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#238056 - 07/14/08 12:51 PM Bad Weakend
LW1527 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I never thought this would happen to me. I look back over the past several days and see how much in denial I had been. I read, I journaled, I wrote letters to dead parents, and then it hit me. The realization that I was sexually abused all though years hit inside my gut. A wave of confusion, being dazed. just wanting to lie there on the couch or bed in horror as if it had just happened came over me. My legs were like jello and I couldn't get my balance. Everything seemed as if it were slow motion. I had no emotion, not even sad. Last night I started to write again and wrote, "Why me?" I never thought I would ever say those words, but it made sense to say them now. At night, I would wake up feeling like my dad just got done with me, as if he just left the room. The next morning I couldn't look at anyone when I went to church. I kept my eyes down so they couldn't see the shame. Boy, shame! Filth! CONFUSION!!!!! This is where I am today. I can't even cry for the little guy, for me. I feel dead inside.

#238058 - 07/14/08 01:04 PM Re: Bad Weakend [Re: LW1527]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
LW, it may not be any consolation, but this is a very good and important step.

to have the reality of its impact on you over the years suddenly appear as if someone turned on the light, is a gift! you would not be receiving it if you were not at the ready point.

so be grateful, because now, once you get your bearing, you will start to make remarkable progress. and no, that will not be all peaches and cream, but you will at least begin to experience more and more freedom from the tethering past as you start to put the pieces of the puzzle together and it all begins to make sense.

now that you realize that there ARE pieces you will start to see them more clearly, and they will fall into place over time. this will give you the power to rethink your response to power the abuse has over you; to reclaim and refocus your power.

keep sharing your healing journey with us!

maybe join a healing circle....they have helped many people.

i'm feeling it with you my brother,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#238071 - 07/14/08 02:12 PM Re: Bad Weakend [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Why you?

For my Father, and I'd guess for yours, it was you probably because you were available, the perpetrator was incredibly insecure (I mean in an 'infantile' sense) and got off on the taboo of it, and he had the power to feel he could do it and get away with it.

Creepy huh? Well, it's HIS creepiness, not yours. And it is not your shame to carry.

I would say 'Oh he's the one who felt shame' but very often these guys don't feel any shame at all. They're quite possibly incapable of feeling something as exquisitely 'other centered' as shame. They're narcissistic. They don't really put other people into their mental equations - just themselves, someone they treat as an 'object', and putting the person(object) and what they want together.

Edited by hogan_dawg (07/14/08 02:20 PM)
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003


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