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#243645 - 08/10/08 03:48 AM Nightmare/partner, now what
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
AS many of you know, I have and continue to have nightmares 3 to 4 times per week. I do take med's, but then it takes me till noon the next day to feel like myself again. They totally drain me of feelings and emotions.

I spend the weekends with my partner. My relationship is going on 3 months now and I have kept most of my CSA secret to him. Our relationship is totally awesome, both in and out of the bedroom. I did not disclose much of my CSA, feeling that he could not/would not understand what my sexual abuse, so many years ago, has caused me to deal with today.

Last night I forgot to take my med's for nighmares. For the first time my partner witnessed what I have to deal with, due to my CSA. My screaming and crying caught him by surprise. He heard me pleading for help and crying like a little child. A little child, who he said sounded so scared and alone, with no one near to help. My "little guy" is still with me, still scared and lonely.

Holding me in his arms we both cried for what seemed like hours. My feelings of pain and anger and anguish and sadness have consumed my emotions since last night. Pain and anger because I cannot control my nightmares. How can I continue to live with this night after night? Will they ever go away? Anguish and sadness because I fear that my partner will not accept me for who I am and not for what I was. Is it fair to put this much burdon on a wonderful man who I unselfishly kept my "past" from him?

Why do I feel so guilty for something that I had no control over or that was not my fault in any way? Why do I feel so much shame? Why do I feel like that "little guy" who was powerless and ashamed and Lonely?

Today we talked for hours and I completely opened up and disclosed everything. Now that he knows the present effects I am dealing with due to my CSA, I fear the worst. Will he accept me for who I am today? Does he really understand? I can only hope and pray the outcome will be positive.

Thanks for listening



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#243650 - 08/10/08 03:53 AM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: KENKEN]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Our thoughts are with you, Friend.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#243669 - 08/10/08 05:34 AM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: WalkingSouth]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I understand your anxiety,; there's no way i or anyone else can have guaranteed foreknowledge of where your partner might go emotionally with this new awareness on his part, but even if this guy ends up having a harder time dealing w/ it than he expexcted of himself, it certainly bodes well that he witnessed you in an emotionally vulnerable state, and held you and talked with you during and afterwards. In any newer relationship, there's the risk of an "Uh, sorry, this was more than i bargained for" moment. It's been three months, you said? It may annoy you to read this,, but the only answer is time. He either can handle it, or he can't, and even he might not know the answer to that question as of now. From what you've written, it seems like he honestly cares for you; maybe a question worth asking might be "is there a part of me that believes i don't deserve happiness, and is that part of me waiting for any chance of a good relationship to fail?" Just some random thoughts from me, don't let fear keep you from finding happiness... i hope you find the pride, safety and love you deserve.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#243676 - 08/10/08 07:43 AM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: dgoods]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I agree that it looks good so far with this person. I myself try to avoid sleeping with people because the nightmares wake them up and upset them but I would hope that if I found someone special that sleeping in a separate place wouldn't be a big deal if they understand why.

My Story
My Art

#243716 - 08/10/08 02:12 PM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: blueshift]
MagRaith Offline

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Hey Ken,

I agree with the responses you've received here. Two things came to mind when I was reading your post:

First - as dgoods says, don't let your own fear keep you from finding happiness. Keep in touch with your feelings and make sure you don't sabotage your own happiness. Avoid speculation and "fortune telling" about what your partner is thinking - talk it out and avoid making assumptions.

Second - no human being has control or power over other adult human being's emotional capabilities, past experiences or perceptions of the world. All you can do is be the person you are today. If your partner for any reason cannot deal with the situation, it is not due to any inherent flaw in you, really not because of anything that you have control over. It would be about him, his emotional abilities, where he is in life, etc. I'm sure he comes with his own baggage. So don't take responsibility for how he thinks or feels, that's not fair to either of you.

I understand how frustrating it is, believe me. My partner and I have been together for 16 years and we have some significant struggles right now due to my CSA issues, therapy, etc. but I have to accept that I can't control his ultimate thoughts and feelings, all I can do is be myself, keep communication open and help us work together.

As I've progressed in my recovery from drug addiction, I've learned to appreciate this mantra "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Applies to this situation definitely.

Take care my friend,

#243723 - 08/10/08 02:41 PM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: MagRaith]
LN3(SS) Offline

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD

All of the responses so far I wholeheartedly agree with. Only time will tell what he will do in regards to buildin a life, or not, with you.

Just remember , when dealing with him, the definition of the word ASSUME: makes an ASS out of U and ME. Therefore, try to keep the lines of communication open and honest. Sounds like you made a good first step already.


"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

#243728 - 08/10/08 04:06 PM Re: Nightmare/partner, now what [Re: LN3(SS)]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Ken this is a new ride for both of you. It's part of the spice of life that neither you nor anyone here knows how it'll turn out. Maybe it'll make the relationship deeper?

Best, Dawg

I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003


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