress, but I am rather idiot I guess.

I have not been at all around my mother for quite some time, and not alone with her at all for even longer. The last time I seen her she make a rude comment about how maybe she wasn't the best parent, but 'at least both of my children are still alive'. Lovely. I do not know why, but for some reason, I still have some desire to have 'normal' parent and child relationship with her. Just some crazy dream I guess. Anyway, I try to make some effort of relationship to my mother. I swear it, the apartment, just to be in there make me feel sick in my stomach, and it is not even the apartment I grown up in. Even though he is been dead for some time now, I still felt I could smell and feel my father in there (perhaps I should have taken holy water or such). And I am talking with my mother, at least trying to, and realizing, perhaps there just never will be any relationship with this woman, she is just crazy. For first time, she actually did admit that 'perhaps' she done something wrong to me as a child. But then she say 'but see, look at you now, I knew you was going to look like this'. What the hell that means? That it is not all right for a mother to sexually abuse her younger son, but if he grows up and she like how he look, THEN it is ok? Yes, here is great surprise. The woman who sexually abuse me until I am 17 years age or so, and even try when I am adult, does not 'get it'. Such shock to me. And she just is smiling at me and talking, like just we are talking about the weather or some such. And I find myself thinking, look at her, she is quite small, I could kill her and be easy to hide her body. And think, well, these are not such good thoughts, perhaps I should now leave. My head just was rather spinning around in circles and I was feeling very unclean just to been even talking with her.

For some reason, this short time I spend with this crazy woman rather pull out the more self-destructive feelings of me. And I admit to not dealing well of them, but instead, to rather drink more in last some days (medication for physical pain, I tell to myself, yes, that work) The acting out, the sex with quite a few anonymous partners , I am not sure if that was medication or not, but it just seemed to fit in with the over all, feeling of unclean and just basically feeling quite like a 'whore' again. (Of course, with this going on, I was still trying to remain 'responsible' and work, and do what I need to do for family and friends, to be who I was needed to be for them, which I guess is another 'whore' thing maybe, without pay). Until I just could not stand to do both, do not go to work yesterday and instead get hotel room to spend time myself away of roommates. And to not be bothered by caring and decent friends who generally do not like you to do negative things to yourself.

(Pardon me, I am realizing this is becoming much longer then I think, and it is very much indeed 'whiny'. My apologies, just feeling rather not happy at myself still)

So anyway, about 10 hours later, several bottles vodka and ashamely, couple again sexual partners later (quite many lonely women in Moscow bars), I am rather going out to get more vodka, because I guess since I still have any thought left in my head, is perhaps I am not yet drunk enough. And I go into this small place, and walking past the 'mens magazines' (yes, you know what kind), it is like, something catch my eye out of the corner. And I turn to look, and there it rather is. I am looking face to, well 'face' with myself, a photo from 15 years ago, one of the worst fears I have had since I grow up and realize how stupid I was then. If I think more on it (something I do not really wish to do), I could probably even say what day it was taken, what it was even like outside. I could not do that for every 'trick' I done, but I could for the photos and videos. There was not so many of them. As a friend say to me, 'trust me, no one look at the faces', well, I did. I was standing there, looking at 15 year old me on this magazine (yes, I looked so much the 18 I tell these people I am; I look so near to 18 as the Chinese gymnasts at Olympics look 65). Even though I was quite much smaller then, and my hair was different color, and of course the face is younger, I am looking at my eyes and I am seeing me, and my face. And I am standing there, I close my eyes a minute, I am rather hoping that I am drunk and hallucinating and not really seeing that photo. And open my eyes again, yes, there it is. It is almost half my life ago, but there it is, right in front of me. I think then, I start shaking and feeling sick in my stomach, and I just leave there before someone get curious as to why so much I am looking at this thing, and notice that there is a similar face there.

So now, I am back in my room, I am not drunk, I am alone, and can not explain how I feel. Part of my head is very clear, very 'logical' like right now, and the other part is spinning just out of control. I know I should go back home and be around my roommate, who is my best friend and support and will understand this, but I still have so much of the 'unclean' feeling, of past and more recent events, that I just feel like not worthy.

I am not sure really why I am putting all this here, other then maybe to challenge myself and see if I leave it. There is lot of 'not worthy' feeling to me here even, of not belonging, and it seems to get worse when I am more in need of this place.

Just trying to perhaps 'confess' the recent sins and emotions. Not sure why, as I said. I do not even know what kind of responses I can expect from this. I guess just, I will take whatever show up.

Thank you for reading, if you make it all the way through all this.


#246200 - 08/23/08 01:00 AM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: VN]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
In the end VN you are not alone, you have many friends who understand and who care very much. I work and work to join this world but the past always comes back a smack's me and say's "this is who you are". I am not that person V, I will have to fight and fight but I know who I am. I think what I see is that I can't just step out of my past and be free completely of it, but I have the desire to. It will be a battle back and forth until I reach that. My desire does not falter though, it keeps wanting to draw me back but I will continue to be who I know I am. Someday my past will not haunt me.

I have seen who you are V, it is worth fighting for. It sucks and it's hard but it is worth it, you are worth it!

Feeling you

Stay strong


#246216 - 08/23/08 04:39 AM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: mogigo]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Just offering you a safe hug if you need or want it, and I hope it helped to write that out and share it.

One thing your story does is hammer home the fact that the young people on the other side of that camera are REAL people with REAL feelings and REAL pain. If any of us can learn a lesson here on this site, maybe it's that one?

More importantly I hope you know that you are valued and important to all of us, even now after we've read the above.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#246221 - 08/23/08 06:53 AM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: WalkingSouth]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY

As John said, you are a valued member here at MS. I'm very glad you are a part of our community. I also agree with Mike, you are worth it! Thank you for sharing yourself with us.


Recovery is Possible!

#246222 - 08/23/08 08:01 AM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: Brian]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
You maybe feel bad for posting, but i am glad you could tell us how you feel. I know i usually feel bad for complaining about my life or my feelings on here, but MS isn't just here for happy stories; maybe you find it hard to believe, but i found myself nodding "yes" along to parts of your post. I'm not doing it now, but i certainly know what it's like to drink vodka until you can't even think anymore- i used to drink just to shut my mind up. I am so sorry you had to see those pictures, and listen to your own mother chat away like nothing happened; no one in their right mind would blame you for needing to talk about it. I don't have any way to magically fix things, but i'm certainly willing to listen, any time you need me to. Just PM me if you need to, it's why we're here, yes?- PS i wish my Russian was as good as your English!

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#246227 - 08/23/08 12:55 PM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: dgoods]
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

We will talk, Sport. I missed a lot, and I want you to know that I am sorry for it.

Know you are loved, Bro. Know also, you have my total respect!!

#246255 - 08/23/08 05:35 PM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: FLRich]
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I know that find those photos or video in all these years past it, it is always been a strong fear to you, because of course that is not who you are anymore. But really, how much do you look the same, now that it is almost 15 years later? I mean, of course you can see it and know it is you, but really, could anyone else, even someone who know you as a friend or who work with you, could they be able to look at it and say oh yes, that is him? Even if there is perhaps a suspicion, I do not know that anyone would be able to point it at being it is you. And again, as your friend say, someone who is buying such kind of magazine, it is most often not to look at the faces in the photos. I know it was quite the shock to you, but I do think the risk of being recognized, it is quite small.

I am sorry of what happen with your mother, and of how she act to you, like there is just no concern at all of her behavior. I think truly that she have convinced herself some how that what she done was all right, in order to be able to live with the guilt of it. She is not going to be able to get past that convincing she is done to herself. I think you have done adequate enough to try to establish a more positive relationship with her that protects your boundaries, and she has failed you. It is perhaps time for you to stop trying, as hard as that maybe will be.

I am very glad that you are now home safe, and where you are not so likely to do things that will have negative effect to you. You do not deserve anything to cause to yourself more negative feelings.


#246273 - 08/23/08 07:43 PM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: ak]
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

Listen to your best friend and this old fart. THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW. I saw a young man being interviewed about his photos and videos taken when he was 15-16 (he is now 19) and he said it was like being abused all over again when he saw them. I am sure it was like that for you. I cannot imagine how you felt but your pain is so real it comes out in your writing.

I, too, am glad that you are home safe. You never have to hang your head in shame my brother. You are a decent and caring man. I know that for a fact and so do all your friends here. Just be who you are not what you were forced to be.

As for your mother I can only repeat what I have said before. the biological act of giving you birth gives no woman the right to be called a mother. A mother is someone who nurtures her children, acts as a role model for them, protects their child from danger and gives all their love without expectation. The woman who gave birth to you did none of the above. My advice to you is to keep hold of the mother of your best friend . You know you are loved by both her and her husband.




#246468 - 08/25/08 03:50 PM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: Mike Church]
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Just, I wished to say 'thank you' to them who all respond here, and also who talk with me in chat room of these things. It just was I think the case of 'too much at once' or such. I am sorry I was so not in control, but I much appreciate all who help me with these issues. Is still some the struggle of it, but is becoming some better.


#247201 - 08/29/08 05:43 AM Re: Face to 'face' to myself (Some big triggers, long) [Re: VN]
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5407
Loc: Washington State

I am sorry that I did not see this sooner, your best friend told me about it tonight. You must know that you have alot of caring people here on MS and in your life. You will always be loved an cared about no matter what "sins" you do. You are an will always be my friend.

Mike is so right about a women giving birth does not make them a mother, she was no mother to you. You have over come so much an done so much in your life. You have a true family now, you have a mother an father, you have brothers you have sisters, you have a family. I always believe family is who you make it not who made you.

Take care of your self always my friend, an know that no matter what happens I will always call you "My Friend."

lots of love always, Nathan

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