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#232367 - 06/21/08 01:26 PM this is the only place
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
It's been awhile since I posted, but I just need to relieve something here. Usually I am focused, but I don't even know what. I am trying to recover from my H's second A. I have my own childhood damage.

I only know a little a/b what was done to H. It was a teenage neighbor over the course of two days when H was between the ages of 6yo and 7yo. He says he doesn't remember exactly.

His affair started just a couple of months after DS turned 6yo.

He says he's worked through it, and he has grown in the time I've known him. He used to be homophobic, now he's actually accepting.

The more we talk, the more I find he's always had someone else. He kissed another woman the night he first told me he loved me. When I go through our 16yr history, it feels like he's reached out and brought someone else in when things get to be too much. Our first year of marriage, while I was working to support both of us and going to college, he had an online emotional affair. Devastating for a new bride to read her husband email another woman, "I love you."

H is changing so much, he's the person I fell in love with, but a man now instead of a boy. He refuses to acknowledge that there is any connection with his behavior and the past abuse. "I've worked through it, moved on and forgiven" he says. He told his mom of the abuse 6yrs or so after the fact and he had a years worth of sessions w/ the county therapist.

I know I can't push him to connect the dots, but I guess for me, I wonder am I connecting the right dots? Am I ascribing things to his behavior that have no connection with the abuse?

I can't post this at my affair recovery board, though they have a section for sexual abuse survivors, b/c H has asked me not to. And I know that this board isn't set up to deal w/ infidelity. To me it's all wrapped up together.

How do I support H's change in life and attitude? He is refocusing on our marriage, the family and his faith. I am struggling with my world being turned upside down a second time and all of these secrets pouring out, including the truth from his first affair with my friend, this affair and his abuse.

I am seeing a therapist and working on my self esteem, but what I guess I need is how to put all of this in some sort of order to be less overwhelming.

I'm sorry this post is so unfocused. I'm having a really bad day that started off w/ bad dreams and the remnants are still floating in my head. I try to brush them away, but they stick.


#232380 - 06/21/08 02:27 PM Re: this is the only place [Re: Jem]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

My own thought on this is that your husband needs to devote some time and attention to how all this has affected you too. There won't be a real recovery unless and until he is able to see the whole picture.

It's great that you are supporting him, but honestly, it looks to me like all this is just not going to work for you unless you view of things is also considered. Your pain counts too! It's not healthy when things are moving along with one partner feeling that she's basically being expected to accept the idea that her feelings don't matter.

I'm glad you're seeing a T, and I hope you are raising all these concerns in your sessions. At some point there is going to have to be some effort on your husband's part to work your issues into his recovery, just as you have to work his issues into your own recovery.

Or at least that's how I see it.

Much love and good luck with all this,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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