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#24281 - 06/13/04 02:21 AM I cried
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I cried last night. I do not know why. I have cried I think two times since I was four or five year age. When the abuse start, the feeling stop. I did not feel so long, not feel pain, or happy, or sad, or no things. Never would think to cry, because to cry would be to feel? But last night I cried. And do not know why. I do not know what I was feeling. I do not know that I was feeling. The crying, it was physical thing, it was like a body relese thing. Someone tell me I must have been sad, or have emotion with it. But I don't know feeling that. I don't know feeling anything. Am I so gone of all this that I do not earn the feelings back, or able to know them or have them? I am confused, I am sick, I do not understand nothing, I know that I do not know, I feel wrong, I feel I must be so wrong to not even have basic emotion, of human beings. Feel alone, physical and mental, feel not belong in my life, in here, anywhere.


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#24282 - 06/13/04 02:36 AM Re: I cried
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
My brother,
You belong! On this Earth, on this site, in life. You are loved valued. Remember, "Crying ain't dying," )Forgive the use of ain't!)
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#24284 - 06/13/04 10:19 AM Re: I cried
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hi Andrei,

The brilliant survivor that you are took all the feelings that you experienced when the horror was happening to you and put them in the "freezer" for safe keeping. Now you are in a safe enough place that you've taken these frozen feelings out of the freezer and are beginning to work with them.

You cried Andrei because these long frozen feelings are thawing out. First the outer edges begin to come back to a softness and then with the passage of time, the heat of "reality" gets right down to the core of the frozen item bringing back to life.

But Andrei, if you've ever had frostbite on your hands in the dead of winter, when the skin starts to heat up and life returns to the skin, it hurts like hell. And all your brothers here are the soothing cream that will make this pain tolerable until there is no more frozenness and life has returned to the beautiful soul who had been so terribly hurt.

You are thawing out Andrei and we who care so much for you are providing the heat!

Taz


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#24285 - 06/13/04 12:57 PM Re: I cried
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Andrei,

You needed to cry, so you did. It was necessary.

Never, EVER, doubt for a second you have a place. You DO.

Always.

If you need me, I'm here.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#24286 - 06/13/04 03:35 PM Re: I cried
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Andrei, I am proud of you. You crying means that the things that we were talking about in chat are working. You are making progress. It is completely normal for you to cry and have it be just your body doing it. It is part of all of what we were talking about. Your hard work and efforts are starting to show more progress. You are truly starting the healing journey. That is what your tears are.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#24287 - 06/13/04 07:40 PM Re: I cried
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Dear ak,

I completely agree with what everyone else has said. The crying is part of the "thawing" process as Taz so aptly put it.

I remember the first time I came and posted here. Having never talked about my past to anyone, holding it all in. When I received such acceptance and support boy did the tears come. Cried deep, soul purging tears all night.

And those tears are a sign of strength, a sign that you are willing to deal with all the frozen hurt and be a happier person for it.

You are doing well, ak. Very well!!! Keep letting it out.

Peace,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#24288 - 06/13/04 10:35 PM Re: I cried
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA
Andrei,

You can cry. That is good. Even if it seems to be only a bodily release, it is good.

Could the people who abused us cry? Could they feel any emotion of caring, about themselves or about someone else? I don't think so.

Maybe you did feel sad, but don't recognize it. I have been so far away from my feelings for so long that I can not say what I feel, if I feel, most of the time. It is unfamiliar, not absent.
Quote:
Have no shame for your tears. You have the right to them. You have earned them.
from Ismail, age 40, of Malaysia in Mike Lew's "Leaping Upon the Mountains."

You are a good man, Andrei. Congratulations on becoming a member, too.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken�"�The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#24289 - 06/14/04 07:20 PM Re: I cried
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Andrei,

Crying isn't a bad thing. It lets the stuff out, lets you get in touch with your feelings and pains. Heck, I've been doing a bit of crying lately myself. Feels good and some clarity follows. Although, it isn't always that clear. (if that made any sense at all)

I like Dale's frostbite analogy. And he's right, when it thaws out, it hurts like hell. Both types of "frostbite".

Take care my friend,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#24290 - 06/15/04 01:30 PM Re: I cried
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 343
Loc: Texas
Crying is good. I cry a lot. I hurt sometimes inside. Today my daughter is in town and I can not see her because my mother is with her and I am not able yet to be around my mother. It hurts a lot.

Don't be ashamed or afraid to cry.

And if nobody seems to care, come here.

We care.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#24291 - 06/15/04 08:50 PM Re: I cried
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
One of the things thyat I am very proud of, and grateful for, is that I can cry easily--happy or sad, it doesn't matter. I had a boss that once told me I would cry at the opening of a K Mart! Really the fact that a person is being appointed Manager of the new store seems a joyful thing worth crying over!

Feeling the whole range of emotions is very healthy. It is sad that in the USA too many people see emotions as either good or bad--they are neither, it is what we do with them that adds morality to our having them. Too many also think men can only have a short list of acceptable emotions--perhaps that is a reason for so much abuse and road rage, addictions etc.

Rejoice that you can feel now more and more. It is superb good news to hear of that.

Peace freind.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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