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#190574 - 11/09/07 01:14 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: GWsurvives]
Gerald2007 Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Originally Posted By: GWsurvives
Indy.. my recovery started after my second wife left me. I went to a "marriage counselor" to try and convinvr my wife to give me another chance. After seking to him for an hour, and my wife speaking to hi for hour (seperatly).. I went back to see him.. He asked me flat ou: "Is there any abuse in your past?". I thought he was talking about in my marriage... After a few minutes.. he rephrased the question... "was there any abuse in 'your' childhood?". THAT floored me.. When I said I yes, and explained, he asked if I had therapy for it. WTF?? that was 30 years ago. He suggested that I get therapy, or at the very least, read Lew's book. When I sobered up... I read Lew's book.. when I sobered up again... I asked him to recommend a therapist... that was over a year ago... I am growing.. I am learning..... I am HEALING!!!!

Could you post or PM me with the name of your T? Is s/he dealing direectly with the issues of CSA?

Also, I am getting to the point where I am considering getting a group of Atlanta area guys together for a support group.


Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

#190629 - 11/09/07 09:38 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: Gerald2007]
thesun3 Offline

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hello All:
Going to see a kind and understanding therapist led me to my recovery. I had gone to her because of my dependency on porn.
Many think that porn is not a big deal...but it was taking over my mind and soul. She just asked me point blank... "were you ever sexually abused as a child?" I was stunned. My eyes and throat went dry. How did she know my terrible history? I was seduced with porn, unfortunately it became a dependency...a means to dull the reality of my pain.
I am also seeing a male therapist to discuss and learn how my abuse and porn have linked to chain me to a roller coaster of shame and despair.
The book by Mic Hunter has been my favorite so far, although,Victims No Longer is a good read too.
This site is fantastic and I am proud to be a member of it.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

#190754 - 11/10/07 03:34 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: RICK57]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: RICK57
Life (as above) means being abused by someone that pretends to be your best friend ever. Being groomed with treats into a situation that you just do not understand, and that you will try to comprehend for the rest of your life. It might mean being violently attacked by someone you totally trusted, being pinned to the floor and used (not my experience, but I know it is the experience of others). So we men here have either been subjected to grooming and abuse, or violent physical attacks (sometimes both). When someone you trust does this, it plays havock with your ability to trust. Yes we may think that you are the best person we ever met, but I personally just wait for people to let me down. I thought for many years that everyone would let me down eventually, so why did I even bother putting myself into situations where I might start to like / get attached to people, if I knew they would eventually let me down.


i'm sorry i never responded to your post on this thread - looking back i think i just didn't know what to say - you opened up so much and shared something so personal it was overwhelming - but in a good way - that is, i know i'm not the only one who's learned from what you wrote, as well as just felt so much of your pain and hurt also.

what's interesting is how i, too, have trust issues for many reasons, but not csa. i, too, used to wait for people to disappoint me but then eventually as i grew older i realized i could also disappoint others as well.

i still prefer giving people the benefit of the doubt most of the time but if someone does disappoint me i try and ask myself if i'm holding unrealistic expectations of that person or the circumstances.

i think as children we DO imagine the world in such a way, as we imagine people, not to necessarily have bad things, or events, or actions in it. when bad things happen, especially traumatic events, it can crush a child's vision all too hard and fast, as opposed to allowing a child to gradually adjust to the fact the world is not all roses, i.e., our parents (and others) are people too.

no, i can't imagine what you went thru, as i can't imagine what any survivor of csa went thru, it is just so horrific for a nonsurvivor to grasp; maybe someday i won't shake my head about it but i doubt it.

i think you are a person of incredibly courage and strength. i was doing some research today and came across this quote:

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart

i hope no one takes offense at the use of the word "damaged" because i hesitated to share this for just that reason. but when people like you, Rik, who stand up and face your abuser, wow, that just makes you THE MAN totally - you know?

just don't think of the word "damaged" in a bad way, just means "hurt" is all, i think, ok?

to the other survivors who also posted, your words are also special, please don't think they aren't - every experience shared is a ray of hope for us fnf who are trying so hard to understand.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#243584 - 08/10/08 12:16 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
I'm bumping this because the question has been raised again and thought there were some good responses in this thread.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#243624 - 08/10/08 02:45 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Good thread to read through, thanks indy. As for me, my fiancee leaving me, combined w/ getting laid off @ around the same time, seemed to be just the right combination of stress + the passage of time to crack the "what abuse?" shell i had built so carefully for so long, and drove me to seek out MS- i've never read either of the books, but i'm sure i will at some point. At this point, i'm having to try to deal w/ the practical problems created by events since then while trying not to take the focus off of my recovery; i'm still trying to hash everything out, basically. BTW, i've always loved your avatar/sig. Along with many other posters in F&F, it helps me remember that it's possible for someone to be sane, and still care about a frustrating mess like me.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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