I think that I am the freak all the time, like I am the one who always was different in the family, like some black sheep.
Sometimes my mind just blocks past events that were really humiliating to me, probably as he sees himself as not quite right.
I ran away in life as a child, just to be alone somewhere, and stay away from home where they just want to protect me.
My childhood could just be like some fight within himself, like he does not know what happens.
He did his best to be good, but he does things that he never knows he does, like running away, and thinking that his house and World is not so much a safe place to be.
How can he be good, when he does so many bad things, and he cannot relate to bad things he does, like he tries so much to be good as a kid.
Daddy loves me one minute and then he scorns me for things I do not know. Is this a common emotion that a kid goes through, when they just cannot communicate with a parent? I think so.
I was the kid who pissed himself in the street, so he wears incontinence aids, he soiled the bed and my parents get mad.
But I suppose it was because I so much feared the darkness, and it would just so much frighten me to be alone in the bathroom.
Then I listen from my bed that I am so bad that my parents cannot put up with my behaviour, and when I get downstairs I dont eat breakfast because I am sorting out their problems.
And then they say to me that I cause problems, and that they send me to a home for bad kids, when he tries so much to be a kid, its not easy in his mind so much.
Its not so much easy when your parents and siblings think you are some crazy kid, and it hurts deep, it hurts even more when they say they know what happens!
Deeper still when they say that they put me in a home for naughty boys, like they dont understand and just want to get rid of the problem of me.
Protect me from what? Like it happened, and now I just wanted to be alone with my fears. They thought, my family, that I should just stay at home and deal with it.
Like I could just deal with everyone feeling sorry and stuff, but it never took away the hurt.
Like it happened and my parents say to me that they put me in care, and be away from my problems.
That sucks but that was the ultimatum.
An 11yo boy has no concept of what his parents really mean, and when he sees it as an extension of hurt, then it is really bad.
I often went to school with no breakfast because I was diffusing fights with my parents, and when I get to school I get humiliated by my teacher for being scruffy and stuff.
Its great to be at school and feel so hungry, and also have no sleep for days, but maybe my mask was pretty good, and I would love to have dropped that mask and just be me.
I am sorry that I dont write so good, but it is just things that hurt, and they hurt so bad at the time I write stuff, but it was never I suppose meant to be that way,
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!