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#241259 - 07/30/08 04:19 AM Finally I can see it
Cobain28 Offline

Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
It seems a little strange to purge my head on these pages but it seems as though it would be incredibly cathartic. I thought for the longest time that my inability to cope with life came greatly from the family that I was born into - the alcoholism, drug abuse and every other negative trait I saw in my family. It wasn't until I confessed CSA to my girlfriend and she happened to research a bit of it on the net that I discovered that I'm a fairly textbook case of someone suffering from the effects. The drug abuse, control issues, jealousy issues, pure fear of other people. I never really thought it had that much affect on me because I always knew it had happened, I never went into denial over it. I'm not sure if there are other people out there who've not experienced denial.

So now I feel I have a better view, even after a couple of days, a better more objective view of what I am and what needs to be done cure myself. I still feel slightly weird in that my experience was not as intense or harsh as many others out there and maybe I'm just being a big baby. But even though I feel good knowing more than ever where these feelings and behaviours come from I have never felt more afraid of being able to see what a mess my life is and what I have to do to fix it. Reminds me of looking up at space, just pure massive unknown. It is hard to equate me being victimized to me having to clean up what remains afterwards. It is good to know that there are others out there who might feel the same.

"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-

#241277 - 07/30/08 09:39 AM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: Cobain28]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Cobain, Welcome to Male Survivor. This is a great place to begin to heal from all the side effects of the SA.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#241299 - 07/30/08 11:36 AM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: Muldoon]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi cobain, you have an excellent understanding on which to build your recovery. it is good to have you with us, and don't worry about your situation being of lesser importance. that's kinda like saying you're 'a little bit pregnant'. it is toxic poison no matter how you slice it. you deserve to be here, and you deserve justice and freedom from the effects of sexual abuse.

your brother in recovery,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#241346 - 07/30/08 04:30 PM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: Cobain28]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Cobain,

Good for you! It takes a lot of courage to make that first post. I am so proud that you were so confidently able to take this vital first step. Thank you for sharing with us. You know, one of the biggest strongholds that CSA exercises over us is secrecy. Whether we are threatened or coerced by our perps or if we are held in silence by our own guilt and shame, conquering the power of CSA begins with shedding light into that dark corner of our lives.

You'll find every kind of SA imaginable here whether it was perpetrated in childhood, adolescence or even adulthood (or any combination thereof). Just like you, many guys here have always had the memory of what happened to them in the forefront or background of their consciousness. Some rarely see a day without having those memories intrude upon them in some way. Others, out of an unconscious survival mechanism, had no memory of their abuse...some for many, many years until something, somehow began bringing those suppressed memories back to light. And still others have lived, as you mention, in denial of it, minimizing or discounting completely the very real effects that are ever present in their lives.

Each person's story is unique. Yeah, there are parallels and similarities but, just as our own dark experiences are unique, so too, our journey of recovery must be tailored specifically to us. The good news is that, unlike our SA experiences, our recovery can be shared with people who care, who are willing to join us on this journey.

I am thankful that you have a girlfriend that loves and cares for you enough to have done some searching on your behalf and shared with you what she found. That's awesome. One of the most important parts of our recovery is having a secure support structure among trusted loved ones. You'll also find a tremendous amount of care and support here.

Welcome to MS Cobain! The healing has begun!


My Story

#241355 - 07/30/08 05:04 PM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: Barkabus]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I like to wecome you to m/s.
We each have our own story.
You will find that your inability to cope comes from all the things you listed above.
And you'll find alot of support at this site to deal your mess.
You'll find your not the only one dealing with a mess.
Remember do it one day at a time and that we are here for you.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#241442 - 07/31/08 02:20 AM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: michael banks]
ObiWan Offline

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Hi Cobain,

welcome. You will find a lot of brothers here, and a lot of friends. We work hard at healing and recovery, and at thriving, not just surviving. I wish you much thriving here, and be assured that you are safe here, you are among friends, and that healing really does take place here.

Welcome, and God Bless. You are a brave man.



WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...

#241448 - 07/31/08 02:32 AM Re: Finally I can see it [Re: ObiWan]
Cobain28 Offline

Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
Thanks everyone for all of your kind words. I feel a little better already.

"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-


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