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#238363 - 07/15/08 10:14 PM trust
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
My name is Michael Banks and I am male survivor. I have coming been to this site for about a month. I have responded to some of the topics that have sparked my interest. I have posted a few but nothing too revealing.
I have alot of trust issues and I perfer not to be noticed. But I am tired of being on the fringes were I have spent most of my life.
I am feeling alot of fear.
At the age of 14.My mother asked me if my perp had every touched me? I told her yes . All she said was oh! and turn away and never said anything again about it till the day she died.
I guess what I am saiding is i am here letting it all hang out. Please don't abandoned me. I need your help!!!
I am tired of living in isolation but that is where I feel safe.
I have alot of problems with maintaining relations. There is a part of me that wants close fiendships but if anything triggers my old fears of being hurt I am gone in a flash. Until I can come to terms with what is going on inside of myself and most people don't understand what's going on.
My abuse happened almost forty tears ago at times my reactions to it are still controlling my life.
I am sorry it has taken awhile to open up but I always have to check things out and feel safe with a new things before i will risk trusting.
Trusting is something I am not good at -especially with people.

To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#238373 - 07/15/08 11:07 PM Re: trust [Re: michael banks]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

I feel you have allready made a "huge" step in putting some of your story into words.

Your story is so familiar to mine, what you said almost scares me to death, no less tears. I kept my CSA secret for 39 years. If it wasn't for the nightmares that started to take over my life, I think I would still be living this big dark secret. Still living in isolation from the entire world, Still living a life of secrets and lies.

I can only suggest that you try to get professional help. Male Survivor is a great place to start and to open up. But I think for me it was just one part of alot of parts that I had to do. My determination is just that. I want to live the rest of my life as ME. AS WHO I REALLY AM. Not who the world wants me to be or who I should be for my family/friends.

I have come a long way over the past 10 months.

I know you can open up to yourself and to others. You have taken the first big step and there are many more steps on your journey to an unknown destination.

Recovery is indeed a journey, You are on that road and and I for one am very PROUD of you.

We are all with you.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#238413 - 07/16/08 01:49 AM Re: trust [Re: KENKEN]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Mike, I've found it slow going anytime in my life to really start trusting people, but I feel I've made some good friends here who I can trust very much. I then took what I learned here and took that into a live support group and have found a few I can trust there. The next step for me is taking it into the real world but I think I can do that now.

It has been alot of ups and downs, reading too much into peoples words, letting my issues cloud things. They still do alot, but I've found I can recover so much more quickly.

I think learning to trust is the first thing we have to do and I think you took a great step already with you're post. There are some great people here Mike, I think this is the best place to start trusting.

Stay strong


#238414 - 07/16/08 01:55 AM Re: trust [Re: michael banks]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
mike, stop it you're making me cry. the day you came to male survivor you turned your back on isolation. the day you joined as a member you made a statement to us and to the world that you are committed to your healing; and that means you are committed to our healing as well. you bring so much compassion and poignancy to the male survivor site. your vulnerability moves me to tears. the voices are lying to you. keep following whatever it was that you put your faith and trust in to allow you to bare your wounded, weary soul to us in the first place. you are a welcome addition and a true commodity to this community. i always feel a heart palpitation when i see that you've posted, because i know that when i read that you have written will be a balm for my soul. thanks for being here and for inspiring us to keep on keeping on.

your brother in recovery,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#238415 - 07/16/08 01:56 AM . [Re: KENKEN]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:04 PM)

#238422 - 07/16/08 02:21 AM Re: trust [Re: michael banks]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Mike,

This is awesome that you are at a point now where you are able to share with us some of your story. Mike, it is amazing how freeing it is to talk about these deep, deep secrets that have a devastated effect on us. They have haunted us all our lives but when we are finally able to crack open the tomb containing these dark secrets they begin, if only a little at a time, to loose their power over us. I hope and trust you are feeling the release that comes from sharing with us.

I am proud of you for taking the courage and the risk to open up more to us. We are brothers. We care for you just as you have begun caring for us. Thank you bro! Let's continue this journey of recovery together!

You are strong!

My Story

#238438 - 07/16/08 03:40 AM Re: trust [Re: michael banks]
LN3(SS) Offline

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
My victimization left such scars about trust that I would not want to inflict them on anyone else by abandoning them. I can identify with what you have written here so much that I might have written the majority with my own hand. I just felt the need to say thanks for writing a lot of my emotions in your post...saved me a lot of time today, lol.

"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

#238573 - 07/17/08 12:37 AM Re: trust [Re: LN3(SS)]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

I just want to let you know I'm here to support you. I believe that recovery is next to impossible, to do alone. It's also highly inneffective.

To be blatantley honest sometimes recovery is a rough road, but there are several gifts alone the way.

I read somewhere, "The best revenge, is living a good life."

I for ONE, AM NOT going to allow my abusers to CONTROL how I live my life. (TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY). There obviously NOT deserving that much respect of POWER.




Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez


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