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#235746 - 07/04/08 04:14 PM Death of a family member of a friend
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I could sure use some advice here. A friend of mine called me this morning to tell me his mother had passed. He has had a very rocky road with her and hasn't spoken to her in a couple of years.

I'm not sure the best way to respond to him. I lost my parents (my father was my abuser) when I was a small kid. And I felt nothing about it. Other family members have died over the years and again, I feel nothing, like they are strangers.

So how do I help someone who grew up with folks, good or bad? I don't know what to say or do. He is my friend, but I did not know his mom or any of his family.

He wasn't crying when he called and just seem depressed. Should I call him later? Should I wait for him to call me? And what do I say?

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#235748 - 07/04/08 04:23 PM Re: Death of a family member of a friend [Re: Tinman]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
my 2 cents

you might call him later - just tell him you were thinking about him and ask if there's any thing he needs. tell him you're going out to the store and wonder if he would like you to pick something up for him. or ask if he'd like to just go have coffee and discuss .... i dunno - whatever the two of you usually talk about.


#235762 - 07/04/08 04:58 PM Re: Death of a family member of a friend [Re: Tinman]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
My Mother died several years ago. She was a very difficult person. This left me with strong mixed feelings.

What do you say to a person who has strong mixed feelings about their Mother when she dies? They still need assurance. The assurance that you care, whatever. They feel very confused and unable to sort out their feelings. They likely have some guilt feelings over things that were said or done and which are now beyond resolution. They probably wish that they had been able to resolve things better before she died. They feel hung up because now there is no more resolution possible.

On one hand my Mom was my Mom and she had given me life and brought me through many years, even though she wasn't perfect. There was a lot of attachment there. As I approached my teen years she became less loving and rather critical. My sister had always been her favorite child. As an adult we would get into angry arguments. Sometimes it seems she deliberately caused these.

What can you do?

1. Assure him you care.

2. Offer to be a listening ear. Let him talk things out. This will help him think things through.


#235777 - 07/04/08 05:38 PM Re: Death of a family member of a friend [Re: pufferfish]
KeithR Offline

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I think this is great advice that was given above.

Sometimes people say "I know how you feel". Of course from you post, you imply that you don't think you know how he feels. Actually everyone reacts a little differently, so no one really knows how anyone else feels. It's just important to let them know you care.


#235808 - 07/04/08 07:50 PM Re: Death of a family member of a friend [Re: KeithR]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I would go ahead and call him in a day or two and ask how he's doing. He will probably appreciate the fact that you acre enough to think of him and check on him, regardless of what his relationship with his mother was like.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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