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#234291 - 06/28/08 03:07 PM Both sons abused by teen niece and friends
nina Offline

Registered: 06/28/08
Posts: 2
Loc: South Fl
I am sick with the devastation this brought on my whole family. I didn't find out until my oldest son was 17 and then he said his brother wasn't molested. However, his brother had so many emotional issues, yesterday he said he thought he was dreaming, he was only 2 or 3! I can't tell you what a mess my house was and is, alcohol, drugs, running away, bi polar, depression, suicide threats. I have begged them to get help, but they won't. Our fights are insane. I am as sick as they are. My older son calls women horrible names and then has sex with all of them. He recently started calling me the C word and W word too. The younger son is actually afraid of women! Help, what can I do?

#234302 - 06/28/08 04:10 PM Re: Both sons abused by teen niece and friends [Re: nina]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I tried to let Trish4850 know that you were here. She was on a little earlier. You could send her a private message by clicking on her username. When the menu comes up click on private message. Trish is the family board's moderator.

I was a victim myself for many years. I had all of the symptoms that you talk about and even a few others. It took me until the age of 29 without any support from my family to find the courage to seek help. My own mother knew when I was 15 and actively tried to suppress what had happened as I was accusing friends from her church. It took me quite a while to get to where I am at today. I am 51 years old now, with the last 8 & 1/2 years being almost completely free from my issues.

You need to become better educated on the issues. On this site they are fond of promoting a book by Mike Lew called Victims No Longer. There is a long-time recognized and published therapist named Mic Hunter in St. Paul, MN who works in a partnership with the Hazelden substance-abuse treatment facility there, or also works in private practice too.

Denial is the first stage of recovery. Getting to the 2nd stage takes the willingness to open-up enough to share a little bit with a therapist. You have got to try to get them off of drugs and away from excessive alcohol use, but that is what they are using to suppress their hurt feelings now. Hazelden has a 24-hour support line for substance-abuse issues, and they run in-house recovery groups for male victim issues. When I was your kid's ages I was so deathly afraid that any of my friends would find out. Hazelden can be reached at 1-800-257-7800. They have a separate center for young people in Plymouth, MN. They are a well-respected facility and are a bit on the expensive side, but they also sponsor people on occasion.

There are early issues for your sons. They may have problems with trusting others, and may have problems with supportive touching. Mic Hunter always tells anyone to ask permission to touch victims in early recovery. They may be hyper-alert to loud noises. Mic's first book is called Abused Boys. I found it helpful when it first came out 18 years ago. Do you notice either of your sons drifting away, like in the middle of a conversation? That is also a recovery issue called dissociation.

I feel badly when I hear of another case, because the recovery road often takes some time, and facilities for male victims tend towards the limited side. Some colleges offer free or low-cost counselling to their students. I don't know what to tell you about south Florida. Denver has an above-average level of awareness of this issue, and has had a couple of longtime foundations devoted to child abuse issues. There is the Kempe Foundation and the Wings Foundation here, plus a couple of treatment facilities and several specialized therapists.

Anyway, you have found a place where most of us are a really caring and supportive bunch. On the member side of the forum there is a special teen forum which your kids could access if they asked one of the moderators. Ask Trish about it when she gets back to you.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#234349 - 06/28/08 11:17 PM Re: Both sons abused by teen niece and friends [Re: nina]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: nina
... I have begged them to get help, but they won't. Our fights are insane.

How old are they now?

I'm just curious because I remeber various stages of "dealing" with it all in the unhealthy ways you describe.

#234622 - 06/30/08 01:47 PM Re: Both sons abused by teen niece and friends [Re: Still]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

you know when i saw the hazden name the first thing i thought about is the boundaries book, its subtitled, where you end and where i begin. a little background,i was over visiting a (A.A) librarian friend,and i noticed that book.she hadn't inventoried at that point.but, when i came back in two weeks, she said, "you took one look at that book and INSTANTLY you knew you had to have it. i highly reccomend it.

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#234794 - 07/01/08 02:06 AM Re: Both sons abused by teen niece and friends [Re: 1islandboy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

OMG, what a nightmare. As mother myself, I can't imagine your heartache and confusion over how to deal with this, especially with older boys who won't or more likely can't, even think about dealing with it. Is there a Dad in the picture? Can you talk to him and would he be willing to help you out? My ex and I haven't been together for almost 20 years, but if my daughter had a problem, I can say without question that we'd be united in our efforts to help her.

They may not be ready or able to agree to help at the moment, but their mis-treatment of you and calling you horrible names is not something you should put up with. They are still boys, living under your roof and you have the right and the obligation to set the rules of the house.

ROCK ON.......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#234803 - 07/01/08 02:57 AM Re: Both sons abused by teen niece and friends [Re: Trish4850]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
I also ask how old are they now?

I can understand why they would say they don't want help, if my mother knew, or my father for that matter, and if they said to me do i want therapy, my first reaction would be no way.

Therapy takes guts, and for teenage boys they don't like to seem that they need help or anything and they think it will make them look weak or insane.

So telling them to go and get help isn't something that will work easily...unless, you become specific, i cut my knee so i need a plaster kind of thing, that kind of attitude then wont make them feel weak, but strong, in control, tackling things like a man, and the idea of getting help probably makes them feel like they are losing control. The other thing is that they haven't processed any feelings, so they can't articulate their feelings well, they can't pin-point exactly what it is that troubles them so much and so don't have any idea of how it can be resolved, therefore getting help can just be an overwhelming and impossible thing to think about, abuse can make you feel kind of insane sometimes and they are not going to immediately be willing to explore things that when exposed would have to make them seriously face these things. Maybe you could put the idea out there that they list the things that they are afraid of, they will probably say no because of course teenagers are not afraid of anything, but that doesn't mean they wont do it without immediately telling you, it is a place to start anyway.

For me i would find it really difficult to say or admit things like 'at night i get so frightened that i feel like a little boy again and can't stop crying and feel worthless and huddle up under my blanket thinking my brother is about to come and do things to me', even though he doesn't live with us anymore, because i am afraid people will think i am weak or stupid or damaged. But it is much easier to start with 'i find it difficult to get to sleep, so i am going to work on this to enable me to sleep properly'. It is an aim that is very reasonable, and my emotions become understandable, and it is a mature, in control kind of thing.

Also, with the vile swearing, that may be an abuse issue, but it may be teenage reaction, either way it is not acceptable.

How do you react to him when he says this? you must get pretty emotional and upset i imagine, do you tell him off or shout back maybe, maybe you don't say anything at all. There is not much you can do with a teenager who is swearing at you in that way, anything you try to say will probably just propagate more shouting. The trick is, when he is calm one day, when he is sitting watching tv or you are actually getting along, just come out and tell him that you don't like it, that it hurts you, that you wish you could have a better relationship, he may not give you the reaction that you want, teenagers don't like to admit they have emotions and he may even try to make it into a debate, but don't fall into that trap, just try to let him know how you feel and let it simmer, he may not let you know, but i bet he will think twice before the next time he uses those words.

I also think if you buy them a book on abuse, then that gives them the opportunity to read up on it without having to admit they need help, without admitting they are reading it, it gives them the opportunity to do it in private until they gain confidence to say yes i want help.


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