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#240348 - 07/26/08 04:25 PM What am I missing?
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I woke up this morning at 7:30, stupid dreams, 6 hour's is not enough. Went out and did my crossword, read the paper. Came home for 10 am and started drinking. Why? I've been told over and over I need to stop this but I just need to get the fuck out, I need to get away from head.

Why? why is it still unbarable to even spend any time with my head.

I can do it, I can quit alchohol, done it before but I was young and naive. I thought things would get better, I thought it was the answer to all my problem's. Just quit and everything will go up from there. I'm back.

What the hell is it that I need to be okay with myself? To be "okay" with what my head is saying?

He doesn't shut up, he won't ever shut up, can't he just be quiet for a little bit so I can have some peace a bit each day. I'm not understanding why he needs medication to shut up.

What will make him shut up, I thought it was info, shit, I got fucking info. Not much left it seems that makes me say, oh okay, now I see.

What am I missing?

Stay strong


#240351 - 07/26/08 04:32 PM Re: What am I missing? [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I know it hurts, Mike...but perhaps you need to spend some time listening to what your head is saying.

Yeah, that's why I smoked pot. It didn't shut my head up, but it did numb what my head was saying to the point where it didn't matter. It disguised the pain with humor. Everything was funny when I was high, and it was easy to be distracted.

When I found that I had no choice but to quit, I found that I also had no choice but to listen.


Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

#240368 - 07/26/08 05:38 PM Re: What am I missing? [Re: BJK]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Mike-
I have a friend who's a vet, and who lost the use of an arm and leg from a "bouncing betty"... after struggling with a nasty addiction to pain meds and booze, he said the thing that made it so hard was not the physical, but the mental/emotional stuff- the feelings of being useless, damaged, cast away as an embarassing reminder of what can go wrong; the feeling of "no one else knows, understands, or cares- so why should i?"
We turn toward whatever's in easy reach, as long as we get even the briefest respite from the pain. I've had my own battles with drinking (and smoking, Bryan)- to be numb is seemingly easier than the alternative. Choice has always been an issue, too- If i want to run across to the store and pick up a couple twelve-packs, or call someone i know to snag an 8th (pot)- nothing other than myself is there to stop me. No doctor or other authority figure would recommend i do this- which makes it all the more attractive in my twisted viewpoint. It's easy to convince yourself, "My situation is unique, so therefore I'm the only one who knows best what i need. Screw what others say/think." While the problems caused by drinking etc. may seem far more controllable than what lives in our heads 24/7, the cost becomes unbearable after a while; leaving one more helpless, panicky and confused in the long run- another issue on top of what's already there to deal with.
I understand why you do what you do, and don't have any magic wand to wave to solve it- other than suggesting to try remembering how much your body is as much "you" as your mind, and would be grateful for not having to deal with alcohol. I re-quit drinking etc. not long ago, and the first week was the hardest- my system refused to sleep, there was every urge to just "calm things down" w/ a few beers- but after that passed, i felt far better; things grew more manageable. I hope something in this post helps a little; if not, i'm sorry- just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#240385 - 07/26/08 07:01 PM Re: What am I missing? [Re: dgoods]
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5411
Loc: Washington State

That is what is a challenge that you cannot remove or add one thing an it all gets better. It's about making simple changes that a both healthy and beneficial for your entire life. I would encourage you to look deeper for answers then a bottle. The answers are out there for you an for all of us, but as we always hear "Nothing worth doing is easy." Continue to challenge your self an look for answers that last more then a bottle.

Good luck!

lots of love, Nathan

#240391 - 07/26/08 07:43 PM Re: What am I missing? [Re: Nathan LaChine]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO

After I quit smoking pot and crack, and cut way down on my use of alcohol, I began to notice that a lot of people in my life became uncomfortable with the new me, who was becoming a lot more difficult to walk all over than I had been in the past. There were more than a few angry confrontations and a number of those people I do not have contact with at this time. Somehow I have resolved my issues with my mother to the point where we talk on the phone at least once per week and I visit her at least once or twice per year. That is part of the reason for my August trip to Vegas and LA. I have managed to establish healthy boundaries in my relationship with my mother, which she continues to test fairly regularly. The 1000 miles of separation has really helped me, because 20 years ago I learned the hard way that 25 miles wasn't enough. I now have control over my own life and the skills to be substantially free my mother's ongoing manipulation.

My old girlfriend back in 1997 always wondered why we couldn't just cut-down on our crack habits. Once someone has had problems because of a substance that they ingested there is no such thing as control over that substance. A guy that I knew years ago said this of crack addiction: "One hit is too much and a thousand bucks worth ain't enough". Hard to believe that he was my dealer at that time.

Maybe it is time to look for some new ways to cope, and maybe some new friends to hang with.

Your friend,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark


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