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#239 - 07/28/03 01:26 PM show love
MM Offline

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
Iím new here. my gf told me about this forum, I don't know what Iím supposed to write, I just love her so much I don't want to lose her. She says she loves me back, but how can she love me, I can't have sex with her. Sheís the most wonderful thing in my life. I hate my parents so much, I can't have a normal relationship wit her because of them. They live so happily together and I can't even make love with the woman I love... I think she'll end up leaving me.

I don't want to talk about what happened to me, she's the only one I trust, but I can't tell her everything, sheíll be so disgusted with the things Iíve done ... I was so young ... I hate them, why did they do to me? I was their only child.

My gf loves kids, but I can't have any kids, I know Iíll end up doing the same to them. I can't tell her these things, she thinks Iím normal and that I like sex, but Iím so afraid of it, I don't want to hurt her. I donít know how to make love, but I want to show her how much I love her.

#240 - 07/28/03 02:09 PM Re: show love
zadok1 Offline

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
to begin, there are a whole mess of us who have been through unspeakable things. fortunately, the sexual abuse wasnt anyone in my family, so i can't really imagine how hard that would be. as screwed up as we sometimes are, at least i have the support of my family.

now, i can adress the relationship thing some. i didnt tell my wife, and went into things hiding behind a lie. it was a huge mistake. the best thing i ever did was coming out to her, telling her the whole truth. yes, it hurt, but she supported me, and brought us closer. marriage and relationships are a matter of total, brutal, and complete honesty, by nature. which is better, keeping silent and loosing her for all the wrong reasons, or speaking the truth? you might loose her if she knew the whole truth, but then you might find the greatest gift in the world, true love and support. i took the chance, and in my case, i found love and support. it's not always perfect, but it is honest, open love.


The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

#241 - 07/28/03 02:12 PM Re: show love
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

Welcome. I am sorry for the reason that brought you here but I am very glad you found us.

From what you say it seems that the only person you have ever confided in has been your girlfriend, and only a part of your sexual abuse.

Believe me you are not alone. We have all struggled with the pain, humiliation, disgust and self loathing that prevents us from crying out.

One of the important things to realize is that whatever happened it was never your fault, not ever. What was done to you was for the gratification of others and no thought was ever given to you as a person. From your dialogue it would seem that it was your parents. These are people who should have loved and nurtured you. Had that been the case you would not be where you are now.
don't want to talk about what happened to me, she's the only one I trust, but I can't tell her everything, sheíll be so disgusted with the things Iíve done
MM what you did was done because others used power and control to get what they wanted. What could you have possibly done. Nothing. Who could you have told. Your friends. Not a chance. And the reason is that you conditioned to a certain behavior. And the reason was to keep you quiet. And this you have done until now. Their control is still in place but it is starting to show signs of cracks. You are here.

Now your girlfriend has seen this site and recommended it to you. She can understand, if not know, where you have been.

You are in the right place MM. So read, listen, post ask and join us on this hike to a better place. It is a difficult hike but it is worth taking. There will be bumps along the way but we are here to help you pick yourself up and move on.

There are a terrific bunch of men, young and old, here that collectively have a vast amount of understanding, knowledge and compassion. They are never judgemental. They are concerned and they are honest. Collectively we also have a love for one another. The kind of love true brothers can share. We come from all parts of the Globe, many religions, and comprise a cross section of sexual persuasions. But we are all here for each other. Your being here and talking, although you do not realize it, is a very big deal for us. You have given us your trust and that is a huge thing for us. And we will honour that trust.

The leaders of MS ORg are a terrific bunch of people. They have given all of us the opportunity to speak freely of our past and are the guardians for us. On the first page of the web site there is an abundance of information under vearious headings. Have a look at them all. They will be of benefit to you.

There are people like Thad, Lloyd, The Dean,Tallsteve who are terrific moderators. There is Fred the Webmaster who does so much I wonder if he has time for himsel. The Board of Directors are tireless in their efforts to help.

You see MM you are no longer alone. You are now a part of us. There is nothing that you have done or have had done to you that we as a group have not experienced. It was a terrible thing that was done to you. Your very core was coated with evil. And that is what it was EVIL. Together we can wash our innerself clean and live life; not merely pass through it.

Your brother



#242 - 07/28/03 02:47 PM Re: show love
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Welcome to MaleSurvivor, MM.

All that Mike said about the abuse and living with the effects of the sexual abuse offers us a powerful way to begin to free ourselves from the pain and confusion of our past trauma.

What happened was not your fault. Period.

I felt very much the same way as you seem to feel for many, many years. I was sexually abused over a period of years by a man who was a surrogate father to me, a leader in my faith and someone I loved and respected very much. He was 55 and I was 15.

For so long, I have felt guilty because while he was having sex with me, I would become aroused. It felt good to have him close to me. So it was easy for me to convince myself that it was my own fault for not telling, for not resisting, for 'enjoying' it.

My experience has been that once I was able to let go of that false sense of responsibility and see clearly that it is ALWAYS the responsibility of the adult to observe appropriate behavior in regard to children, it has been so much easier to start to unravel the tangle of painful emotions.

You're in the right place, MM. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but am so glad you found a place to speak up.

Finding my voice was a critical step in beginning to recover from the effects of sexual abuse.

It appears that you have found yours! Keep sharing and coming here. You will find a lot of
comfort, strength and hope.

You don't have to carry the burden alone any more.

We have a personal message system on this site where you can write one-on-one. If you're more comfortable with that, please feel free to PM me or any of us.

Take it easy, buddy. Be gentle with yourself. You've been through a lot of trauma and deserve some TLC.

Welcome, MM.

Your brother in recovery,

"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#243 - 07/28/03 03:31 PM Re: show love
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

I'm glad you decided to check this place out. You've found some of the most beautiful caring people in the world. They have been a source of strength and solace for me time and again since I first came here.

It takes a lot of work to climb out of the kind of hole where sexual abusers throw innocent children. It's a difficult climb, and very painful at times. There are guys here who are further in the climb, and can point out the toe holds. Sometimes, they help me just hang on during my climb, and that's invaluable when I need it.

MM, please take some time to look around. The guys that have already written to you are fantastic people, and their understanding and concern is genuine. Like me, they have been through sexual abuse and know how it feels. Like me, they care about the pain of others who have endured such agony. Like me, they will be here for you.

Thanks for taking that brave step. We're a better place for having you here.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#244 - 07/28/03 04:34 PM Re: show love
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
MM - Sorry for the abuse and trauma that was forced on you but really glad you found this place and had the courage to speak up. This is a place where very unspeakable things happened to very good people. I add my support of all the guys here on the site for their help and advice so freely shared...they are good people.

I also feel the deep shame, guilt and rotten feelings that you carry, MM. I carried those same ugly, horrible, fearful terrors for many many years myself. I beat my self up, fearing anybody would learn "my secret" because if anyone knew, I would simply not exist!! But I found to get away from those fears, I had to face them... let them know I knew they were there but I wasn't letting them win. Now, it took time...a lot of support...because they kept fears and ugliness attacking me. I share this because I want you realize for sure you are not alone. Many of us were victims of family members! We will understand...because we've been there too! The truth is (as Mikey said) it was NOT your fault no matter what lies your fears try to feed you!! There are others - you are not alone! We are here to support all the brothers who were abused.

Thanks for speaking out, speaking up and looking us over!! Perhaps, join and be part of our journey together!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#245 - 07/28/03 06:31 PM Re: show love
BT Offline

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Welcome MM, As others have already said I too am sorry for what brought you here, but it is a very good place to find.

I would encourage you to spend some time reading past posts and the articles on this site. You are not alone in your feeling and your views. It is not an easy or short journey to healing but it is possible and it will happen if you put in the work.

You will not find a group of more careing and supporting guys than here at MS.

Having someone you can talk to is a really big deal. Having a GF that went to the trouble of finding this place and telling you about it means you have someone who cares about you and is probably pretty prepared, if she looked around here at all, for the issues you face.

I wish you the very best and encourage you to post your questions, feelings, and concerns.

You are no longer alone.


"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

#246 - 07/28/03 08:29 PM Re: show love
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Welcome MM,

Most of what I have to say here has pretty much been covered by the other guys who responded, but I belive it's important for you to hear it again.

First and foremost: It wasn't ever, EVER your fault. You NEVER deserved that kind of treatment, no child does.

Just because you were abused MM doesn't mean that you will hurt other children. I spent most of my life believing that because I had been abused I would abuse someone else. I was wrong. You aren't destined to abuse a child just because you were abused.

If you do tell your girlfriend MM she probably will be disgusted, but not at you. She will likely by disgusted at how your parents mistreated you, how they destroyed thier trust and damaged your ability to love.

Look around MM and read the posts. I'm sure you'll find a lot sound like feelings you yourself have had (that was the case with me anyway.) there is a great bunch of very caring guys here willing to help.


#247 - 07/28/03 11:02 PM Re: show love
MM Offline

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
My parents made me hate myself and the rest of the world. Thatís has been my whole life, till Iíve found my gf, sheís the only one I wasnít afraid to be with. I donít know why, it just was that way since the beginning. I try to be very lovely to her, to show her that I love her that I canít live without her, but sometimes Iíve been unable to be the emotionally supportive partner that she deserves. I trust her, but I canít break my silence about the most disgusting events in my life. Iím so scared of what she may thinks of me, itís not like I was abused only when I was a little boy, my fucking dad raped me from 4 till I was 16!

Yesterday we had lunch in a restaurant near the lake, there were so many families and couples Ö the women seemed so happy, Iím not sure if I make my gf so happy. Sheís got a great family, she loves everybody, her cousins, brothers, parents, uncles and aunts, and she had something that I know Iíll never be able to give her. Sheís so maternal, I watched her watching the kids playing on the beach Ö Iíd like to have a happy family too, but I'll never feel safe enough to have children, Iím not able to express emotion to them, while she hugs and kiss all kids, Iím scared to death to be seen hugging them, I donít want them to fear that I may be a molester. How can I say that to her, that I wonít be able to give her a baby?

In the last week Iíve been suffering from headaches that lasted for days or longer, I canít sleep or eat anything. My gf thinks that itís related to all this shit, Iím not sure. I donít want to talk to any therapist, I really donít believe they can help me, I donít think thereís something they can do to make all this disappear. Thatís the only thing I really wanted Ö to forget everything and live in peace. Iíve read some of the posts, but not all; Iím not sure what Iím supposed to do now. Iíve asked my gf to come to my home tonight and stay with me, but the thought that Iíll fail again with her is freaking me out Ö I love her so much, but everytime we start to make love, I have those images coming back ... I can't do anything. Iíve tried everything I know, itís the least I can do for her, she has given so much to me but Iíve been a total disappointment to her.

#248 - 07/29/03 12:56 AM Re: show love
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm so proud of your girlfriend for persuading you to come here, and I'm just as proud of you for doing it.
Telling her about your abuse, and your first posts here are possibly the bravest, and hardest, things you'll ever have to do.

Your last post was so full of emotion, and I can hardly begin to imagine what you're feeling right now.
I can remember my disclosures to my wife, and I nearly freaked.

One thing that touched me deeply was your fear of becoming an abuser. I don't think you will.
That's a bold statement for a stranger to make for sure. BUT - you fear it, you express the fear, you've made the first steps towards your recovery by disclosing and coming here.
Abusers don't do those things. They stay silent, stay in their secret world, and generally only seek help after they've been found out.

I had the same fear, I didn't trust myself with kids. I feared that I was going to continue the cycle.
So I never had kids. I deprived my wife- and myself- of having children. And like your girlfriend my wife adores kids and would have been a wonderful mother.

But I didn't disclose to her until we'd been married for 25 years and we were nearly 50. So it was too late.
I do feel bitter about that now, the bastards who abused me deprived us of being parents.
You two are much younger I think, and with the right help and support I bet you will become great parents.

The support and help you need is proper proffesional help. Seek out a good therapist who's got experience of SA ( sexual abuse )
I know you said you don't think a therapist can help, but the evidence say's different, I don't think there are many guys here who have done without therapy of one kind sometime in their lives.
We do have different views and experiences of therapy for sure, but I know I couldn't have got to the place I am today without it. All I did for over 30 years was think myself in circles.
I kep trying the same things to "get over it" and I expected it to work each time. But why would it ? it didn't work the first time, so why keep trying ?
But I did.

Eventually I reached a point where I was about to sink without trace, the choices were stark.
I would either get caught cruising for sex with strange men, and lose everything, there was suicide , or I could get help. I chose help.
Like you have.

With help, over about 4 or 5 years now, I have stopped the cruising, controlled the fantasies that took me there, the flashbacks are easing off, I suffer less depression, I have regained my self esteem and I enjoy my life.
It's NOT an impossible dream MM, and I'm not an exception I promise you.

You have a great head start, your girlfriend must care deeply for you. And from the way you write you don't seem 'stupid'. Use your talents, call on your girlfriends support, use our support and advice.
A bit of effort won't harm you, but doing nothing will.

And don't believe anyone who say's they can make you forget. Nothing any therapist, or group like this, can ever do will make any of us forget what happened to us.
But what is possible is control.

We can, and do, control our memories - or at least the way we deal with and process our memories.
We regain control of them, and they can do us no harm when we have control.

Stick with us MM, join us in regaining control.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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