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#236004 - 07/05/08 03:30 PM What is the right thing to say?
LittleMiss Offline

Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
It is so hard - I have to be careful because too many "I love you's" and "I'll never leave you's" make him feel trapped. If I disagree with his skewed self image, then I "don't believe him" after he has just been honest about something. But something as simple as "I miss you" means that he is worthless and terrible at our relationship. And if I say "you are hurting my feelings" then of course I'm being mean and trying to make him feel worse. If I don't say anything, then it is because I don't care. It is such a high/dangerous tight rope that we walk.

I know how I feel, but what am I supposed to say? Opinions from spouses/girlfriends? Opinions from survivors?


The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

#236012 - 07/05/08 03:44 PM Re: What is the right thing to say? [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I don't really have any suggestions for you, I just wanted to let you know that I understand. To me it's the old saying "your damned if you do, damned if you don't."
Are you in any counseling, with him or by yourself? I see a T on my own, which helps me sort out my thoughts, and we have just started seeing someone together. Most of my conversations with him end up with me totally confused, if the sky was blue yesterday, and I think I get it, today it is red, and he never told me it was blue in the first place. That leaves me where? In his eyes delusional.
Sorry I couldn't help,I will think of you, NYDAISY

#236019 - 07/05/08 04:04 PM Re: What is the right thing to say? [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline

Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
We are not in any couseling. He refuses to go, he had bad experiences in the past. I've recently been thinking about going on my own.

I know he listens to me. He remembers EVERYTHING I say and will bring something obscure up 2 years after I said it to emphasize a point (usually his point that I am not happy/he doesn't make me happy). Which isn't true.

I get that too - "I never said that", when I KNOW he did. It feels like I'm crazy, but I don't think I am...


The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

#236127 - 07/05/08 10:10 PM Re: What is the right thing to say? [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/06/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
LittleMiss, I would high recommend that you start some counseling on your own. The blame, the lack of emotion, etc. will likely get worse before it gets better, so it will really help you to have someone to talk to, especially if you worry that he will be upset about you being on this site. My H doesn't know about this site (at least to my knowledge). I would love to tell him about it...for his own curiosity but I don't think he is interested in hearing any more of my "amateur psychologist speak".

As far as what to say to him, I worried about the same thing. If he went on a trip, I wanted to tell him I missed him but I wondered if that would be wrong. When I would kiss him back passionately, he'd be surprised that I DID miss him simply because I didn't say anything. I would leave him notes with small comments about how wonderful I think he is, but they would go unacknowledged so I don't know if they pissed him off or made him smile. When I would tell him that I loved him, he wouldn't get upset, but I left me empty because he wouldn't say it in return. In the end though, I realized that it meant something TO ME to express how I felt. I also never wanted to run the risk of him not knowing exactly how I felt about him(especially given the numerous examples where he made assumptions about me that were incorrect). So now I tell him whenever I want. It is hard and I don't think it makes a dent in his mind at all. But, I promised myself a while back that I was going to this my all. Even if the end result is not what I want, at least I will be proud that I never gave up, I never disrespected him, I was always clear and unwaivering in what I wanted/needed, and that I never stopped telling him how much he meant to me.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

#236133 - 07/05/08 10:41 PM Re: What is the right thing to say? [Re: Junefriday]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

We survivors ARE quite the mine-fields aren’t we? You just never know what that next step is going to bring.

It sounds like he's in "reaction-interpretation mode" or "what does she mean by THAT" mode.

You are silent for a whopping hour.....what does that mean? What's wrong with ME that she has said nothing for all this time?

He suggests one place for dinner and you under or over-react with a "yeah...that place sounds good," he'll think, "what did she mean by THAT?....she does not really want to go THERE...she's trying to keep me happy.

I know that I was in that mode because interpreting your reactions and reasoning for the small stuff keeps us on our toes for the big stuff that we may or may never tell you about. Furthermore, if we can accurately interpret your reactions and reasons for the small stuff, we can then (in our minds) extrapolate how you'll handle the big stuff before we even give you the chance to react.

I think all survivors whom I've met are masters of such predictive-reaction-interpretation.

BTW: My predictive reaction interpretation has never been wrong.


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