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#190273 - 11/07/07 03:49 AM my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child
MDATC Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 7
I need some guidance. My boyfriend was abused as a young boy and has never told anyone. He opened up to me about this about 6 weeks ago and I want to help him. I am not sure where to start or what I can do. I know he needs to talk to someone. He has kept this in for about 18 years.

If someone could offer advice to me on how I should handle the situation and what I can do to help him get the help he needs.

#190638 - 11/09/07 10:30 PM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: MDATC]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1799
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.

If you think he's open to the idea, then finding a therapist is the way to go. You should check out this article - A consumers guide to therapist shopping

Remember that the journey through recovery is long and rough, however, if you are willing and able to stick it out, then he will be even better then the person you fell in love with in the first place.

Good luck, and if you have any other questions then please feel free to send me a private message because I don’t always get a chance to check the discussion board for follow ups, but I receive an email alert for messages.


#190679 - 11/10/07 04:18 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: Curtis St. John]
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5427
Loc: Washington State
His willingness to open up to you is a great start, means you are doing alot of things right in his eyes. I would very much follow Curtis' lead and say if he is willing look into getting a therapist. We have a listing which can be found on our homepage. Be his rock go with him to meet the therapists tell he feels safe and comfortable with him or her. Maybe see if he is willing to come here and talk with other men? Whatever your course of action just be by his side and be the supportive person that you are.

Good luck,

#190809 - 11/10/07 11:43 PM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: Curtis St. John]
MDATC Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 7
Hi Curtis,

Thank you for words of encouragement. This is a very hard situation because of course I want to help him get the help he needs to have a prosperious life. He deserves that just like everyone else in the world.

I have been trying to find out if his medical insurance has some sessions that are covered (he has Kaiser). Do you know much about med. ins. covering things like this. He says that the only reason he hasn't talked to anyone about this (professional) is the cost.

I need the strength from you and fellow survivors to keep me strong. Its very hard for me to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. Sometimes it eats me up and makes me feel very insecure.

#190818 - 11/11/07 01:15 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: MDATC]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
I too have Kaiser insurance and have been in T now for a few sessions. I am covered after my copay so I am thinking your BF should also be covered. In fact I just started a trauma/therapy 4 week class paid for my Kaiser.
Keep talking to Kaiser, I hope you get some help for your BF


From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#194963 - 12/12/07 03:34 PM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: KENKEN]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA

All I can say for your BF is the answers lie is talking about it all. The silence is not his friend. It will be painful I'm afraid. My heart goes out to you both.

I'm the survivor in a 16 year same-sex relationship. My partner has serious complaints about how I am sexually. Ouch. And I have all (it seems) of the child sexual abuse kinds of issues. Specifically, any kind of initiative sexually is real scary for me and I freeze up and get really passive. He hates it. He's delt with it our whole relationship and me my whole life. For years he felt something was wrong with him because I was so.. kind of uninvolved acting. For me, I like sex with him and want him to "run the show" all the time. But I want the same exact thing. He thinks it's incredible boring. I guess it's safe to me. It's the only way I've been able to have a sexual relationship. That passive attitude really didn't work for me with women, who,... I'm attracted to I think, but I have all the confusion over men or women?, role model or sex?, friendship or sex?, attention or sex?, sex or abusive re-enactment?, ... Long story. Hope it's helpful.

But talking, therapy, the book "Victim's No Longer", LOT's of introspective explorations of my "experience" (feelings, body sensations, etc) have helped. Sometimes I can kind of go with my animal instinct. Nobody dies. Nobody even gets hurt. Or scared. Sometimes.

You and my partner might have a lot to talk about.

To you I might add, this is not a simple thing. (Child sexual abuse). Maybe find people to talk to besides your partner (I hear there are groups even, for the partners of survivors). Try not to tell him you just want him to get over it.

I sorry if I'm giving to much advice. I just want to offer my experience in case it's somehow helpful. I hope you two can work it out. There's so much to a relationship with that kind of history. It just grows and grows. Problems can also make you two stronger.

Take care.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#219437 - 04/21/08 10:31 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: LandOfShadow]
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 100
Loc: USA
that's a huge step. i think just having a listening ear is what he initially needs.

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#236907 - 07/09/08 04:49 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: Nate]
carrieann Offline

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4
I'm so glad I have found this site. My husband, of 36 yrs., was abused by his brother, some neighborhood boys, and probably an aunt. My husband has blocked out all memories, has conversion paralysis and is paralyized from the waist down and before the paralysis had psuedo siezures. I found out this was all conversion 4 yrs ago. I had a premonition that his brother was the abuser, I confronted him and he confessed and also told me about the neighborhood boys molesting my husband. My husband has been in therapy for 4 years, but as yet remembers nothing. He does not want to confront his brother and his therapist and myself are the only ones that talk with him about this. He only talks with me because I bring up the topic. How can i help him?? Sometimes I just want to leave, but I love him and constantly pray for his recovery.

#236911 - 07/09/08 05:18 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: carrieann]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
He says the only reason he hasn't talked to anyone is because of the cost.

If it were me, I would hold him gently,and ask him this one simple question.

What, pray tell is more important than your emotional well being?

For me,my sexual abuse, has hindered my job performance. If I don't have the skills, to pay the bills,I've got nothing.

And just remember, courage is not the absence of fear, courage is feeling fear and doing it anyway.

I believe, the first sentence I read on this subject, said something like this. "Now that you have the courage to heal, Know that you Can."

It's a hard road.



Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#237115 - 07/10/08 12:44 AM Re: my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child [Re: 1islandboy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
The fact that your husband has no memories but his abuser/brother does says that he may hold the key for helping your husband. Since you already confronted your brother-in-law and he gave you info that your husband doesn't have, he is in a position to help your husband and maybe help the marriage.

Why not ask his permission to bring up the topic with the therapist, either in a joint session with your husband and the therapist, or allow the therapist to call you for this information?

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

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