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#234237 - 06/28/08 04:17 AM What Do I Want?
Derdlecar Offline

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1316
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
What do I want?

Well to start with, I want to recover. More than anything else, I want to be whole, complete, unwounded. But what does that mean? Where do I start? What can I expect first, and how will I know when I get it?

First of all I suppose It would be safe to say that I want life to be like it was before all the abuse started. But now that I think about it, I have no idea what that means either because I can't remember life before the abuse. Oh, I can remember life before the sexual abuse but there were other forms of abuse long before the sexual crap started, but in reality, it was just more of the same thing. One more thing for which to hang my head in shame, one more thing for me to try to hide from my classmates and teachers; it was nothing new. Really. It was just one more heavy weight for one small boy to try to carry.

So what is it that I want? I want the pain to stop! Plain, flat and simple, no more pain. It would feel so good, just not to hurt anymore. Ok, so by some kind of miracle, magic, or even maybe by the "healing process," I don't hurt anymore and I find myself walking down the street, pain free. And as I'm listening to the birds sing, their music is suddenly interrupted by the sound of a crying child and an enraged adult. I feel that child's pain because I have felt my own pain. And there goes "pain free".

Now what was it that I wanted? Happiness, that's it. I would truly like to be happy. But happiness goes out the window just as quickly as the state of being pain free, and for much the same reasons. I find myself getting really pissed off at anybody who hurts a child who is small and defenseless.

So, if I can't have what I had before because I never did have it to start out with. And I can't be pain free, or happy unless I completely isolate myself from society to protect myself from all the painful memories that they unwitting bring to me. And even if I was successful in protecting myself from others, I would most likely find something to be unhappy about or someway to cause myself pain.

So what is left? What I had, I never had and therefore never can have. A pain free state is not a reality and happiness with no unhappiness ever is not possible. When I "recover," what do I have? I have my ideas, but I want to hear what some of you think.

Love ya

If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

#234267 - 06/28/08 12:33 PM Re: What Do I Want? [Re: Derdlecar]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
love ya back darrel, and thanks for posing the question for us.

I don't think there is a 'when' i recover; i think it's only 'as; i recover. the process is lifelong. and i think, underscoring that, what you have left is one day at a time.

but before you get that sinking feeling 'i was afraid of that' think about what a gift it is, to kinda be nudged to rally around a group of people who are at varying degrees of the recovery process. there will always be someone you will have access to who will be able to help with a struggle you encounter in your moment to moment living.

this site, for instance, is one [and i don't get the sense it is going to be closing down anytime soon]; another is a supportive network of people from a recovery group in your area [start one!].

a good thing that i try to reaffirm for myself each day, sometimes more often, is that this problem of confusion and pain is not infinite. yes my happiness may become interrupted by the reality of a crying child reminds us of our own pain, and other things may unwittingly trigger strong rsidual emotional responses, but at least, surrounded by this marvelous support venue we can identify the feelings and share them with others getting them out of ourselves so that they don't continue to rule our emotions and intellect from within.

my big adventure for this leg of my own process is acceptance. i thought i had that one down, but i had not truly accepted that the nature of my trauma requires ongoing recovery for as long as i live. i think of arronb's avataras i write that. \:D ...time to take the medicine kids!

i think that as we mourn the death of a life we never had, an ideal family we never had, eventually we will realize that grief will end. time heals. [ hey i caught you all thinking 'time heals all wounds and wounds all heels' ..... stop finishing my sentences for me! hahahaha!]

anyway, that's all i have to say about this.....for now at least.

this too shall pass,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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