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#243106 - 08/08/08 04:05 AM Tired of this so called recovery
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Hey guys,

I have a reached a point where I do not know what I am recovering from. It seems like all the feelings of abuse described in books or posted here are either locked away somewhere or I am completely clueless that they exist at all.

When I look back at the abuse I feel nothing, sometimes don't even feel it was abuse. The perp gave me permission to say stop and yet I can't ever remember uttering those simple words. Everyone talks about shame and guilt but it seems I don't have access to these emotions at all.

I vowed to stop watching porn only to last 1 week and then go on a 7 day binge. I struggle with sexual identity which to be honest I am tired of all these conflicting feelings that contradict one another all the time. I am not convinced one way or the other and yet I cannot just be. I want it all to stop, I want to quit recovery.

So much time goes in to thinking about these things everyday. I can sit here and tell you my abuse story without flinching like it's almost surreal. I unable to connect with the feelings of the past. Does this mean I am over them? I am annoyed of hearing time will heal. I don't want to wait anymore, f*@% time! How do I move on when I don't even know what I am facing half the time.

It's all about abuse and being the victim and it's not your fault and you were too young to comprehend. Well now I am an adult and I still don't get it. Fear of intimacy and I hate sex pretty well now but this is all because I have been thinking, acting, speaking about sex all the time. Life has become sex obssessed and the world around me just keeps playing into this twisted view of reality.

I can sit here and analyze all the effects of the abuse but for whatever reason I cannot internalize any of it. Where the hell did I go? I am alive and enjoy life but on a very basic level, the rest just seems to revolve around relationships and sex based concepts.

Is there more to life than sex and abuse? Of course and I can answer that also! I don't know where I am going but I sure as hell know where I have been. Good job James, any hope of a life less frightening was robbed from me and you stole my youth right from under me. Messed me up with things a boy should learn naturally and enjoy.

I am left to pick up the pieces and it seems even the voices within me are pulling me in all directions. I have read some amazing stories of survival here and to all of you I commend you and admire that strength. Sorry for rambling, just tired of the motions.

Your surviving brother,

I am the warrior.

#243111 - 08/08/08 05:08 AM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: Letourski]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

My T gave me an assignment/wants me to write about Fear.

I can so relate, on the I can't internalize any of it.

I too, sometimes feel lost on the road of recovery.

Who stoled the phuckin map?


p.s. you say phuck time, I say phuck fear.

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#243159 - 08/08/08 02:42 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: 1islandboy]
LW1527 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut

You're numbing yourself, therefore you cannot feel. You need to get away from anything that numbs you, food, alcohol, porn, you know. This is very hard, but very numbing. You can't feel the emotions of your abuse if you are numb. Many of us have been down this road and we know what we are talking about. Get clean and then you will begin to feel and the reality of your abuse will come to view.


#243783 - 08/10/08 09:23 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: LW1527]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I learn early in recovery that I needed to adress my addictions first.
They were my way of not feeling the pain.
They were behaviors that I had developed to survive the abuse that I had suffered as a child.
But as an adult they block my ability to mature and to interact with others in a mature manner.
They kept me trapped in my abuse.
I still struggle with porn at times when the feelings become overwhelming, but no where near as compulsively as I use to.

Recovery is a one day at a time--one thing at a time process for me.
And there has been alot of days since I started this process (1987).
And it will take a few more until I done (if ever).

It's the journey not the destination that's important to me.
In my recovery I have come to terms with one issue in my life only to find another one.
But I have come to realize that is the way life is, not just for me but for everyone.

Just keeping coming back and sharing your experiences.
The feelings will come!!!


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#243825 - 08/11/08 02:03 AM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: Letourski]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 146
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi Letourski,

I can relate to the numbing part. There have also been many times in my recovery I have felt like "Why in the world am I even doing this? I just don't want to do this feel this anymore!"

Unfortunately, Letourski, if you try to let it go, it will come back to bite you. Been there and done that. From everything that you have just said, you are not going to be able to let it go because of its darn pervasiveness.

So what if this character gave you the chance to say no. How old were you? What would have happened if you said no. How much power in one way or another did this....well...person have over you? Give it up. You know what happened and how you feel about it. Believe me, if it wasn't abuse, you wouldn't be here. You know the feeling. We all do.

Denial is a powerful protective tool, but, like I said, it will come back to bite you. Take it from me, I've been eaten up and spit out.

I don't know your story and, whatever happened, I'm sorry that it did. But, you're here. Just let it be known that it's OK to let it go. I support you and I'm sure that everyone else does, too. Maybe you ought to share some of it and let us help you with it, and your recovery.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.

#243898 - 08/11/08 04:47 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: Letourski]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: Letourski
When I look back at the abuse I feel nothing, sometimes don't even feel it was abuse....I unable to connect with the feelings of the past. Does this mean I am over them?

My thought is that the answer to this is a resounding no. If you think back you may remember "numbing out" (see Lance's comment above) and pretending "it doesn't matter". In order to survive an abused boy really does close down emotionally, and once that fortress is created it's no easy matter to leave it - or even to admit that the fortress exists.

Getting ourselves to feel again isn't something we can "do", we just have to be patient and allow it to "happen". I found that it helped me in this connection to work with my T on my self-esteem problems first. Once I was willing to at least consider the idea that I might not be as loathsome and worthless as I thought, that encouraged me to let down my guard a bit more and eventually to feel again.

But yes, it's a complicated process and unfortunately it can't be rushed. On the other hand, look at the payback - you get your life back. That doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#243918 - 08/11/08 06:05 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: roadrunner]
Stretch73 Offline

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Don't Quit
by Edgar A. Guest
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow - you may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;
often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - it's when things seem worst,
you must not quit.


Before success comes in any man's life, he's sure to meet with much temporary defeat and, perhaps some failures. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and the most logical thing to do is to quit. That's exactly what the majority of men do.

Shake and stir that!

"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

#243958 - 08/11/08 09:40 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: Stretch73]
LW1527 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Dan - We're here and we undestand because we have lived it and are living it. Please, please hang on. There is a power somewhere in the darkness that reaches out for us that we cannot see, but that power is there. It is a good power that will help us, but many times the darkness is so thick that we can't see or feel anything but the darkness. So we give into the darkness, we get sucked into that vortex that swirls around and it drags us down to an even more hopeless state. We are holding out our hand, please hold on.


#259973 - 11/04/08 03:59 AM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: LW1527]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

I know this thread is a little old, but I wanted to add that the peer that violated me gave me an out, but I didn't take it. Yet I know all I wanted was all the pressuring and etc. to end and to not have to go through with what happened. So why didn't I take the out? I have thought about this, and I wonder if at his age he was "smart" enough to create this out not so much for my benefit, but his in that he could use it as an excuse when I did go through with it, or as a means to soften his embarrassment if I would have managed to not partake? I just don't know. But what happened was without doubt traumatic, I know that for sure.

Anyway, it is worth hanging in there are dealing with this stuff. I have a long road left to tread, but if I look back even only a few years ago, I would have never imagined I could have even remotely pulled myself out of the deep hole I was in. I am still climbing out, but I am seeing more light. If you see this thread, I hope you are doing okay.


#260050 - 11/04/08 06:03 PM Re: Tired of this so called recovery [Re: ericc]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: ericc

I have thought about this, and I wonder if at his age he was "smart" enough to create this out not so much for my benefit, but his in that he could use it as an excuse when I did go through with it, or as a means to soften his embarrassment if I would have managed to not partake?

I'd guess that's the most likely scenario. If an abuser can convince him/herself that the victim chooses to b abused then he/she can imagine that what she/he is doing is ok, so I'm sure he/she will try 2 create something 2 latch onto to to make it seem ok.

Basically he was just using you again, I think. Only not 4 sex but 4 his rationalization.

My Story
My Art


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