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#232807 - 06/23/08 08:26 PM Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
Those of you who know me, know of my ministry - and tha part music plays in that - indeed, in my very life. Yesterday was no exception - the service was ... beyond words. The experience was one that lifted me to newer and greater heights.

Then we get to where the pastor asks if anyone has special needs, or he'll ask us to break into small groups to pray for one another. Fortunately, most of the time I'm on the piano - though sometimes he will take my place there so I may be part of a prayer circle.

I'm amazed at how quickly I can crash. These are people I, by all rights, should be able to share my heart with - but because of so much pain that has come from "inside the church" - fear grips me in an incredible grasp and I end up sharing something much less important. Not the it isn't a real "need" - it usually is - but it's not what my entire being cries out for.

I sometimes question my own faith - my own ability to trust in the God that I give such abandon and freedom in my praise and worship - yet close down so quickly when it touches to close to the pain.

It's got me questioning whether I'm even real. Or just one big fake on Sunday mornings. Is it truly as real as it appears to be - or am I conning myself with what I think it should be, or want it to be.

This is difficult for me - for I truly believe that if it is NOT real devotion ... real praise - I have no place in front of God's people leading them. People need and deserve someone who is truly in worship to lead them there.

This is a new growing doubt, and I haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet.


#232825 - 06/23/08 09:43 PM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Praise GOD for the gift that HE has given you and conitue to share it with others. Don't allow satan to silence this gift thru fear and doubt. From what you have shared I don't see that you have problems trusting GOD just people.
It has been my experience in the church that most people don't understand what we have been thru and how it affected us. And why we just don't give it to GOD. I wish that I could just release my distrust of people. I am better at trusting others than I used to be. But I don't go to a mechanic for a broken leg. For my abuse issues, I share them here or other safe places.

To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#232827 - 06/23/08 09:46 PM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12125
Loc: Denver, CO
"I end up sharing something much less important."

Often times when I would like to share with my church brethren what is going on, I fear it being minimized or dismissed too quickly since it is ground many have doubtfully covered.

I still have you in prayer, Mark.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#232856 - 06/24/08 01:25 AM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: FormerTexan]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
the answer always comes back the same
"well, if you'd release it and let God take it, you wouldn't have any problems any more with it"

so, either i'm the worst sinner in the world - cuz it doesn't work - or i'm being .... mislead.

#233630 - 06/26/08 04:17 AM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: MarkK]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
Actually Mark, it's called ignorance and fear. People have this fairytale view of things. Scary thing is, the very same people who give you that advice, know it hasn't worked for them, but they're afraid that they are "the worst sinner in the world" so they keep up the act and pretend it works.

I've only shared my troubles with our Pastor, and it's absolutely amazing how little he knows and or understands. Guess I should have figured that this stuff isn't talked about in seminary. He's got no clue at all for sure.

#233643 - 06/26/08 05:34 AM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: JustScott]
Me2 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/28/08
Posts: 22
Loc: USA

I know exactly how you feel. As a leader in my local church, I'm not comfortable sharing when I'm depressed, lonely, or just having questions about why God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to me.

One of my working definitions of worship is "being my authentic self before God." What that means for me is not wearing my costume and mask of the Christian Super Hero..."Dot---Tah---Dah" It's Super Pastor!!" Able to overcome any problem with prayer, a Bible verse, or a good fellowship meal."

If I follow Jesus' example, then there will be times when I need to seek to be with God away from everybody else. For me, I'm blessed with a having a monastery about 30 mintues away from my house. I share in their worship. I also visit other congregations in "participant" mode. Although, I'm always recognized, I send a note up to the officiating ministers to let them know that I'm "just visiting" today.

I hear what you are saying and wanted you to know that. Thanks for sharing. It's good to know that I'm not alone.


WOR Alum Dahlonega & Alta 08

#234186 - 06/28/08 01:42 AM Re: Fear vs Faith - the never-ending battle [Re: Me2]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to this ... i truly want to thank you guys for your responses. it DOES help to know i'm not alone - and i'm not "whacked out" or "lost and damned" because i have down days. (weeks, months ...)

i'm working with one of our Worship Team into leading one Sunday a month - let me just "participate". maybe it will help to be free to worship without the mantle of leadership once in a while.



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