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#237201 - 07/10/08 12:36 PM Re: Survivors and closure in relationships [Re: CDavid]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: CDavid

Since that seems impossible at this point, I would like to add that the "epiphany" and the manner in which it was posted is ludicrous. But, that would be my opinion and certainly not one shared by everyone.


I'm still waiting for your explanation of what you think is so ludicrous. Almost sounds like a personal attack considering you aren't backing it up with any further explanation and/or reasons.

I tried to answer your questions and address your concerns in a thoughtful and intelligent manner. Now I'm asking you for further elaboration on what you said, so how about it?


my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#237255 - 07/10/08 06:39 PM Re: Survivors and closure in relationships [Re: indygal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183

I just reread your original post. I do not feel that your "epiphany" is in anyway ludicrous. I got what you meant completely. you know in your mind that the best thing for you is to leave, yet your heart is telling you something else. I know I hold on because I am forever hopeful that the man I love will be back.You will never get closure because if you leave, you'll always wonder, and have what if's, and he himself is not sure about anything,so he can't give you the decisive answer, you, and all of us look for.
As for CD, at first I thought that maybe he was trying to be humorous. When typing it is hard to hear the "tone" in the words. Being a sarcastic person myself, I thought that could be it. However to tell you that your feelings are ludicrous,that was wrong.
CD, we do not know what it is like to walk in your shoes as a survivor, I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain and thoughts you men have, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what it is like to walk in our shoes, how hard it is to love and support our survivor. We try our best,we would not be here otherwise. I think that maybe this thread has struck a cord somehow for you, and that maybe you have unresolved issues with someone, and you never received the closure you needed. Think about it, and how about we all try not to pass judgement on each other, and just stick to trying to listen,and help one another, because that's what we all need here.

#237353 - 07/11/08 02:34 AM Re: Survivors and closure in relationships [Re: indygal]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I apologize for the back and forth... In truth, I did find alot of his posts "antagonistic" in tone. I'm not going to change my manner of speaking or "word choices" for anyone.
And, you were right, it was the CONTEXT and not the words themselves.
For what it's worth, my SO has the same habit of "wandering" from the topic. It was worse earlier on, but depending on how emotional the topic, it still happens. Even after all this time, there are still MANY "WTF"????? moments that go on. It always seemed to happen, the closer we got. (And I'm not talking about physical proximity) He usually gets argumentative after he's opened up alittle more. It's happened so frequently, that I've learned to expect it.

#237546 - 07/11/08 11:03 PM Re: Survivors and closure in relationships [Re: Liv2124]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Liv and Daisy, thanks to both of you for your words.

clearly, this thread has hit a nerve of truth. I gave it a lot of thought before posting it and recalled not just reading the partners' stories of struggle with on-again, off-again relationships with male survivors, but also from the survivors' stories themselves. invariably it was "she's gone now, she divorced me, she's leaving" as opposed to " I can't deal with this any more, so I'm initiating a break-up, divorce, I'm leaving."

there doesn't seem to be that ability for male survivors to assert their place in a relationship the way nonsurvivors do - to own up to their actions, take credit where credit is due and just as important, to accept blame where blame is due. To understand a relationship is as much about people's interactions as it is their individual contribution. perhaps it's the loss of self-esteem, the sense they don't matter, even tho, of course they do and often mean so very much to those of us who love them so.

but yes, it's difficult to love anyone who doesn't love themselves and see themselves as perhaps unworthy of our love or worse - there must be something terribly wrong with us for loving them so much. this is, IMO, where so many relationships hit the point of no return. it takes a certain amount of self-worth, self-love and conscious self-preservation (as opposed to instinct) to actively work to keep a relationship healthy, strong and growing.

if a survivor - male or female - is not actively, consciously engaged in a positive mental growth state of their own, for their own sake, how can they possibly give a relationship what it needs to survive? one partner simply cannot do it on their own - it's impossible and will not only tear apart the relationship but do so to the detriment of the partner who is struggling too hard to manage both their own mental state of well-being as well as the relationship and perhaps, even the survivor partner also by reinforcing a sense of "everything is all right don't worry" all the time.

survivors, if any of this in this thread rings bells for you - please, for goodness sakes - get yourselves into recovery for the sake of yourself, your partner and your relationships - and if you have children, it's even more important.

thanks again to all who have commented.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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