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#241094 - 07/29/08 09:21 PM what should i do?
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I often stay out of here due to fear, because I am simply afraid of people knowing me. I know I am introverted. But thinking "everyone else" is talking/yapping/having fun except me, turns my confidence way down. I truly am afraid. I'd rather be in a small room with a few than a big room (like this board) and share. Well, to share what's on my heart right now. I am in the HC here at MS. That helps. But I am in a live group with addicts and such righ now, and I emailed the leader saying "I am rarely honest". For me, that's true. I rarely open up and am honest. I'm afraid of abandonment again. Damn.

Do any of you think you are wearing this around your neck like a crutch? Have many of you have questioned the weight, the degree of power the SA has had? I still don't know how much weight I give it in light of the sick upbringing I had. I pay more attention to that. The SA is newer to me, even in the last 3 months. I had buried my memories again in 2003.

In this group, we will be working for a year through the 12 steps, like those in AA. The problem for me is that when I actually start writing the answers to the night's questions, feelings came up that are strong. I was terrified of them, so I tried to answer with my head in writing, and later in the group. It was strange to listen to, and also a waste of talk time. I never shared anything with feeling. The leader said later that I was doing "analysis paralysis". True. At that moment, it was true. Going through this seems to take a lot from me. And doing the steps like I did something wrong (have to make changes/I am at fault) is discouraging. And...I'm afraid to tell them that.

Also, if I could, I'd go to the Level 2 weekend in Utah. I did the Level 1 in Canada years ago. Believe it or not, I had my whole trip paid for. No kidding. One guy paid my air fare and part of my ticket. Another guy picked up the rest. I felt so guilty I barely said thank you. Doing it again would be wrong, but...I've been wrong before. What would you do? I've already learned about scholarships. I don't have money to pay for the rest, or even know what my part would be. It is a dream. It would be a miracle if it happened again.
What would you do? This is a lot to spill right now, and I'll be back.

#241134 - 07/30/08 12:16 AM Re: what should i do? [Re: fhorns]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
If you are not comfortable with sharing with all of us on here, why don't you only post on the member-side. That would cut-out all of the non-members. Or just communicate by PM. I am on here most days and would be happy to discuss any issue with you privately, except I am not really good with the 12 steps, though our member Michael Banks is very knowledgeable with them.

My CSA and rape had a huge amount of power over me for many years. It influenced every decision that I made and every road that I took. For many years I was in great fear but somehow managed to mask at least some of my fear with a very angry and standoffish outward appearance. For a long time, I just didn't care about myself or anyone else.

Now I am in a much better place and have my past under control. The past 8 years have been the best years of my life. I am so much more in control of my life now. All of my fears and anger are a distant memory.

I'm afraid that I can't help with the cost of a recovery weekend though.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#241153 - 07/30/08 12:55 AM Re: what should i do? [Re: Trucker51]
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Thanks Mark, for the wrap up. Your answer is quite revealing of how much of the obvious I miss. Thank you for the PM idea/refresher. I have started doing it again. I hadn't realized more were open to it.


#241237 - 07/30/08 03:13 AM Re: what should i do? [Re: fhorns]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
Fhorns, I must admit I share a lot of your feelings about crowds. My abuse happened in crowds, I hate! crowds. I always make sure to do my shopping on an early week day morning especially to avoid crowds, and for a student I'm really uncomfortable with packed rooms or crowded parties.

the internet though, ---- this site, feels very much like my space. i write messages in my time (I often walk off and rephrase stuff), or eddit them, they are under my control. though I know peopl will read them, i don't have to cope with people being physically present. Nor do i have to read things that trouble me, i've quite often opened a topic and shut it again if there's something that bothers me.

a bb like this feels a very safe environment to me, particularly as I'm in my room, my space, with my stuff around me.

i'm planning on becoming a member as soon as I can sort Paypal out, ---- mostly because I really feel i should contribute something to this site even if just my cash.

personally I'd say you are braver than I am. The idea of doing any of this in groups is one I find really! scary. Even on the occasions I've spoken to friends about this, it's mostly been over the phone. the idea of doing this with more than one person at a time is really not one I like, ---- and my first attempt at a T really frightened me sinse he very loudly said "group therapy is best for these situations" (though to be honest he was a git).

so firstly, it sounds to me that your actually doing better than you think.

I do however have one suggestion for groups in general. i don't imagine this would work in situations where you have to speak to an entire group like therapy, but it's certainly one I've used in crowded student bars or parties.

I focus on the one or two people (three at most), that I'm currently talking to. At that point, I'm just talking to them and the rest of the group doesn't exist. If the conversation finishes, or if they call more people into the discussion and the group escalates, I find another three people, and so on. So rather than being one in a group of 15 people, ---- which to me is a really! frightening situation, I'm one in a grtoup of two or three, which will later become a different group of two or three, and so on.

I'm not sure if that helps you, but it's certainly thinking I've been using for quite a long while.

Your absolutely welcome to Pm me as well if you like, ----- or not as you choose. i actually like getting pms from people.

I'm really sorry for the way your feeling and I hope you can find a way out of it.


#241382 - 07/30/08 07:46 PM Re: what should i do? [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I too am a introvert.
I have a hard time with large groups and I try to avoid them if at all possible. When I am around people I am always monitoring them to make sure I am safe. And I can't do this in a large group.
I also at feel that people are talking about me.
Especially, after I have opened up and share what I am really thinking,feeling, or what is happening in my life.
Being vunerable with others is very frightening thing for me.
Because they might reject me or use what I share with them against me in some way.
I was pming with another guy here at m/s and he called this survivors parnoid. which I feel is an excellent term for it.
On the 12 steps,in AA we have a saying about doing your steps, is to use a BIG pencil and a SMALL piece of paper.
What is important is to be as honest as you can and to share what you are comfortable with.
I did this with my sponsor 18 years ago and it was one of the most freeing expiernces of my life.
On your question on the of the sa stuff and the family stuff.
For me the neglect, emotional,physical and verbal abuse that I recieved from my family was what set me up for the sexually abuse.
But it was all every damaging and I have to deal with it all.
If you ever want to talk. Pm me and I will get back to you as soon I can.

ps; I also am part of an hc group and I always feel alot of anxiety the night before. But once there and after I share I always feel alot better.

In your H/C group allow yourself to share what you can and try not to be to hard on yourself. As you feel safer and build trust with the other guys you will able to open up more as time goes on.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009


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