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#239254 - 07/21/08 03:56 AM Two?
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I've never read a post which accurately described my state of consciousness. I've read about detachment and numb, but does anyone actually feel as if they are two people?

I'm not talking about multiple personalities. Instead, it's as if I have no free will, or I am merely observing my life. There is one me who acts, and there is one me which analyzes everything I do.

I was sexually abused for two years by a gym teacher. I don't remember exactly how often I was raped, but we had gym class twice a week, and my gut tells me that the sexual abuse occurred frequently. There was a pool in our school, and I know that I rarely went in it. He brought me to the locker rooom while my classmates swam.

During and after the abuse I stopped talking almost completely. I lost most of my social skills. I did well in school, actually much better following the abuse, but my thoughts were mad. I had gruesome, grotesque nightmares every single night. I developed almost stalker-like love obsessions with people. I starved myself and became handsome around fifteen, but I still didn't know how to hold a conversation with anyone. I took long walks, hoping to bump into someone to seduce me.

At eighteen, the nightmares suddenly ended. Over a few years, I gradually regained my sanity. But there is still a gap in me, in the region where a personality should have developed. I never really feel "there." I know how others see me, but I don't know who I am.

At nineteen, I wrote a poem called "Alex and I." My name isn't Alex, by the way, but I chose it to represent my exterior self. One of the lines has always stuck with me:

"That is not me in the mirror, it is a symphony of their errors."

I meant that when others look at me, their own biases and insecurities are reflected in what they see. I know that I am not that. But what's inside has never been constant. Once I cried all the time. Then, I became strangely unemotional. Once I was dumb, then I became one of the smartest in my class. Once I was crazy, then I became compulsively logical. I am nothing now, at twenty-six, like I was at sixteen. When I was sixteen, I was nothing like I was at six, two years before the abuse started.

So, I've accepted that I am two parts. "I" watch at a distance, while "I" interact with the world. I was so hypersensitive and timid for so long that it's the only way I know how to function.

Is it wrong? Someone lived through that horrific childhood. But he was so hurt, so warped. He died around eighteen, and that was the last time I considered myself "one."

#239256 - 07/21/08 05:04 AM Re: Two? [Re: Bewlayb1]
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
It sounds like me all over again. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I lost my social skills as well. I still struggle to gain them. I had to put myself out there and involve my self in social situations to learn again. And yes, I still do struggle with it at times but I am much better off than I was before.

I still feel that compulsive stalker feeling as well. I choose not to act on it though. It is hard but learning, that you do have a free will and standing by what you know is right is key. It is hard but after repetition, it becomes second nature and you'll feel much better about yourself.

Question? when you obsess about someone, do they happen to have traits that you wish you could have? Just something to think about. Make what you want of it.

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

#239306 - 07/21/08 02:32 PM Re: Two? [Re: endlessjourney]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I still obsess over people, but it is definitely not like it used to be. It doesn't have the same air of neediness and desperation.

Now that you mention it, my obsessions did have qualities I wished I possessed. The first was attractive and charming when I was practically mute. The second was popular and well-liked. The third was incredibly intelligent, independent and sarcastic. There were a few in between, but these were the major ones.

The odd thing was that, as I changed, I eventually adopted their qualities. It was particularly true with the final crush. Over the years I have become increasingly caustic, eloquent and self-reliant.

I can't say what it means. I'm just glad it's over, for the most part.


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