This was originally posted on the members side, way back on 27/04/08 at 10:39PM.

I'm reposting it here, unedited and unmodified and most likely will soon at Pt 2 into the mix.


I'm 32 now. It began when I was 6 or 7. I don't really know for sure. My childhood was a haze of one piece of hell after another.

Born into a family with an older brother, 6 year old than me, a sister around 2 years older than me. My dad worked a lot. My mom usually had something she was doing here or there. A few of my first memories are from the first house I lived in. I remember my sister and brother telling me to go away, or specifically to go somewhere "else". I don't know why, but at that age (around 4) I always pictured popcorn when I heard the word else. Maybe that's just the weird way kids brains work. Things just not matching up yet.

I know when I was 4/5 my dad was gone during the week and only came home on weekends. I didn't like this. I remember being mad when day when he came home. I wouldn't talk to him at all. So he put his hat back on and said he was going to go away again. This of course, seeming innocently funny to an adult, struck fear and terror into the heart of a little boy. I remember getting up and running to him at that point. Don't remember anything else though. I know soon thereafter we moved. The reason my dad was away so much was that he had found a new job, and it was far enough away that he stayed in a hotel all week and only came home on the weekends. We moved closer to his new job. My parents bought a little 12 acre farm. Right new McGuire AFB in NJ. They put me and my older syblings in a private school. Seems I wasn't ready for Kindergarten, so they held me back and I spent a 2nd year there. It was pitched to me that I could stay another year with my teacher, which to a 5 year old kids is a great idea, but before the end of that 2nd year I'd figured out being held back wasn't a good thing. Don't remember my feelings or anything on it, but I'm sure it added to my feelings of being inadequate or whatever have you that goes into it. Even then I didn't make friends all that easily.

At some point my parents met people in the area. Not sure how or where they picked these people up, but truly all but few were completel and total nut jobs!!! The one family had 3 children. Their oldest was my age. The other 2 were slightly younger, by 2 and 3 years I think. My mom and theirs would spend time in the house chatting and doing whatever when she was over and all us kids would be outside. Being told to go outside was a normal thing for me growing up. I think my mom just wanted us out of her hair to be honest.

I don't remember much of the day that began this giant bullshit journey. But I remember the question. I remember the voice. The oldest of the 3 said, "Wanna sucks dicks?" I didn't know what he meant. I didn't know what a "dick" was. He said he'd show me. I don't know where we went. But I remember him pulling his pants down. His brother and sister were there if I remember right. Maybe they weren't, I don't know anymore. I remember him telling me what to do. I remember trying it. It smelled funny. Tasted weird. Then he did the same to me.

This went on, probably ever time they were over. I know they were over a lot, but I don't remember much. I know as we got older his sister and younger brother got involved in things. Was mostly more of the same. I remember it changed at one point. The boy who started it all pissed in my mouth the one time. He thought it was funny. I didn't. But when it was his turn I did the same thing to him. From that day on, no one was sure who was going to do what, but we didn't stop. It's just what we did.

Have more to say, but can't really put it together right now. That's just the beginning I guess. Was far far harder than I thought that would be. Guess I need that time out now.