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#232826 - 06/23/08 09:45 PM can CSA lead someone to adult affairs?
helpingsis Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 1
I am hoping that someone can tell me of their experience with having been abused as a child and then having extra-marital affirs as an adult?....My brother confided in me that he was abused by our male cousin when they were younger. He has had affairs and has seen prostitutes for oral sex. My question is can having been abused be a reason that he would seek out sex outside his marriage? He is separated from his wife and they are pursuing a divorce. She does not know of this abuse and he wants to tell her that it may have been behind his infidelity. He feels this would give her some "reason" and would stop her from blaming herself. Any comments? Thanks.

#232829 - 06/23/08 09:59 PM Re: can CSA lead someone to adult affairs? [Re: helpingsis]
testingWaters Offline

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
This thread about acting out may be helpful to you.

#233057 - 06/24/08 03:51 PM Re: can CSA lead someone to adult affairs? [Re: testingWaters]
jaa Offline

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Rhode Island
Yes, the abuse could be the "reason" for your brother's actions. It is exactly how I have been behaving over the years. My therapist says that I'm re-enacting my abuse when I seek out meaningless sex with women other than my wife. As to whether or not him telling her will give her a reason and she will stop blaming herself...I don't know. In my wife's case, I have diminished her self esteem...she knows of my abuse...she knows of my sexual activities. It hasn't stopped her from blaming herself though...she thinks she's not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough for me, or I just wouldn't have done what I did. I know I can't use the abuse as an excuse to act out this way anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't think about it. I have to be responsible for my own actions. I hope your brother is seeking help, that's the only hope.


#233223 - 06/25/08 12:00 AM Re: can CSA lead someone to adult affairs? [Re: jaa]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

Yes, it could absolutely be a reason. There are so many things revolving around csa that could cause a man to act out. In my b/f's case it was very complicated and very simple at the same time. (1) the high associated with what could be his sexual addiction {which many times is a symptom of childhood trauma or csa} (2) his desire to prove to himself, through others, that sex was not a bad thing {despite having all the sex he could want with me} and (3) to sometimes put himself in similar situations to the abuse so that this time, he would be in control of it.

Despite all I've read here, I can't speak authoritatively on the reasons men act out, but I know that it happens, whether it's sex outside the marriage/relationship; compulsive masturbation; cutting; anger issues; socially inappropriate behavior, etc.

I hope some more of the guys will chime in here and give you more of an understanding. In the meanwhile, welcome to MS. It's a very healthy place.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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