Hello i am 39 years old i am married for the second time to the greatest wife ever. I have 5 kids three that are my own. When I was from the ages of 6- mayby nine i was abused, raped by two teenagers. These were kids of best friends of my mom and dad. They were over all the time. Telling this is like i am telling someone el's story. We would play in the woods or smim up and down the creek or what ever boys did with alot of time on their hands. As far as I can remember the abuse started with me asking the older brother of the two about sex. Well i don't remember how it started but he said he would show me. He first showed me how to give and recieve blow jobs. Then he showed me how a man screws a woman bye entering me analy and getting me to do the same with him. Somtime after I told the younger brother what had happened. I don't know if i was asking for help but anyway I told him. He then said he knew how to do it also so he would show me more which was the same things the older brother showed me. Sometime later their was anouther boy that was my age that started coming around so they would get us to do things to each other. This went on for i think about three years. Thank god they moved on and the abuse stopped.
I had a pretty normal teenage life. I dated and was somewhat sexually active with the opposite sex. I enjoyed all kind of outdoor sports and just loved life. I met my first wife when i was 20 we married when i was 21 and she was 18. We had a child nine months later and things started to go down hill. She was not though with her wild years so we stayed apart alot and she learned how to push my stress buttons to put me down. This when on for 16 years. We had three kids and it was always a struggle because she was abused to and like me did not know the problems with both of us were from those times of abuse. So some of the things like not trusting and low self asteem started. Our sex life sucked so she found others to make up for it. She had low self esteem as I did but she would toy with mine to keep me down. For twelve of the years i was married I was a cop. I was then and am still today along with my partner a legend for some of the the crazy and stupid things we did. I was hurt in a wreck and gave up law enforcement for my own welding business. After about 14 and a half years we parted ways and fought it our for a year and a half to get the devorse.
During this time I met the most wonderful lady that became my wife now. First year together our life was great together. But stress and panic attacks,being non trusting of her and Blaming her for the changes in me have caused the last year and a half to be bad. I had no idea that my past from a child had found me. I went to counselors, preachers talking about my stress and blaming it on everything but the abuse. Finally one day on my way home from work on the phone I broke down and let it slip to my wife what had happened to me. She really understood. She tried to help but the crazy things about me kept coming out that just pushed her away and made her give up hope. I told her the easy version of it. The one that I felt did not make me look to bad. I told her I have always remembered but i fell no more pain or discomfort thinking about it than i did when i think about getting my first stitches. So I told her it was not affecting me. I finally told my mom about it and who had done it.But once again i held back.
To this day I still feel no bad feelings when i talk about it. But I have most of the symptoms of a abused child.
Now I am in the search to heal and find out Why after all these years when I have a great wife and kids and I should be living it up, My wife and I are being haunted by something that happened 36 years ago. So I am here for help. What do I do, where do I go and How do I ease my wife's pain and mine.