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#23974 - 03/05/02 10:47 PM It's been a while.....
tjcowden Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/02
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
I haven't written in quite a long while but must say that I feel I've made huge strides. Just to catch people up to speed and also hope to get a little more understanding I thought it appropriate to write something.

This past year has been a whirlwind for me, both physically and mentally. My wife and I are divorcing-but for different reasons. I admitted to her that I had had encounters with two separate men (one time only with each) and although she said that she forgave me she would turn around and do things to get back at me. She went to the local police and told them that I may have molested our oldest son who was 2 1/2 at the time. She later told them that I actually had molested him and that she witnessed it. She recanted the following day but it was too late. The damage was done. Of course as some of us may already know, because I was molested as a child then that was all that was needed for everyone to believe that I was in fact guilty. My two sons were then taken into protective custody by DSS. This was in June 2001. The court case was held in September and the judge dismissed everything. I now have a 50/50 joint custody with my estranged wife. I was also charged with 2 felony counts of sexual assault on a minor and spent a night in jail. That case is still pending. Word has it that the DA wants to dismiss the case but wants the judge to do it. I'm assuming they are too embarassed to dismiss a case that they proceeded with without a shread of evidence.

When all this began I was horribly depressed and wrote about my orientation. I couldn't understand how a straight guy would find looking at men gratifying. I would come back here and see responses to my questions and sort through the stuff that was written. I've since stopped going to counseling because he seems to want me to be gay. Sorry guys-I'm not. I've found alot of peace with myself and have recommitted myself to a walk with Christ. I know at this point many of the folks here will stop reading and start criticizing. So be it. That reality is not mine. I'm not here to shove religion down anyone's throat, but I have never felt the amount of peace that I feel right now. I've come to realize that the struggles with orientation were a result of the abuse. I still fight at times to view porn. It's still difficult but I've been through more difficult circumstances and I know that this too will subside.

This has been the most difficult yet in many ways rewarding year of my life. I get stronger every day and hope that my struggles may somehow help someone else out there.

Thank you all for your help.

#23975 - 03/06/02 12:49 AM Re: It's been a while.....
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Congratulations on the strides you have taken and on your recommitment to Christ. I, like you, am a believer and know the comfort and help by faith gives me. I wish you well as your legal problems are continuing and pray the the truth will win out for you.

Welcome back. Stop by the chat some time. I know it has been helpful for me.


[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Kenf ]

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#23976 - 03/06/02 01:29 AM Re: It's been a while.....
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Even though I'm not a religious person, I know the strength and peace that many of my fellow survivors have gotten through their respective religions. I congratulate you for your achievements so far and I sincerely hope that you are undeniably absolved of the false charges leveled against you. It is amazing to me how the fact of being abused as a child automatically prejudices people to believe that someone could be a perpetrator. I think if the true numbers of men that were abused were known the public and the legal system would see that the vast majority of the male survivors are good people and are definitely not perpetrators.

On another note, I would encourage you to find another therapist, one who supports your beliefs and actions and does not have a bias one way or the other as far as orientation. I believe that having someone to talk to who is non-judgemental and supportive is very helpful in my personal recovery and growth and could be in yours too.

Take good care of yourself and I hope that everything comes out all right.


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#23977 - 03/07/02 03:01 PM Re: It's been a while.....
still 12 Offline

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167

#23978 - 03/08/02 05:32 AM Re: It's been a while.....
Christian Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/21/01
Posts: 26
Loc: Marion IN
I don't mean to take forom your post, it is awesome that God is working your life in such a way. But you brouhgt up a point htta I would like to speak on. I am on sprign break now trapped at home. I am alone all day by myself with no one to talk to and no friends to hang around.
I don;t knwo which order to say this. I am not gay, btu I do struggle with homosexuality. I do not want to be, btu I cannot shake. I am always afraid of what will people think of me, espesially sinceI am at a christian college. I am in therapy, but I am not a patient person and tis just not happening soon enough. I want change. I want to be "normal." I guess what is making this even harder for me is aI did look at porn today and I regret it now. I am just ashamed. ANYWAY is there anyone who has made it throuhg this? Any advice that they can give me?
Again kodos to you tjcowden for being able to make it this far, I would have buckeled long ago if I were in your shoes.
With God's Love

This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.

#23979 - 03/09/02 06:41 PM Re: It's been a while.....
Bruce Blank Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/25/02
Posts: 4
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
Aloha,TJC ;
I read your posting with great interest. I, too, when I came out as an incest survivor, had that information used to take my two daughters away from me, on the fears from my then-wife that I would molest them.That was many years ago now.
I, like yourself, also turned to Christ, and established some deep spiritual roots that have changed over time, deeped and grown to maturity. I am hopeful for you to be exhonerated of the charges.
I am writing to briefly share my view on accepting a sexual identity in the wake of all this trama. It took me a long time to accept that I was attracted to men and women on different occations, and to gradually learn that, however I got that way, it's just what is. The issue of what 'triggers' a person's sexual nature is still being hotly debated. In the end, I believe it is a case of self discovery and self acceptance. I have since moved to a different spiritual path that included celebrating all people of all sexual orientations.
So, perhaps, I am suggesting that you, like the vast majority of people, are to more or less a degree bisexual. And by that term, I don't mean you have to be totally a 50/50 bar...lot's of people are more 'het' or 'gay' but whereever you are, it should be that you find a path of light that loves and accepts you for WHO you are.
I also know that there are branches of Christians who accept les/bi/gay/trans individuals as members. Perhaps if your heart calls you to that place, you can find love and self-acceptance there.
In either event, God bless you and keep you - we are loved no matter what we are.


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