...I'm getting the initial impression that not many people here were molested by their grandfather.
This is my first time here, and it's taken me months to go from receiving the link to this site in my inbox from my girlfriend (can't use GF to refer to my girlfriend, considering the topic) to signing up and surfing the boards. But I'm finally here, because in the 1970s and possibly early 80s my mom's dad molested me.
It feels selfish to expect to read about others who have had this same particular familial relationship result in CSA. But on the other hand, in some sick way, it feeds my ever-present need to feel unique in a crowd. Thanks, I guess.
My grandpa was a missionary (christian, but not catholic) in a remote 3rd world location. I'm reluctant to mention the exact location because there are others here who may know who he was, because he molested a lot of children, including my mother. It wouldn't surprise me if other male members of my family are on this board.
Anyways, he died last year. It took my mom six months to bother to get around to telling me he had died. Since that point I've been pretty angry, and in January of this year I stopped talking to my mom altogether. It's not the first time I've gone a stretch without talking to her. I had no contact with her from early 1999 to late 2004.
The legacy of my grandpa's abuse led in part to my parents' divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage, and in part to my dad's untimely death from cancer in his early 50s. My dad and I were only starting to become friends when cancer took his life in a span of less than two years. I can't forgive you for that, grandpa.
And I know he abused you too, mom, but you didn't have to let him do it to me. Our family lived 5000 miles away from him, and you still let him in our family's house, knowing what he would do. No wonder dad went nuts when he found out. It's a miracle dad didn't kill or even physically attack anyone. I have an immense respect for my dad now that I couldn't conceive of 20 years ago. I can't forgive you, mom.
It feels like my existence is grinding down under the weight of this burden, and I'm struggling to maintain my sanity and my years-long romance with my beautiful girlfriend. She's justifiably losing patience: what man should ask a woman to bear this terrible thing that she's borne for over 3 years now?
So anyways, that's just part of what I'm dealing with. I'm here to help myself in some way, because I really do love my girlfriend and she's the only person I have in this world, and I'm driving her away with my dysfunctional existence. I have a pretty cool kitty now too. His name's Fred; he's been a good presence since I returned home 3 weeks ago.
I don't know if I want to be alone again. Between my current girlfriend and my previous one, I've not been alone since 1996. But in my depressions I often believe myself to be better off alone, since I can't ruin my girlfriend's life - or anyone's life - if I'm not in it.
Thanks for letting me share. I guess I'll be around.
to accept is to give up.